Archive for the tag 'Christmas'

Christmas poo and other travesties

NS December 22nd, 2010

I’m not going to write one of those long, boring posts about what I’ve been up to and why I haven’t been able to write, but a booming doula business and a trip to America to see friends, followed immediately by my sister coming to stay for two weeks and the manic lead-up to Christmas means I barely have time to wipe my ass properly let alone concoct long, navel-gazing, ranty or poignant blog posts.

Speaking of ass-wiping, this is something I’m going to be quizzing future playdates on, when Noble Girl has someone over. Just today, I was forced to deal with a toilet full of another child’s excrement and reams of loo roll laid on top, just to make it that much more difficult and unpleasant to flush. To clean up this kid’s Mr. Hanky required 3 plastic bags, 1 pair of gloves, 2 plungers, 1 bottle of spray bleach, 2 sponges and supreme control over not only my gag reflex but my Small Child Swear Word Censor Button.

You guys, I ┬áhad to clean shit off the flexible grooves of the toilet plunger afterwards. AND IT WASN’T EVEN MY KID’S SHIT. Nor was I getting paid even child sweatshop-worker wages to do so.

Tell me I’m not a saint and I’ll tell you to go stick a spork in your groin.

Attention all future and potential playdates: an ass-wiping and flushing demonstration will now take place upon arrival, with a quiz at the end. If you fail the ass-wiping and flushing quiz, you will be marched out the door and returned immediately to your parent/guardian/handler/zookeeper.

Happy Christmas everyone! Have a good one. Eat cheese, drink wine and be merry. And if you’re a teetotal vegan, well…happy New Year.