NS December 6th, 2009

The following is a guest post from a blogger whom I greatly admire and genuinely like, even though we’ve never met. She is one of those people whose personality comes through in a very honest and real way, even on the computer screen, and endears pretty much everyone who comes into contact with her. She has inspired many bloggers with her creativity and encouragement to practice and perfect our writing but to not get too caught up in that quest for perfection. This lovely lady has written a letter to her 16-year-old self, following a meme started by notSupermum. The contents of that letter are below. To protect her anonymity, I am not publishing her name or a link to her blog so if you want to comment on this post you can do so here, she will be reading.

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Hello friend.

You’re not in a good place right now are you? Sixteen and already you know far more about the world than you should do. You are still such a baby although you would hate me for saying that, and I know you don’t feel like one. You feel like no-one understands you, and you’re right, they don’t. That requires you opening up to people and that’s something you’ve forgotten how to do.

I need to get one thing straight to you ok? Not all men are like the one you have just escaped from. Sex is not about being made to do stuff you are too young to understand. Sex is not about violence and not about manipulation. It’s going to be a while before you realise that, but you will. In the meantime you need to get some counselling and fast. What you have gone through in the last three years cannot be erased from your memory by force of will, or by taking your revenge on every guy you sleep with by being manipulative and obsessive in return, or by abstinence which will later feel like the safer option.  You have been battered my sweet girl, physically and emotionally and those scars are going to take a long time to heal – you need some help dealing with this. Oh and get your jaw looked at. Because shit head dislocated it and it will click when you eat for the rest of your life.

I know you feel like you’ve already suffered enough crap to last a life time but you need to prepare yourself honey because you have a bumpy road ahead. So have your fun, try and be a bit kinder to those poor boys that cross your path, but the drinking, the lying to your parents and running off to nightclubs in big cities? Go for it. You’ll never do it again so you might as well get it out your system. Just stay safe ok.

Once things start getting crazy you’re just going to have to hang on for the ride and trust you will get through it – which you will, and you’ll emerge stronger and grateful for the lessons you’ve learned. There’s not a lot you could do to avoid any of it, but to try and save you a little pain at least, here’s what you need to know.

Your parent’s marriage is coming to its end now. That’s ok, I know you’ve been waiting for it for a long time and although the little girl in you is so sad, one day you will look back and see that this was the best thing to ever happen to your family. But your mum’s new ‘friend’? You might as well learn now that she is a hell of a lot more than that, it will be less of a shock when you find out accidently. Don’t worry though, she is lovely and you will make your mum blossom and find peace in a way you never could have imagined. They are soul mates and needed to find each other – you will wish they had done so sooner.

Your dad is going to meet someone new too soon. She will make your life a living hell but you need to know that no matter how he acts your dad loves you and is so proud of you. You will lose him for a while but he will find his way back to you: he has his own lessons to learn and as much as you will wish to spare him of the pain he has to come, it will change him for the better.

Now the really bad bit: pretty soon you’re going to start feeling very poorly. It’ll start with a long hospital stay this year so don’t bother revising for your GCSE’s, you’ll miss the lot. In fact, I’d write off all formal education in your mind for a while yet, you’ll feel less disappointed when you have to let go of all your plans and dreams – you won’t really get better for a long time. At first you will think you’re dying, and then when the tests come back clear you will be scared that you have lost your mind because people don’t believe that you are really ill. You will be horribly afraid and in more pain than you ever thought it was possible for a human being to bear, but you will be ok. Honestly. I know it hurts honey but you need to try and keep moving around – you will get better a lot quicker if you do. Above all know that this is NOT in your head or some terrible punishment from God for your past. You’re just wired up a little differently. You will get better at coping with the pain and the fatigue. One day it will hardly bother you at all and you will get to pick up your life again.

Here’s the good news. In less than two years you are going to meet the man that will change everything and who will carry you through all the bad stuff. Everything else may go a bit tits up but this will be the one thing in your life you can rely on. So do what I know you will do, grab him with both hands and don’t let go. There will be much laughter, and a fairytale wedding, and a baby boy that will take you on a whole new crazy journey but bring you more happiness and more healing to you and to your family than you ever could have hoped for.

One last thing: I know you don’t know what to do with your life, but let me tell you girl you were born to write. So start now. Don’t be scared about failing because you won’t, although you’re going to have to accept that you will write some crap at times. And paint more too – I know you think you’re shit but you’re really, really not, and your insecurity and doubts are a horrible waste of your energy and your talents. You still struggle now, you still struggle with a lot of stuff, and have days where you feel worthless and that you should never write another word, but you’re getting there.

Above all, just be patient with yourself. You are headed for great things, I am sure of it. We may not have got there just yet but hell, we’re still young. There’s no rush.

Love,

you aged 27 and 11/12ths.

P.S. Sleep child, at every given opportunity. Believe me, you might as well make the most of it.

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