Archive for the 'Funny Ha-Ha' Category

Just another day

NS February 24th, 2010

All except one of the following happened to me today. Can you guess which is false?

  • One of my children climbed onto another, unsuspecting child’s back and began to wriggle around in what looked remarkably like a mating ritual in a David Attenborough nature series
  • While brushing my teeth at the sink, naked except for a towel draped round my shoulders, I was assaulted from behind with a battery-operated pasta-twirling fork
  • When I walked upstairs to check on my daughter and her friend, I found them pretending to have babies on the toilet. Talk about a water birth!
  • I burned the children’s dinner  so let them eat peanut butter and Pringles instead
  • My son, in his haste to get to his precious ‘mamas’ (i.e. my boobs), managed to pull my nursing top down and expose my breast while I was talking to another parent at a coffee social this morning at my daughter’s pre-school
  • I read an article in the Daily Mail and vehemently agreed with it Sorry, even I couldn’t keep a straight face while typing that

Any guesses?

Sometimes you feel like a Brit, sometimes you don’t

NS January 29th, 2010

Ways in which I have become Anglicised:

  • My preferred swear words are Bloody, Shite and Bollocks
  • I can eat a sandwich with spread (butter) on it and not gag
  • I pronounce the ‘T’ in words like ‘beautiful’, ‘Peter’ and ‘dirty’
  • I love me a pint of bitter
  • I go for a walk on Boxing Day no matter how miserable it is outside
  • I can find a way to complain about the weather, even if it’s sunny
  • I get a bit irate sometimes at how the Council spends my money
  • If it snows, I don’t shovel my walk because no one else has
  • When I’m ill, all I want is a cup of tea and my hot water bottle
  • I eat jacket (baked) potatoes with tuna or cheesy beans on top
  • I listen to BBC Radio whilst doing the washing up
  • I use the word ‘whilst’
  • I say ‘windscreen’, ‘boot’, and ‘indicate’ instead of ‘windshield’, ‘trunk’ and ’signal’

Ways in which I am not Anglicised:

  • I don’t mercilessly harass ginger (redhead) people
  • I don’t constantly say “That’s so middle class”
  • I hate brown sauce, Marmite and Branston’s pickle
  • I refuse to consider hard sponge with marzipan on top to be “cake”
  • I can say the word ‘bap’ and not giggle
  • I will never believe anyone who says they had a proper cocktail at a pub
  • It’s Santa, not Father Christmas
  • I don’t believe that Halloween is just for devil-worshippers, criminals and Americans
  • I refuse to consider the Sun, Daily Mail, Metro, etc.. “newspapers”
  • I think British soaps (Corrie, Enders, et al) are absolutely rubbish
  • Ditto for British dramas (not including period films)
  • I still can’t get used to the teeth  I see on some people in television
  • I don’t intentionally set out to get shit-faced when I drink
  • Seafood on pizza is just wrong, as is sweetcorn
  • I will never say ‘aluminium’ or ‘bonnet’. It’s aluminum and hood, damn it!
  • I think Jeremy Clarkson is a national disease, not a national treasure

You know you’re the mother of small children when…

NS January 5th, 2010

  • You are so used to not being able to shut the bathroom door that you forget to close it when you have other (adult) people over
  • You regularly find Calpol crusted into your hair
  • You go up to comfort your teething baby on New Year’s Eve and find a way to balance your cocktail glass on the cot
  • You recoil from the clock in horror as you crawl into bed at 5am on New Year’s Day, knowing  you have a full day of CBeebies, being jumped on and wanting to die a slow, miserable death ahead of you
  • You think nothing of wiping your children’s snot on your jeans if a tissue isn’t handy
  • You walk into your bathroom to find your 3-year-old’s bottom waving in the air, demanding to be wiped, and a tub full of the lovely bath products your 1-year-old just dumped inside it with exuberance
  • You have been given the evil eye for ‘letting your children run wild’ but only seconds later been given the evil eye by someone else for being too harsh in reprimanding them
  • You have to use an abacus to figure out when you last had sex (or at least not just a quickie at nap time)
  • The thought of falling pregnant again fills you with a fear not unlike that of Sigourney Weaver’s character in Alien when she comes face-to-face with a slimy, monstrous being who wants to make her life miserable and/or eat her innards
  • You’re so disillusioned with keeping your already-filthy carpet clean that you don’t  bother cleaning up spills anymore

Inquiring minds

NS November 1st, 2009

TNH: Did you hear that? Is that…

Me: Yep, I think that’s her. Hurry, get dressed before she comes in here.

TNC: Mummy? Daddy? What are  you doing in here?

TNH: We were just taking a nap sweetheart, but we’re awake now. Come in.

TNC: Hi! Are you awake now?

Me: Yes, we are honey. Just getting dressed now and we’ll come down and make lunch.

TNC: Okay!

Me to TNH: Whew, that was close! She hasn’t a clue.

TNC, shouting from landing: Why were you naked for your nap then?

Me, after  a pause: Everyone get your shoes on, we’re going to B&Q. We need to buy a lock.

Google can solve your marriage problems

NS October 14th, 2009

Or at least that’s what some people think.

Go to Google and type in Why is my husband and see the list that it auto-suggests. Some of the good ones include:

…so mean to me

…such a jerk

…so moody

…so angry

…so grumpy

…so selfish

…so stupid

Type in Why is my wife and you get:

…so mean

…so unhappy

…always mad

…so stupid

…always tired

…so angry

…cheating

…crazy

…so cold

It looks like the sexes can at least agree on one thing — both men and women can be mean, stupid and angry. Probably because their spouses rely on internet search engines instead of face-to-face communication, is my guess.

Go on, ask Google something and let us know what you find!

H/t to The Noble Husband for spotting this

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