Crossroads

NS August 27th, 2011

Gosh, this blog is gathering a rather thick layer of dust, isn’t it?

For the past few months, I have been mainly consumed with:

  • My volunteer work
  • My doula work
  • Planning our holiday in Spain (from which we recently returned)
  • Reading books
  • Wondering why I haven’t felt like blogging and if I will ever write my much-dreamed-of book
  • Contemplating the mass deletion of all my blogs but never bringing myself to do it
  • Feeling more drawn to fiction writing but being too lazy and scared to try it
  • Losing weight (15 pounds so far)
  • Getting back into running and going to the gym
  • Spending time with my family
  • Falling even more in love with my husband
  • Contemplating a third baby and then immediately ruling it out, and vice versa
  • Daydreaming of faraway places and feeling a strong desire to move
  • Looking into the possibility of becoming a midwife
  • Shitting myself at the thought of becoming a midwife
  • Mentally redecorating the children’s bedroom and my office, looking at catalogues and sketching out ideas
  • Knowing I need to weed the garden and do some DIY but not being arsed to do so
  • Moaning about the weather
  • Wondering when I will finally sort out the Spanish, guitar, photography or knitting lessons/courses I so desperately want to take

I feel both lethargic and energised with possibilities. I dream of so much but actually achieve so little. The bulk of the work I do is unpaid. More and more, I don’t mind.

Some days it feels like I am standing at a crossroads and I need to just choose a path and start down it. On others, it’s nice just to stand there and survey the different options available to me. Knowing I have the luxury of even contemplating these choices humbles, excites and even sometimes embarrasses me. So many others have not one iota of choice in their lives.

I often feel both stifled by my duties and empowered by the freedom from ‘the working world’ that they give me. Reconciling the part of me that used to feel worthless for not earning money or having a prestigious job with the ever-growing part of me that actually feels BETTER for it has been a lesson in self-actualisation and in assessing my own worth instead of depending on external sources to put a value on me and the contributions I make to my family, my community and my society.

Increasingly, I feel more and more grateful to Noble Husband for going out to work in the 9-5 rat race every day so that I don’t have to. Knowing that he understands how it depresses me, how it stifles my creative urges and humanitarian socialist tendencies, makes me love him even more.

I used to think I was the one doing him a favour, staying at home to raise our children and keep our household running efficiently. But now I see the favour he’s done for me, too. He has gifted me with possibilities; wonderful, endless possibilities.

After our children, it may be the most wonderful thing he’s ever given me and for that I am eternally grateful. I just hope I can fulfil at least some of my dreams and make him proud.

In time, the path will become clear to me, I know. I will make a choice, step off a cliff and make that leap of faith. Whether success or failure waits for me at the bottom, I don’t know. But at least I will have tried to be and do some or all of the things I’ve always wanted.

Image credit

10 Responses to “Crossroads”

  1. Expat Mum says:

    Don’t sweat it because forcing a decision usually means it’s not the right one. It will come to you.

  2. Liz says:

    Ahh nice to see you back for a bit, with you on every word re: stifled/freedom and gratitude :)
    Liz´s last blog ..More MetaMy ComLuv Profile

  3. Great to hear you so full of energy and possiblities. Take your time. The right thing will come along.

  4. Aren’t you a busy woman :-) Take each day as they come and the right choices will come to you.

  5. “I know what you mean”. I’m similarly frozen (though more like a lanky, bedraggled rabbit in the headlights) at the moment, though I have gotten around to refocusing my blog a little and taking some posts offline.

    “Gotten”. I know that’s American English but I’ve always loved it for some reason.
    Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..The BorrowersMy ComLuv Profile

  6. Lyn says:

    You know that many times before you can really figure out the path you will ultimately choose you have to spend some time in the forest gathering knowledge about where that path leads. Trying your hand at all the different possibilities in order to determine what your passion(s) really are is such a learning experience that should not be overlooked. Take your time and enjoy each step as it comes. As long as you can reflect on what has been, focus on what is, and hope for what might be, you will continue to blossom.

  7. Andrea says:

    I love my NS. You and NH are an amazing pair; you inspire the best in everyone you know. Love from Atlanta! :)

  8. bad aunt says:

    Nice Blog, really enjoyed it.
    Maybe instead of choosing a path, you should think of a wagon wheel and all the spokes that help make the wheel complete.
    You have a lot of interests and passions, so why not enjoy a little bit of all of them!!

  9. Chloe says:

    Hey NS,
    Not sure if you remember me but you followed a blog I wrote a few years ago called the mindful home. I’ve been coming back to your blog for many years.
    Anyway, I felt compelled to post to give you some words of encouragement. Its really difficult letting go of things that have been important to us to make room for new things. I found myself in a similar situation to you- I was a sahm but had all of these other ambitions. One of my main ones was to go to art school and I eventually figured out that I wanted to study photography. I also realized I was very unhappy in my marriage. But it all felt so incredibly scary, the idea of going from sah mother and wife to being a single, student parent again.
    Well, years went by and it just kept nagging at me until I finally got the courage to do something about it. I worked my ass of and applied to a really good photography school here in Canada and ended my marriage.
    Of course our situations are probably vastly different but I just wanted to offer some encouragement. It was very hard and very very scary but I’m so much happier now than I could have ever imagined!!!
    So if you want to go become a midwife, I say GO FOR IT! You have a loving and supportive husband by your side, and if it will make you happier, your family will be happier too trust me! I was so worried about how my daughter would adjust to all of these dramatic changes, but it seems she is honestly doing better than she ever has, even with me staying home full time. Its because she sees that I’m happy and following my dreams.
    Good luck in whatever path you choose!
    Chloe.

    Chloe Reply:

    @Chloe, oh yes and I forgot to add that I am now living on my own with my daughter and working toward a BFA in photography!