Christmas poo and other travesties

NS December 22nd, 2010

I’m not going to write one of those long, boring posts about what I’ve been up to and why I haven’t been able to write, but a booming doula business and a trip to America to see friends, followed immediately by my sister coming to stay for two weeks and the manic lead-up to Christmas means I barely have time to wipe my ass properly let alone concoct long, navel-gazing, ranty or poignant blog posts.

Speaking of ass-wiping, this is something I’m going to be quizzing future playdates on, when Noble Girl has someone over. Just today, I was forced to deal with a toilet full of another child’s excrement and reams of loo roll laid on top, just to make it that much more difficult and unpleasant to flush. To clean up this kid’s Mr. Hanky required 3 plastic bags, 1 pair of gloves, 2 plungers, 1 bottle of spray bleach, 2 sponges and supreme control over not only my gag reflex but my Small Child Swear Word Censor Button.

You guys, I ┬áhad to clean shit off the flexible grooves of the toilet plunger afterwards. AND IT WASN’T EVEN MY KID’S SHIT. Nor was I getting paid even child sweatshop-worker wages to do so.

Tell me I’m not a saint and I’ll tell you to go stick a spork in your groin.

Attention all future and potential playdates: an ass-wiping and flushing demonstration will now take place upon arrival, with a quiz at the end. If you fail the ass-wiping and flushing quiz, you will be marched out the door and returned immediately to your parent/guardian/handler/zookeeper.

Happy Christmas everyone! Have a good one. Eat cheese, drink wine and be merry. And if you’re a teetotal vegan, well…happy New Year.

6 Responses to “Christmas poo and other travesties”

  1. JulieB says:

    Oh yuck…
    I confess that, despite my best nagging intentions my children are still those little monsters that don’t flush the toilet. Mainly this is down to the fact that we have one of those “faux Victorian” high-cisterned toilet, and they can’t physically reach the chain, so have not yet got in the habit.
    I apologise in advance for anyone they may ever visit…

    Merry Christmas!
    JulieB´s last blog ..The Has-BeenMy ComLuv Profile

  2. Mediocre Mum says:

    You couldn’t pay me enough to do that! I would’ve thrown it out! ;-)
    Mediocre Mum´s last blog ..Slow Cooker Sausage and Mash with ChutneyMy ComLuv Profile

  3. Well, Merry Christmas to you. Dudelet is fairly econmical in this area (perhaps TOO economical – hey, we’re way past too much information in this post, right?) but I can imagine little elf getting a bit overly enthusiastic…
    Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..Three things I tell dudelet each nightMy ComLuv Profile

  4. noble sister says:

    imagine my confusion when i woke up from a nice nap and walked out in the hallway to see you on all fours, gagging and spritzing bleach water all over the bathroom. must say i’m glad i slept through the worst of that!
    noble sister´s last blog ..you say tomatoMy ComLuv Profile

  5. bad aunt says:

    good thing you weren’t home in the US for family Christmas.
    You may have gotten one of our famous “gag” gifts for Christmas!
    Sorry about the pun-ha ha
    the bad aunt