NS December 1st, 2009

Things are a bit unsettled here at Casa del Savage. The Noble Child caught impetigo (from some crusty urchin who planted an infested kiss on her face, I presume) and so missed all of last week at preschool, resulting in levels of cabin fever and exasperation not seen since the summer holidays. Because her condition was contagious, we couldn’t even venture into a playgroup, the library or a cafe. It rained much of the week and TNB was also sprouting teeth like he’d been reincarnated as a shark. My days were spent holding a howling 3-year-old down to apply antibiotic cream, alternately cuddling and saying “What do you want?!” to an inconsolable 1-year-old and dealing with a raging case of PMS that saw me sustain a chocolate-related injury (I bent my index fingernail backwards while trying to break apart a large bar of Dairy Milk which had been in the fridge — it’s still black and blue).

On top of that, it was the end of the month, hence being broke and eating cheap meals and not being able to splurge on lovely lattes or a new book or anything like that. Usual end-of-month story. It was also Thanksgiving, which always finds me pretty homesick and missing my family, especially since it was the first major holiday since my grandfather died a couple months ago. The Noble Husband left work early and we took the kids to a restaurant for a (non-Thanksgivingy) meal and then I went to Jen’s on Saturday for a proper turkey fest, which was lovely, but it’s still hard not to miss family on such a family-oriented day.

On top of THAT (I’m almost finished bitching, I swear!), my laptop’s hard drive failed and I had to send it off to be repaired. It’s still under warranty so won’t cost me anything but I lost some data, namely the outline for my book. Thankfully I found about half of it on my Google Docs but the rest has vanished into the ether. Must. Start. Backing. Up. No more assuming it won’t happen again. If that wasn’t enough, TNB pulled my precious baby, my Canon Rebel Xsi, down from the bookshelf, where I’d placed it after trying to get some snaps of them in their Christmas pyjamas. It’s not totally demolished but something has been shaken loose internally and will require repair. It’s still under warranty as well but I bought it in the US, from an eBay store, so I’m not sure how sending it back for repair will work or if I’ll be able to get it back before Christmas. I’m guessing not. So that’s a downer.

The icing on this shit cake is that I’m also having some personal issues that need dealing with and that is preoccupying my thoughts. Add to this the fact that we haven’t done a scrap of Christmas shopping yet, TNC’s primary school admission application is due this Friday and I haven’t done it yet, and that I am working on some freelance articles, my book and am launching a new website and it’s easy to see why I have been and may continue to be quiet on the blogging front for a little while yet.

Now that you’re all up to date on what’s going wrong in my life, let me fill you in on what’s going right. This is the only thing making me smile sometimes these days. Behold, TNB’s “kiss face.”

This is what he does when you say “Give mama/dada/your sister a kiss!” The way he puckers up, long before a lip or cheek is in reach, just cracks us up.  If either TNH or I are in a less-than-stellar mood we just ask for a kiss and let it make us laugh and melt our heart at the same time. I may start calling it Kiss Therapy.

Thank you, my darling boy, for reminding me that all the other stresses and mundane details in life don’t matter. Time with my family and kisses from my children? That’s all I need to see me through this rough patch.

• Home and Hearth , I Bitch Therefore I Am , Miscellaneous Missives , Photos , The Noble Baby
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NS October 29th, 2009

Did I tell you that I found a childminder? That starting next week I will have two childfree days in which to do my own thing? No? Oh, sorry. I must’ve been too busy simultaneously fretting about it and jumping up and down with ecstatic joy to get round to blogging. You know how it is…

So yes, we’ve decided that I won’t be returning to full-time work just yet. Too expensive for two kids to make it worth the time and trouble. Once TNC starts school in September, we can more easily afford childcare. But there was no way I was going to be satisfied with waiting another 10-11 months before I did anything for my career so I decided to use the money I’m earning with my freelance job to pay for childcare two days a week. With a commitment from my mother-in-law to have each child one day a week, I only needed someone to look after TNC for one afternoon a week, after pre-school, and TNB for one full day (from 9-4). Luckily, I found someone straight away and we met last week. She was absolutely lovely, her house was lovely and we clicked straight away. She has a little boy TNB’s age and also looks after a little girl the same age. So two playmates his own age and no older children to run riot ’round him? Result!

After two afternoons spent at her house and my three pages of questions met satisfactorily, “Jane” and I signed the contracts and I handed over the month’s fees in advance. And this morning I walked the children to her house, where after a brief chat and settling in period, I had to kiss the top of my crying son’s head, trying desperately not to cry myself, walk out of the house and shut the door. It was the heaviest door ever, I tell you.

My mother-in-law was outside, ready to take TNC back to her house. I swallowed the lump in my throat, kept my hands busy loading her things in the car, and after TNC had been driven away and I could hear that my boy had stopped crying inside, I stood, all alone, on the pavement. All alone, for the first time in so very long. All alone, for two whole hours. I should’ve been ecstatic, according to some. According to others, I should’ve been bereft, and beating myself up with guilt.

Instead, I was a mixture of the two. I walked slowly away, my bag heavy on my shoulder but a smile slowly coming to my face. I felt like skipping and crying at the same time. Finally, the time to write. Finally, the time to realise my dreams. But still, the self-doubt crept in. Would he be okay? Would I?

The leaves on the ground and the sun in the sky reminded me that seasons are ever-changing. We are ever-changing. This is simply a new season in my life, in all of ours. It was inevitable. It is necessary. But damn it if it doesn’t also hurt a little.

• Career , Family , Parenting 101 , Squish Squish , The Noble Baby
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NS September 18th, 2009

One year ago today, at this moment — the exact moment captured in this photograph — I possessed more presence of body, clarity of mind and connectedness with humanity than I ever had before. Giving birth to my son at home with no interventions or drugs was, hands down, the most amazing, mind-blowing, peaceful, empowering yet extraodinarily ordinary thing I have ever done. Not just because I felt proud of my body for doing what it was designed to do, or because I felt special or superior to anyone else, but because I’d learned so much about myself, and the power of women, in the process. I wrote:

Believing in birth and making it happen has given me a renewed sense of faith in myself, something I think was desperately needed. I now know that I have the power within me to do things I previously thought impossible or too painful. I can face seemingly insurmountable obstacles and with enough determination, organisation and knowledge, clear them easily. This was more than just my child’s birth – it was my rebirth. I’m not a religious person and I don’t even consider myself spiritual, but I do know that I’ve never felt more alive, more connected to humanity or more powerful, yet so humble. If that’s not a sacred experience, I don’t know what is.

Since that event, my committment to fighting for a feminism that includes mothers in a way that doesn’t marginalise,  patronise or demonise our experiences with pregnancy, childbirth and parenting has grown — especially those that do not mesh with modern-day expectations or norms. My feminism is not just about making sure women have the right to NOT have babies (though that is profoundly important); it’s about giving them the right to choose HOW and WHERE and WHY they have those babies, if that’s the path they’ve chosen. Fighting tooth and nail for reproductive rights and talking about the importance of complete bodily autonomy should apply to birthing women as well. Telling a mother-to-be that she is endangering her baby by trusting her body and that she’d better submit control of her birth to a medical institution or professional that usually assumes the worst of our bodies, makes us believe we are fragile and ignorant and Other…well, it’s not very feminist at all, really.

I’m not talking specifically about home birth either, but ALL birth, everywhere. A woman who’d rather be in hospital, or who has no choice but to be there, shouldn’t feel she has to prostrate herself before an endless array of bureaucratic policies just to get quality medical care and make her own health decisions. We each deserve a birth that isn’t solely about the end result, but about how we experience it: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually  and socially.

Complete knowledge. Complete care. Complete autonomy. Complete respect.

Nothing else will do.

Happy birth day, The Noble Baby. To both of us.

• Activism , Birth , Feminist Fury , The Noble Baby
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NS August 27th, 2009

The sore throat that TNC woke up with the other night was mild and short-lived but it was enough to pass onto her brother. The Noble Baby now has quite a bad case of tonsilitis and has been absolutely miserable for the past two days. His temperature spiked up to 39.7C (103.4F) yesterday, truly alarming me and causing us to rush to the doctor and TNH to leave work and come home. He’s just had his first dose of antibiotics and is sleeping for the time being but I know I’m in for another night of soothing and cuddling and tending to my poorly little boy.

TNH is going out of town on Saturday so let’s hope the baby has improved by then. At least TNC will be gone for the day as well, with her grandparents. If TNB is still miserable, I can sit with him slumped on my chest and watch season two of Mad Men, which has been a favourite pasttime as of late. I’m supposed to be watching them with TNH but I can’t help myself and keep watching them when he’s working late or out.

Between my new Mad Men obsession and sick children and an out-of-town husband, I have a feeling posting may be light over the long weekend. If I don’t get slightly tipsy one night and decide to drunk-blog, I will catch y’all next week.

• Banal Breakdown , Health and Fitness , The Noble Baby
• Comments(7)

NS July 13th, 2009

• Antics of The Noble Child , Human Oddities , Miscellaneous Missives , Parenting 101 , The Noble Baby , Til Death Do Us Part , Travel
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