Baa Baa. Black sheep?
NS December 13th, 2009
The Noble Child’s pre-school had its Christmas play on Friday and in the days leading up to it, while I was trying to put together a reindeer costume for her to wear, The Noble Husband and I had some rather interesting discussions about it. I wanted to put her in a homemade costume, the one recommded by the school (brown shirt, trousers and slippers with an antler headband) but when I mentioned that I remembered the children from last year’s play wearing matching, store-bought outfits, TNH immediately insisted that if all of the other kids who were playing reindeers would be in store-bought costumes, TNC should be too. I sort of laughed it off and thought he must be joking. These are 3 and 4-year olds, after all! Surely people do the bare minimum for their costumes, seeing as there’s not even a guarantee they won’t pull them off, irreperably damage or refuse to wear them on the day.
But alas, he was not joking. Turns out he has strong feelings about kids (in general but especially our own) not standing out from the crowd, especially when it’s something their parents have chosen or done for them. He thinks our job is to make sure she fits in and is as like the other children as possible, especially in these crucial early years when she is learning how to socialise and make friends. The anti-conformity rebel in me reared her head and countered with, “Yeah, but don’t we also want to teach her that buying things that we can easily make or already have is a waste of resources and money, not to mention what it says about doing what everyone else is doing and being overly concerned with others’ opinions?” We went back and forth a few times, with him calling me a “hippie” (not really an insult in my book!) and me bleating “Baa! Baa!” at him.
Did I ever mention that we’re polar opposites on certain issues? It’s a barrel of laughs at times, let me tell you.
After our somewhat heated exchange I thought about it some more and the next day I buckled when I walked past the party supply store and saw a child’s reindeer costume in the window for £10.99. Surely 11 quid is a small price to pay if my daughter is happy and fits in with the other kids, right? I’d hate to be so stubborn and smug in my personal convictions that I would ignore her wishes or make her upset. So I bought it and then, on the morning of her play, we laid the costumes out and asked her which she wanted to wear. She chose the original, homemade outfit, mainly because the store-bought one was “too itchy” and “fell off her head lots.” I was remarkably mature and refrained from gloating (or bleating) in front of TNH. All we both wanted was for her to make her own decision and be happy with it and that’s exactly what she did. And as it turned out, most of the reindeers were in similar outfits and if she’d been in her store-bought costume she’d have stood out more.
The whole thing got me thinking, though, about how to handle situations like this in the future. Right now she’s only 3 and so it’s not really going to crop up that often, but it will, sooner than I think. She starts ‘big school’ in September and it’s only a matter of time before the next opportunity for assimilation. It’s going to be quite a balancing act, helping her to fit in without encouraging her to be a mindless herd-follower, or at least building enough of a foundation of individuality that her confidence in going it alone or against the grain isn’t compromised later in life, after she is free from the intense peer pressure that the school years brings.
What are your thoughts and experiences on how to achieve the right balance?
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It’s a toughie.
I have one son who is totally happy to do his own thing and stand out. I have another who would die rather than be different. I go on a case by case basis. The difficulty comes when school sets it up so that it’s an issue (why didn’t your school help by being more explicit and saying “please don’t go out and buy a costume”? – I would if I was a teacher). And it gets harder as they get older, and you’re no longer looking at 10.99 for a reindeer costume, but hundreds of dollars for a cell phone with the right must-have features, and a child who is saying “but I KNOW this is a great phone, because Peter has one, AND Jack says he’s going to get one for Christmas”.
We were brought up to stand out if we wanted to (my mum once stopped the car on the way to school, in the safest Tory constituency in the UK, and got my brother to jump out and stick a “Vote Labour” sticker on the nose on the picture of the Tory candidate on a lamp-post – we thought that was huge fun). I think I was ok with that approach generally, but I’m not sure my siblings would say the same. And it made life more complicated. It’s more comfortable to be a sheep – but I know you well enough from your blog to be sure that you wouldn’t see being comfortable as a goal you want to teach your kids to aspire to!
very tough one. The only experience I have is being that age all those years ago. I wasn’t one much fir conforming (besides which we couldn’t afford it) but looking back it would have made my life a whole lot easier if i had. As for what i want for child, the easy conforming life seems so much more worry free and yet it still doesn’t sit well with me. So I guess I’ll just wait and see what they want when we get there and in the mean time try to make them fit in as well as possible without making a bif deal out of it. Hopefully leaving a blank enough slate that they can make their own mind up when the time comes.
I was really pleased, when the school and preschool said that parents didnt need to make the costumes. They had some industrious person, who had wiped them all up, so as they would all be the same. Now this meant that MaxiMad had to wear one, he does not do dressing up. They also realised that the little 3 year olds dont always want to dress up so didnt force the issue and minimad remained in his uniform.
As far as I am concerned we allow the boys choices as often as we can, not great big ones, but little ones, ie the plain biccie or the party ring. We want them to learn about consequences.
I am not and neither is MadDad concerned about them sticking out. I used to through school and so did he, so we just have a different base line for normal
I think it’s essential to teach our kids to respect others, regardless of differences. And that needs to include letting them choose to show their individuality, or to follow the pack. I did a bit of both myself, and settled into a comfortable median in adulthood. I hope my girls can do the same.
I feel your pain on the conflicting opinions with your husband. Chris and I can have similar issues. Sometimes I wish I did’n have to compromise!
It reminds me a bit of a point Alfie Kohn makes: when our children are young, we want them to do as their told (by us, their parents; by their school friends, so they “fit in”). Once they’re teenagers, though, we want them to be fearlessly resistant to peer pressure…
I agree with Tasha that the key point is ensuring that our children know their choices are valid (and that other people’s choices are to be respected) whether they are following the pack or doing something individual. Most of us follow the pack on some things and take our own path on others. Sometimes the same decision can involve both.
Example: our eldest, T8, enjoys going to football each Saturday morning. Frankly, if it were down to me I’d rather he did something like cycling, where he has a real chance to flourish (he likes football, but I doubt he’s ever going to be a particularly good player). But, when given the choice, he asked to resume football classes, so that’s fine. Net result: in terms of his peers you could say he is “following the herd”; but in terms of his family, he is “showing his individuality”.
It’s already clear that dudet is quite torn (6 in dec) about standing out vs following the (reindeer) herd. I think you were spot on in giving her the choice and that’s the line we tend to follow where practical. On the other hand, I had a lot of rather needless non-conformity forced upon me as a child; the wrong haircut, 20 year out of date shorts I was beaten up for wearing and so on. There are some areas where conformity is a matter of survival (I first read Lord of the Flies when I was 11 and recognised every word as true) and I would always go with supporting his need to conform in those instances. Well, on the surface, anyway.
And supermum and I argue about this too – I wanted together him the pink scooter he wanted at 3, supermum wasn’t having it.
@Iota – Ugh, I don’t even want to *think* about what it will be like when we’re talking about expensive clothes or gadgets, not just a reindeer costume. Your mum sounds awesome, btw! But I would say that, wouldn’t I.
@Heather – I agree, especially about giving them a ‘blank slate’ so they can make their own minds up.
@MadHouse – See, I wish TNH and I had the same ‘baseline’ sometimes, because it can be frustrating when we’re coming at issues from such different angles.
@Tasha – Ah, so you know how bloody annoying it can be to disagree with your partner on certain issues. PITA sometimes, ya know?
@John H – Very true re: the Alfie Kohn quote! Also agree with you that what might be conformity in our family might not be to the ‘outside world’ and vice versa.
@Dad Who Writes – So ixnay on the pink scooter, eh? Tis a shame. That’s why I get so annoyed by all the ‘pink is for girls, every other color is for boys’ meme…it limits both genders.
I had a similar issue this halloween, although it isn’t such a big issue yet because my daughter is so young. She wanted to be thomas the tank engine, because she had spotted a picture of it in a costume catalogue at her daycare. Except I felt ridiculous putting her in a mass produced costume that who knows how many other kids would be wearing, so I chose to make one for her. I also made my own costume for the same reason.
When she is older I will give her more choice in the decision of course, but at this point I feel I should encourage creativity and individuality as something to be proud of so that later on perhaps she doesn’t feel the need to conform. That said, if she does decide she’d rather follow the pack then I feel that its up to her- she is her own person and in my opinion if you are happier blending in rather than standing out, that’s perfectly fine as long as it’s an informed decision and not just blind obedience. I’m just hoping she would choose that for the right reasons, not because she feels pressured.
Either way, I’ll continue to embarrass her by making my own halloween costume each year
I think it depends somewhat on the kid. We ran into this for the first time when I took my daughter to ballet for the first time and she was very upset because she was the only one without a costume. I go her one, pale pink as she requested, and just like what 80% of the other kids had and she was delighted. I can tell that she doesn’t like to stand out too much, and will probably want to conform. She also tells me “My friends like my shoes”, and she notices very much what her little preschool friends wear. How I wish for school uniforms! Her friend, however (also aged 3.5) wears a black ballet outfit, and comes to ballet decorated with stick on tattoos, like a tiny goth. Already, she likes to stand out in the crowd!
My daughter is 6 and has strong views on so many things including what she wears. A lot of the time she choses something that makes her stand out from her friends and it doesn’t bother her at all. I don’t think she is really aware that she may look different; she has decided what she is wearing and that’s it. She seems to have her own mind and knows exactly what she wants. I am still trying to work her out. I’d like it to be a bit more balanced because I would like to have more of a say over things.
Your post reminded me of an old Dolly Parton song called Coat of Many Colors. You should take a listen to it!! (I am showing my age aren’t I) ha ha
I must have missed this post the first time round. As someone who stood out like a sore thumb all through junior high and high school and suffered for it, I’m with The Noble Husband. Give them the opportunity to conform and fly under the bullying radar until they can make the decision to be a non-conformist. If they so desire. I know we’re talking about 3 and 4 year olds, but they’ll thank you when they’re 13 or 14. Actually, they won’t. But with hindsight they might thank you when they’re 33 or 34.