Wanted: an end to rape
NS January 12th, 2010
Warning: may be triggering to sexual assault survivors
Imagine you broke up with your boyfriend, a US Marine, and some time later found an ad on Craigslist that he has posted, pretending to be you, in which he said that you wanted to be raped and were looking for a man to fulfill your ‘fantasy.’ Imagine you got the ad taken down and reported it to police and though undoubtedly disgusted and shaken, thought that was the end of it.
Now imagine that before the ad was removed, a man contacted the email address it had listed, offering his services in fulfilling your ‘rape fantasy. ‘ Your ex and this man then carried out lengthy instant messaging conversations in which the man posing as you, the one with whom you used to be in a relationship and you once cared about, gave explicit instructions on how you wanted to be assaulted (“humiliation, physical abuse, sexual abuse”) and told this stranger where you lived.
Then, imagine your worst nightmare comes true. A stranger breaks into your home: binds, blindfolds and gags you; and then rapes you while holding a knife to your throat, as instructed by your former lover from where he lives, on a military base in California.
Sound like a plot from a soap opera or a bad porno movie? Oh, how I wish I could tell you it was.
This actually happened, just last month, to a 25-year-old woman in Wyoming. Her attacker faces charges of first-degree sexual assault, first-degree burglary and first-degree kidnapping. Her ex-boyfriend is being charged with first-degree conspiracy to commit sexual assault.
Not surprisingly, her ex, Jebidiah James Stipe, 27, was in the process of being dismissed from the military for an “undisclosed pattern of misconduct” at the time of his arrest, Marine Corp officials said. I would not be surprised at all if that “pattern of misconduct” included threats, intimidation, insubordination, physical violence, sexual assault and/or sexual harrassment; most likely towards females he worked with and for. The kind of hatred towards women that would allow a man to arrange the brutal rape of his ex-girlfriend would undoutedly be hard to keep hidden from other females who crossed his path.
But what I find so disturbing about this story is not only the incredibly heinous and illegal actions of Jebidiah Stipe, but those of the man who agreed to carry out the sexual assault on his behalf. I know that there will be some who say: “But he was just answering what he believed to be a legitimate ad! He thought he was just fulfilling this kinky lady’s fantasy! He only did what ‘she’ asked him to!” and I’m not sure if legally this guy will have a leg to stand on with that argument (though I wouldn’t be surprised if it held up, given some of the ridiculous defenses rapists and their attorneys have used in the past), but this much is clear:
This man, Ty McDowell, 26, was only able to believe that this woman ‘wanted’ to be raped because he believes that those two things are able to mutually exist. Only in a culture that excuses and diminishes all but the most overt, violent forms of sexual assault was McDowell able to convince himself that he was merely fulfilling a not-all-that-uncommon fantasy; one that many women are too embarrassed or scared to admit they harbor. ‘No’ doesn’t always mean no, apparently; it also sometimes means ‘Yes please, and do it harder!’ according to popular myth.
And who can blame him for making this mistake, really? McDowell has undoubtedly grown up watching violent, degrading pornography in which women’s bodies are ‘taken’ and men are the ones ‘giving’ it to them, as if female sexuality and autonomy were commodities as common and worthless as coffee mugs or scented candles in the office Secret Santa gift exchange. He’s undoubtedly heard his peers make jokes about sexual assault and seen rape trials unfold where the victim’s character and whether she really said No (and forcefully enough, to boot) were called into question and made her out to be a woman who, in the end, didn’t want to stop the unwanted sex badly enough or who wanted it all along but felt too ashamed to give in and say Yes outright.
Ty McDowell grew up in a culture that objectifies women to the point where we can’t even buy running shoes without making it all about tits and ass and how fuckable we are to men. He grew up in a society where a sizeable portion of the population think a woman is at least partially (if not totally) at fault for her rape if she had been drinking, had flirted with her assailant before the attack or was wearing ‘revealing’ clothing. He grew up in a place where a ‘sex robot’ can be invented, constructed, demonstrated and sold by ‘normal’ people and publicised in mainstream media markets without a disturbed eyelash being batted [I won't post a link to the video here but needless to say it is grotesque; not only is it misogynist but also plain creepy, with references to the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and with one of the robot's 'personalities' describing her death].
Though it would be easy to dismiss this as just another bizarre, one-off creation, that this kind of thing is only a ‘joke’ or for ‘losers’, it shows just how inconsequential and disposable some men think women’s bodies are and what little importance they place on our thoughts, feelings and rights to ourselves. That some would rather have sex with a doll than bother to do the work in forming an authentic, consenting sexual bond with a real, live woman is exactly the kind of view that contributes to the dehumanization of women and, in turn, the proliferation of rape culture. It leads to a world where a man can, with the mere placement of an ad, leave a woman’s body violated and her life in pieces. And that kind of world scares (and angers) the hell out of me.
- Feminist Fury , Objectification , Rape , Violence
- Comments(22)
I couldn’t believe what I was actually reading. What kind of man would plot something so hideous and calculated. I can’t even imagine what the poor woman is going through that was put through this ordeal.
Both men should be castrated (and not humanely either) and made to pay for this every day of their lives.
What a horrendous story.
A rape culture imprisons all women – even those that have no personal experience of having been raped. Because the fear of it restricts our movements and actions all the time. We are afraid to go out alone at night. We are warned by the police not to get drunk when we go out to socialise with our friends.
The implication is always that if we are raped, we only have ourselves to blame.
I’m shocked. Really shocked. And disgusted.
Horrific , terribly sad and yes very scary. What always shocks me is that two evil people can come together in that way to commit such a devastating act.
What a horrendous story.
A rape culture imprisons all women – even those that have no personal experience of having been raped, because the fear of it can restrict our movements and actions in all areas of our lives.
We are afraid to go out alone at night. We are warned by police not to drink too much if we go out socialising with our friends.
The implication is always that if we get raped, we have no-one to blame but ourselves.
I could totally excuse it if the rapist had met the woman in person first. I’m sure there are people who are into pretending to be raped, but the key would be making sure that the woman is real and actually wants to participate before you go doing it!!
Wow, that has left me dumbstruck. That poor woman, hope they both get the book thrown at them and spend the rest of their lives in jail.
This leaves me sad, upset, dumbstruck and very, very angry
you make so many good, heartfelt points here but the one I like the most is the point about any man believing a woman would WANT to be raped – that those to things can somehow co-exist in the world.
What a hateful, frightening story, but I know I am a better person for having read and learned from you today.
I agree with Courtney’s comment – that’s the bit that has stuck with me since reading this excellent but disturbing post.
I’ll go back through your archives but I have a feeling that it was you that said, in response to somebody who remarked girls need to be taught self-respect (so that they don’t feel pressured into sex), it was also the responsibility of parents of boys to teach their boys to respect girls/women.
I also read this thinking it was extraordinary (in the literal sense) but everything you’ve said about advertising and that god-awful robot thing has convinced me otherwise.
Thanks for writing this.
Speechless.
I’m horrified. There is a part of me that would like me to run hell for leather away from this information…but most of me wants to face this head on. Be a part of instigating change.
You write so passionately and highlight issues that I wish I could devote 24/7 to.
I am raising 2 young boys – and one of my biggest sense of responsibilities to this world is the fact that they will NEVER perpetuate this type of thinking/acting in any way whatsoever.
it all just makes me sick to my stomach.
Thanks for the brilliant post.
Truly disgusting. Awful. Gave me the shivers. But I can see it happening. I recently watched a Documentary (I think it was done in Canada but I can’t remember its name) questioning if porn has gone too far. It was amazing to me to hear about all the different kinds of porn out there, and how it’s gone beyond stretching the limits. Nothing is taboo anymore in the porn industry. So if you watch it regularly, why wouldn’t you think it was normal to ask to be raped? It’s a horrible reality that we live in this type of culture now.
Sick. It angers the hell out of me too, to put it mildly.
This is the kind of post I have to force myself to read. And yes, I do think there’s a connection between certain kinds of media and this kind of horrible crime. And it’s not only a horrific crime of rape – it’s a hate crime. And it won’t stop until we have a culture where men stop fearing and hating women.
Brilliant post, thank you. This angers me so much. Earlier this week I read of the possible closure of another rape crisis centre due to lack of funding. The near absence of specialist services out there to help women who have been raped or sexually assaulted, the ridiculously low rape conviction rate – all parts of the culture you describe.
Brilliant post – thank you for raising awareness
I cannot believe that we live in a society where a man could actually believe that a woman could want to be treated like that – what judgement does that bring on us, the wider members of society?
I think every woman, to a greater or lesser extent, suffers from that belief that woman ‘want’ to be raped – we walk in fear after dark because we know society condones that belief
That was difficult to read. It saddens and angers me that someone could treat another human being like that. The fact that it demonstrates hatred of women makes it even more sickening. Brilliant post.
Unbelievable. And yet this is the first time I’ve heard of it. X Factor winners and Celebrity Big Brother I know well, despite never having watched either of them because they are all over the media, and yet something like this …
I do think he should have checked that she really did want it first but genuinely a significant although small number of women have rape fantasies…not really fair to say they cant enjoy them
Sorry to intrude on your blog but I feel like a need to set a few things straight. I’m not at all making excuses for Ty or the horrible things he has been accussed of, but growing up with him for 17 years I need to ask you to lay off his family and the way he was raised because you have no idea. His parents are crushed, probably beyond repair. Why? Because this in NOT how Ty was raised, to have no respect for women. In fact, just the opposite. Needless to say, our community is still shocked. What I know of Ty is that he is a smart, hardworking, kind, happy guy and it breaks my heart to think that he has made so many horribly wrong choices that have led him to do such a thing. And I hope that justice will be served. My heart is sick for that poor woman that was abused and hope she can somehow get her life back together. Go ahead and judge Ty, because HE was the one that somehow made it to this point in his life, don’t you dare judge his family and how he was raised.
@1 – There is no such thing as a rape fantasy. If you fantasise about it and want it and even advertise for it, it’s not rape. It might be a fantasy about stranger sex or rough sex or bondage, but it’s not a ‘rape’ fantasy. You can’t fantasise about real rape because real rape is not wanted, enjoyed or consented to in any way, shape or form.
@A – If you’ll read back through my post, absolutely nowhere did I blame or even mention Ty’s family or how he was raised. I’m not interested in the whole ‘blame the parents’ meme. I said that how our SOCIETY views, treats and portrays women undoubtedly contributed to Ty’s belief that rape fantasies are a) possible, b) common and c) something he would want to take part in. I understand that this must be an emotionally charged issue for you since you know him but you’re reading into things that I never said.