NS November 13th, 2009
I don’t normally discuss my marriage (at least not the bits that aren’t funny) on this site, and I’m not going to go into great detail starting now, but needless to say, it has come to my attention that I haven’t been paying The Noble Husband very much attention lately. We’ve been happier and more content in the last few months than we have been in quite awhile, mainly due to finances not being such a huge issue now that I’m earning and with The Noble Baby’s immediate needs becoming less and less demanding. The resentful bickering that used to plague us when we were broke and looking after a tiny baby plus a moody toddler had dwindled down to the odd argument about whose turn it was to get up early or do the dishes.
However, I am still not getting a full night’s sleep and, truth be told, am getting sort of fed up with it. I think that because our daughter was sleeping through the night by her first birthday, I kind of assumed our son would too. I had steeled myself for a year of night wakings and early morning feeds but now that his birthday has come and gone and he is still consistently waking up 1-2 times a night, anywhere between 1 and 5 a.m. (which isn’t bad, I know; many people have it much worse), I find myself getting grumpier and grumpier about it. I figure I haven’t had a solid 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep since I was about 7 months pregnant, or nearly 16 months ago. Even when I’ve had 7 or 8 hours sleep total, if I was awake for 15 minutes of that while feeding the baby and then woke again when TNC came to our bed (as she does every night now), that 7 or 8 hours has been broken into 2 or 3 chunks of separate sleep cycles. As I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, chunks of 2-3 hours of sleep does not a well-rested person make.
So I think my perpetual tiredness, coupled with my recent career decisions and newfound time to myself (I am self-employed and have just put the children in care two days a week so I can pursue my ambitions) have left me feeling that I have to choose between time as a couple in the evening, “me time,” work and sleep. Often, the latter three win out over the former. Once I’ve gotten the kids to bed, tidied up, had a bit of relaxation time and eaten dinner, I’m ready to either focus on some work or go to sleep. And there’s TNH over on the sofa, trying to talk to me while I keep one eye on my computer and another turning the pages of a book or newspaper, giving half-hearted nods and mmm-hmms as he tries to engage me in conversation or some form of intimacy.
In short, I’ve been neglectful and self-centered and entirely too dismissive of his feelings. I consider our marriage so strong and solid and unshakable that I often shuffle it to the bottom of the priority list when that list is as long as my arm. If you plant a seed but then forget to water it, it will never grow, just sit buried underneath mounds of wishful thinking. Similarly, gardens that have already grown tend to get strangled with weeds if left untended.
And so this weekend I’m switching off, tuning out, and putting down all of the things that usually distract me and making sure the most important man in my life feels appreciated, loved and cared for. He deserves it; our marriage deserves it. I just hope I can remember not to let things get so thorny next time.
