Bye bye, baby
NS October 29th, 2009
Did I tell you that I found a childminder? That starting next week I will have two childfree days in which to do my own thing? No? Oh, sorry. I must’ve been too busy simultaneously fretting about it and jumping up and down with ecstatic joy to get round to blogging. You know how it is…
So yes, we’ve decided that I won’t be returning to full-time work just yet. Too expensive for two kids to make it worth the time and trouble. Once TNC starts school in September, we can more easily afford childcare. But there was no way I was going to be satisfied with waiting another 10-11 months before I did anything for my career so I decided to use the money I’m earning with my freelance job to pay for childcare two days a week. With a commitment from my mother-in-law to have each child one day a week, I only needed someone to look after TNC for one afternoon a week, after pre-school, and TNB for one full day (from 9-4). Luckily, I found someone straight away and we met last week. She was absolutely lovely, her house was lovely and we clicked straight away. She has a little boy TNB’s age and also looks after a little girl the same age. So two playmates his own age and no older children to run riot ’round him? Result!
After two afternoons spent at her house and my three pages of questions met satisfactorily, “Jane” and I signed the contracts and I handed over the month’s fees in advance. And this morning I walked the children to her house, where after a brief chat and settling in period, I had to kiss the top of my crying son’s head, trying desperately not to cry myself, walk out of the house and shut the door. It was the heaviest door ever, I tell you.
My mother-in-law was outside, ready to take TNC back to her house. I swallowed the lump in my throat, kept my hands busy loading her things in the car, and after TNC had been driven away and I could hear that my boy had stopped crying inside, I stood, all alone, on the pavement. All alone, for the first time in so very long. All alone, for two whole hours. I should’ve been ecstatic, according to some. According to others, I should’ve been bereft, and beating myself up with guilt.
Instead, I was a mixture of the two. I walked slowly away, my bag heavy on my shoulder but a smile slowly coming to my face. I felt like skipping and crying at the same time. Finally, the time to write. Finally, the time to realise my dreams. But still, the self-doubt crept in. Would he be okay? Would I?
The leaves on the ground and the sun in the sky reminded me that seasons are ever-changing. We are ever-changing. This is simply a new season in my life, in all of ours. It was inevitable. It is necessary. But damn it if it doesn’t also hurt a little.
- Career , Family , Parenting 101 , Squish Squish , The Noble Baby
- Comments(10)
I remember it so well.
It still tugs at the heart strings even now!
Two sides of the same coin. Yes, changing seasons.
OH I SO know how you feel. My youngest is 18 months now, and started going to a group from 8 till 1pm (five days a week), when he was 10 months old. I cried for about 5 minutes, great big gut wrenching sobs, all the way home in the car. 5 minutes later, I was drinking coffee and blogging with a great big huge smile on my face.
It’s like you say, sad, but oh so liberating. Thankfully the woman who runs the group (5 little dudes all his age) is AMAZING, and I have NO worries when he’s there, and know that he’s having an absolute blast.
I can really imagine what that must feel like.
There is part of my longing for some more time to myself, to write and pursue my own thing. I wish we could afford it.
But there is another part of me that loathes the thought of it, of having someone else come into my child’s life and his world – of having to let go of that little bit of him.
I am really happy for you. And excited to see what you choose to use your new free time with
Hi. I thought I’d pop by after quite some time and had to smile, because I hired a babysitter this week and I think I know where you are coming from…
Hope all is well.
x D
Wow – yeah its very very mixed isn’t it – remember when Bub 2 started kindergarten that same feeling of ‘wow he’s so grown up’ and ‘now what do i do?’ and ‘ am I still a mum for these hours’? and “Yay”.
Congrats! It will be interesting to see how excited your little one will be – out there making friends and new adventures.
It is so weird to be standing on your own. Noone pulling at your legs. You can walk and walk fast. You can squeeze in between people. You can do what you want when you want to. But all that dreaming about what you are going to do when you get 2 seconds to yourself goes out the window in milliseconds. I found it quite difficult and couldn’t wait to get back to them. 5 minutes later I’d have paid good money to drop them back off again.
How exciting for you, I’m looking forward to see where this next new stage that you are starting on takes you. x
Hope that you all had a lovely time, Your son will enjoy having new friends, you will have more to give them with time to regroup and be just yourself for a while (well as much as any mother can!). Enjoy.
Oh, I know the feeling! It gets easier, and before long you may find yourself able to fully enjoy your time without guilt. And you may find that your little ones look forward to their time away, too. It’s such a big, exciting step!