NS February 22nd, 2008

I was just sitting here trying to think of something to write about when I saw this post over at Charlotte’s Web. So in the name of shameless borrowing, here is my list of 15 things I have thought but haven’t said to people over the years, for fear of embarrassing, angering or hurting them, or out of my own shyness.

1. At some point during your torrid affair, I lost a lot of respect for you
2. You’re my best friend, even though I reassure someone else that they are
3. I wish you could have a bit more class sometimes
4. I know that when you finally find love, it will be amazing
5. Your voice is annoying but I like you anyway
6. Your generosity and kindness move me every day
7. I worry about how I will ever repay you
8. No one thinks you’re funny
9. I am starting to forget you
10. I wish you would follow through on one of your promises to yourself
11. I think your tough-chick/horrible mother facade is pretty lame
12. You are a pervert when you’re drunk and you have always made me uncomfortable
13. Loosen up! Who gives a toss if everything is not perfectly clean and in order?
14. I admire you more than you’ll ever know
15. You could’ve been so much more if you hadn’t thrown it all away

• Friends , I Bitch Therefore I Am , Memes
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NS November 4th, 2007

Tonight, I am dining with my enemy and I’m looking forward to it very much.

No, Ann Coulter is not arriving on her broomstick to flip her hair around and make tasteless Jew jokes, it’s Jen and her husband. They are coming over tonight to watch the New England Patriots v Indianapolis Colts game with us. We will drink beer and eat chili (a new recipe TNH and I are trying out) while we sit tensely perched on the edge of the sofas and watch the players of one team march their way to victory (ruining the other’s undefeated season so far), all while talking a whole lot of smack.

You see, Jen is a die-hard Pats fan and we are equally-as-die-hard Colts fans. J (Jen’s hubby) is sort of a fan by default so while he has to support the Pats to be loyal to his wife, I think if I could get him alone in the kitchen for a few minutes and ply him with booze and cigarettes, I could get him to secretly root for us too.

That sound you just heard was Jen’s head exploding in indignation.

This is going to be fun.

• Friends , I Bitch Therefore I Am
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NS October 31st, 2007

So the two Halloween parties on Saturday went well. The kiddie one in the afternoon kicked off at 3pm and we had four children show up with their parent(s). Two were dressed as pumpkins, one as a spider and one as a witch. TNC was a cat, because she loves cats.

I finally (FINALLY!) finished painting the dining room and got it decorated in time. Not too bad if I do say so myself!

The kids had a good time, I think. They ran around the garden and played with toys and sticker sets I gave them. We had some snacks (french bread with roasted tomato hummus, pretzels, chocolate cake, spooky marshmallows and a few other Halloween sweets) and apple juice and then I handed out little treat bags as they left. All in all, it went really well and I didn’t feel stressed.

Phase II of the day consisted of cleaning up from that party, putting away the kiddie stuff and bringing out the booze, then getting into our costumes. A friend (L) came over early to help me get ready and I borrowed some of her accessories. We had a great time dressing me up as a beauty pageant contestant, complete with tiara, elbow-length gloves, huge sparkly earrings and a white sash. The costume was supposed to have a tongue-in-cheek air about it since I planned on intertwining some fake hair into the tiara with some blood to make it look like I’d ripped it off someone else’s head and write on the white sash “Runner Up” but then cross it out and write ‘Winner’ in blood. However, the fake hair kept falling out and, being British and not as acclimatised to beauty contests as us Yanks, not many of the guests ‘got it’ straight away and I kept having to explain it. I finally gave up and took the fake hair out and just started walking around saying “World Peace” and blinking a lot.

L pretending to beat the crap out of me with her bat

A strange group shot

Me, doing my best ‘psycho beauty queen’ imitation

No wonder the next door neighbours declined our invitation due to the fact that “they’re Christian.” If they’d seen us acting like this they’d have surely been throwing holy water over the fence and shielding their child’s eyes from looking directly at us, lest we kidnap him and sacrifice his prepubescent self on an altar in the middle of the giant salt pentagram in our garden.

If this holiday isn’t about roasting babies and being added to your neighbours’ prayer circle list, I don’t know what is. Happy Halloween everyone!!

• Banal Breakdown , Friends , Photos
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NS July 1st, 2007

My birthday was on Friday. I had a nice three day celebration bonanza, starting with a Snow Patrol concert on Thursday night with Paul, dinner and drinks with a few friends on Friday, and a party with even more friends last night. Amelia went to stay the night with her grandparents for the first time without me there. The inlaws picked her up at 2pm on Saturday and didn’t bring her back until 12.30 today. Almost 24 hours of childfree time.
I thought I would be more ecstatic about this and really let me hair down last night and drink myself into a coma and stay up really late, knowing that I wouldn’t have to get up at the ass crack of dawn, but I didn’t actually get that inebriated. I drank lots of margaritas (though in very small cups) and a fair few glasses of wine but I refused to do shots of tequila or whiskey as I knew that I would feel like utter shit today. I didn’t really want to ruin my chance to sleep late by spending it running back and forth from the couch to the bathroom and feeling like death warmed over. I had a great time though, it was good to see friends and talk all day and evening and then go home at a reasonable hour (12.30), secure in the knowledge that I hadn’t made an ass of myself or gotten sick or fallen over. I was asleep before 2am.

I’ve just turned 28 but I feel older than that. More like I’m 32. Not because people who are 32 are old or boring, or because life is over once you have a kid, but because I’m the youngest in my group of friends. My husband is five and a half years older than me and so most of his friends are at least 30 and range up to 38. I’ve been going to 30th birthday parties since I was 22 and I’ve seen each of them either freak out about it or take that milestone in their stride. I’d like to think that I will be nonchalant about it, not bothered by my transition into life as a thirtysomething. I’ve never really understood the freaking out that so many people do when they turn 30, as if life as they know it is over and they have to get dentures and drink tea in bed on a Saturday night and cuddle up with their water bottle instead of their spouse.

Who knows. Maybe I’m talking out of my ass and I will freak out too when 30 is looming. But I’d like to think that not only will it not bother me, I will embrace it. Because the only reason to be unhappy about turning 30 is if you’re unhappy with yourself, or if you believe that age is anything more than just a number and way for others to make assumptions about us. Frankly, I’m tired of being considered a ‘baby’ or somehow more naive or unworldly than my older friends and acquaintances simply because I am a few years younger than them. Maybe once we’re in the same age group again, they’ll stop with the patronising comments. It doesn’t really bother me because I know it’s their issues surfacing, not mine, but I still find it sort of sad. I wish people didn’t place such value on age and how one is supposed to be or act with the passing of time. It’s about what you’ve done, how you live and who you are, not which age bracket you tick when you fill out a form.

I may never be older but I’ll always be wiser. Na na nah na na nah!

• Friends
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NS May 13th, 2007

I spent yesterday afternoon posing for a professional photographer. Commands to show teeth, laugh, be serious, sit up straight, stick my boobs out, lean on my elbow or swivel sideways were foreign to me, and uproarious. Every pose and every instruction made embarrassed tittering escape my lips. Jen, who was with me for this strange session, shared in the moments of hilarity. We fake posed with the best of them. I was just waiting for the Danish-born photographer to start shouting “Give me pouty! Sexy! You are an animal. Let me hear you rrrrrroar. Now laugh, damnit!” At one point, grins plastered on our faces and exchanging sarcastic remarks out of the corner of our motionless mouths, Jen quipped “I feel like we should be walking down a beach discussing that ‘not so fresh’ feeling.” After that, the beseeching was no longer necessary, the laughter was genuine.

All of this took place at an American diner in Soho, replete with shiny red barstools, chrome countertop, mini jukeboxes, black and white checkerboard floors and employees flipping burgers wearing those white, pointy, paper hats. I half expected the Fonz to walk through the door. I even got to sip on a real strawberry milkshake, fountain Coke and eat a Big Bubba burger and onion rings. Obviously, the whole ‘eating healthily’ thing was out the window for this occasion.

What was all of this for, you may be wondering? The photo is to go alongside an article Prima magazine are doing on female bloggers. They are profiling three women. For some reason, one of them happens to be me. I did a telephone interview back in early April and can hardly remember what I said. That, along with the cheesy photo that is sure to accompany it, has me sweating a bit. Will I sound like an idiot and look like one too? Has anyone in God’s green earth ever rambled on for so long as to make her interviewer desire nothing more than to stab herself in the eye repeatedly with a corn-on-the-cob holder thingy and then get to work on her ears with an olive fork? If so, I think I’d give them a run for their money.

The article comes out in a couple months. Keep your fingers crossed that yours truly isn’t featured on the pages of a national mag looking and/or sounding like a character from Deliverance.

• Career , Friends
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