NS August 27th, 2011
Gosh, this blog is gathering a rather thick layer of dust, isn’t it?
For the past few months, I have been mainly consumed with:
- My volunteer work
- My doula work
- Planning our holiday in Spain (from which we recently returned)
- Reading books
- Wondering why I haven’t felt like blogging and if I will ever write my much-dreamed-of book
- Contemplating the mass deletion of all my blogs but never bringing myself to do it
- Feeling more drawn to fiction writing but being too lazy and scared to try it
- Losing weight (15 pounds so far)
- Getting back into running and going to the gym
- Spending time with my family
- Falling even more in love with my husband
- Contemplating a third baby and then immediately ruling it out, and vice versa
- Daydreaming of faraway places and feeling a strong desire to move
- Looking into the possibility of becoming a midwife
- Shitting myself at the thought of becoming a midwife
- Mentally redecorating the children’s bedroom and my office, looking at catalogues and sketching out ideas
- Knowing I need to weed the garden and do some DIY but not being arsed to do so
- Moaning about the weather
- Wondering when I will finally sort out the Spanish, guitar, photography or knitting lessons/courses I so desperately want to take
I feel both lethargic and energised with possibilities. I dream of so much but actually achieve so little. The bulk of the work I do is unpaid. More and more, I don’t mind.
Some days it feels like I am standing at a crossroads and I need to just choose a path and start down it. On others, it’s nice just to stand there and survey the different options available to me. Knowing I have the luxury of even contemplating these choices humbles, excites and even sometimes embarrasses me. So many others have not one iota of choice in their lives.
I often feel both stifled by my duties and empowered by the freedom from ‘the working world’ that they give me. Reconciling the part of me that used to feel worthless for not earning money or having a prestigious job with the ever-growing part of me that actually feels BETTER for it has been a lesson in self-actualisation and in assessing my own worth instead of depending on external sources to put a value on me and the contributions I make to my family, my community and my society.
Increasingly, I feel more and more grateful to Noble Husband for going out to work in the 9-5 rat race every day so that I don’t have to. Knowing that he understands how it depresses me, how it stifles my creative urges and humanitarian socialist tendencies, makes me love him even more.
I used to think I was the one doing him a favour, staying at home to raise our children and keep our household running efficiently. But now I see the favour he’s done for me, too. He has gifted me with possibilities; wonderful, endless possibilities.
After our children, it may be the most wonderful thing he’s ever given me and for that I am eternally grateful. I just hope I can fulfil at least some of my dreams and make him proud.
In time, the path will become clear to me, I know. I will make a choice, step off a cliff and make that leap of faith. Whether success or failure waits for me at the bottom, I don’t know. But at least I will have tried to be and do some or all of the things I’ve always wanted.