Making time for marriage
NS November 13th, 2009
I don’t normally discuss my marriage (at least not the bits that aren’t funny) on this site, and I’m not going to go into great detail starting now, but needless to say, it has come to my attention that I haven’t been paying The Noble Husband very much attention lately. We’ve been happier and more content in the last few months than we have been in quite awhile, mainly due to finances not being such a huge issue now that I’m earning and with The Noble Baby’s immediate needs becoming less and less demanding. The resentful bickering that used to plague us when we were broke and looking after a tiny baby plus a moody toddler had dwindled down to the odd argument about whose turn it was to get up early or do the dishes.
However, I am still not getting a full night’s sleep and, truth be told, am getting sort of fed up with it. I think that because our daughter was sleeping through the night by her first birthday, I kind of assumed our son would too. I had steeled myself for a year of night wakings and early morning feeds but now that his birthday has come and gone and he is still consistently waking up 1-2 times a night, anywhere between 1 and 5 a.m. (which isn’t bad, I know; many people have it much worse), I find myself getting grumpier and grumpier about it. I figure I haven’t had a solid 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep since I was about 7 months pregnant, or nearly 16 months ago. Even when I’ve had 7 or 8 hours sleep total, if I was awake for 15 minutes of that while feeding the baby and then woke again when TNC came to our bed (as she does every night now), that 7 or 8 hours has been broken into 2 or 3 chunks of separate sleep cycles. As I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, chunks of 2-3 hours of sleep does not a well-rested person make.
So I think my perpetual tiredness, coupled with my recent career decisions and newfound time to myself (I am self-employed and have just put the children in care two days a week so I can pursue my ambitions) have left me feeling that I have to choose between time as a couple in the evening, “me time,” work and sleep. Often, the latter three win out over the former. Once I’ve gotten the kids to bed, tidied up, had a bit of relaxation time and eaten dinner, I’m ready to either focus on some work or go to sleep. And there’s TNH over on the sofa, trying to talk to me while I keep one eye on my computer and another turning the pages of a book or newspaper, giving half-hearted nods and mmm-hmms as he tries to engage me in conversation or some form of intimacy.
In short, I’ve been neglectful and self-centered and entirely too dismissive of his feelings. I consider our marriage so strong and solid and unshakable that I often shuffle it to the bottom of the priority list when that list is as long as my arm. If you plant a seed but then forget to water it, it will never grow, just sit buried underneath mounds of wishful thinking. Similarly, gardens that have already grown tend to get strangled with weeds if left untended.
And so this weekend I’m switching off, tuning out, and putting down all of the things that usually distract me and making sure the most important man in my life feels appreciated, loved and cared for. He deserves it; our marriage deserves it. I just hope I can remember not to let things get so thorny next time.
- Til Death Do Us Part
- Comments(11)
Enjoy your weekend with TNH.
Sounds like a great plan to me. Enjoy it and enjoy him. Bet you end up doing it more often.
you’ve got to keep the well full so you can dip into it. enjoy the weekend (except for the sad loss by the Colts
Good for you in recognising it, it’s very easy to take these things for granted. Have a good weekend!
Good idea. It is so easy to get distracted by the daily tasks. You should plan a “date night” at least every other week. Maybe 3-4 hours of togetherness time.
Maybe have the inlaws, a friend, or hire a babysitter to watch the kids (whether at your home or theirs) and get out and enjoy. You don’t have to spend a lot of money. Just do something together, hold hands, listen to each other, and have interesting conversations. Keep the conversations light hearted and upbeat. Go to a cafe for coffee, go to a park, a museum, a stroll, or stay home. The nights don’t have to be perfect, just enjoyable. Some occasions you can get each other a little suprise gift. For example, you can give him a candle. Then have him light it and fill some wine glasses while you fill the bathtub! Times other than date nights it is nice just to leave each other a litlle card (in the sock drawer, in the backpack, or just a post it on the computer). Stop and imagine what your life would be without each other and how hard it is to start over from scratch, then “make” the time to keep your relationship flourishing. I know I may sound a little old fashioned, but hey, after 30 years of marriage…
I’m convinced that a long and happy marriage is only possible if you are meeting your partner’s needs. I don’t discuss the serious stuff on my blog, either, but I have alluded to the fact that we went though a very rough time about six years ago when our kids were about 4 and 2. It was very rough. Enough said. What got us through, once we made the decision to try to fix it instead of walking away, was actually sitting down and making a list of the things we needed the other to do for us. It was everything from ‘talk to me’ to ‘help me with the housework’ and of course ‘more sex’ and ‘more hugging.’ We made a real effort to do those things for each other, and none of them ever felt like a chore when we could see how well it was working in terms of bringing us back together. I am always so saddened to hear of people’s marriages ending in divorce when all that seems to have happened is that they stopped meeting each other’s needs, and stopped caring about what those needs might be. Six years later I can honestly say we are now happier than we have ever been.
We have another couple who we trade babysitting with. We take it in turns to babysit each other’s kids once a month (minimum). We also try to get away for kid-free weekends at least twice a year, for which we pay our babysitter to sleep over for the weekend, or my parents babysit.
Its tough. Sometimes I feel as if I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness, the kids, my husbands, my team at work, and that no-one worries or cares whether I am happy. I’m waiting for my husband to appreciate me! Your scenario sounds nicer though, so maybe I should give him a break! Bad aunt, I love your suggestions.
I think it’s very difficult to make that kind of couple-space when you’re trying to re-establish your own personal space. Though I’m aware of it, it’s interesting for me to see someone in the mother’s position writing about their side of the experience.
God, though – the choice between ‘me time’ and ‘us time’ when the truth of the matter is that there’s nothing bu ‘them time’!
I suspect, though, that you haven’t been anywhere near as neglectful as you think. I mean, the waking and feeding are exhausting, for both of you, but especially the one who actually has to do the feeding! But even a teeny bit of intimacy can go a long way.
I think Dad Who Writes makes a really good point. I feel there is a need to re-establish some space for yourself once you are ready and maybe that even needs to happen before you can create couple-space?
H and I are making a conscious effort to find some more time for each other and it’s made a massive difference. It’s one of those virtuous circle things: we’ve managed to spend time together and be nice to each other, which has made us rediscover how much we enjoy each others’ company and in turn makes us want to spend more time together. We’re still quite bad at booking babysitters and actually getting out as a couple though.
Hope you had a good weekend.
Big big round of applause for you xxx
Like everyone else has said, it’s extremely difficult to carve out Me and Us time out of the same chunk of (what feels like) borrowed time in the evenings.
Someone once suggested to me that I designate a certain night to just myself; set an expectation to only be available in spirit, so that I can focus and not feel guilty or neglect anyone (grown man, specifically). I think it’s good advice. I haven’t taken it, yet, but that’s mostly because my husband has been traveling pretty much constantly this year, BUT, when I get the chance I’m going to do this. Conversely, I could have a couple-night, too. Anyway, you get my drift.
I applaud your TNH-Weekend, though. It sounds lovely.