Bye bye, baby
NS October 29th, 2009
Did I tell you that I found a childminder? That starting next week I will have two childfree days in which to do my own thing? No? Oh, sorry. I must’ve been too busy simultaneously fretting about it and jumping up and down with ecstatic joy to get round to blogging. You know how it is…
So yes, we’ve decided that I won’t be returning to full-time work just yet. Too expensive for two kids to make it worth the time and trouble. Once TNC starts school in September, we can more easily afford childcare. But there was no way I was going to be satisfied with waiting another 10-11 months before I did anything for my career so I decided to use the money I’m earning with my freelance job to pay for childcare two days a week. With a commitment from my mother-in-law to have each child one day a week, I only needed someone to look after TNC for one afternoon a week, after pre-school, and TNB for one full day (from 9-4). Luckily, I found someone straight away and we met last week. She was absolutely lovely, her house was lovely and we clicked straight away. She has a little boy TNB’s age and also looks after a little girl the same age. So two playmates his own age and no older children to run riot ’round him? Result!
After two afternoons spent at her house and my three pages of questions met satisfactorily, “Jane” and I signed the contracts and I handed over the month’s fees in advance. And this morning I walked the children to her house, where after a brief chat and settling in period, I had to kiss the top of my crying son’s head, trying desperately not to cry myself, walk out of the house and shut the door. It was the heaviest door ever, I tell you.
My mother-in-law was outside, ready to take TNC back to her house. I swallowed the lump in my throat, kept my hands busy loading her things in the car, and after TNC had been driven away and I could hear that my boy had stopped crying inside, I stood, all alone, on the pavement. All alone, for the first time in so very long. All alone, for two whole hours. I should’ve been ecstatic, according to some. According to others, I should’ve been bereft, and beating myself up with guilt.
Instead, I was a mixture of the two. I walked slowly away, my bag heavy on my shoulder but a smile slowly coming to my face. I felt like skipping and crying at the same time. Finally, the time to write. Finally, the time to realise my dreams. But still, the self-doubt crept in. Would he be okay? Would I?
The leaves on the ground and the sun in the sky reminded me that seasons are ever-changing. We are ever-changing. This is simply a new season in my life, in all of ours. It was inevitable. It is necessary. But damn it if it doesn’t also hurt a little.
