Light at the end of the toddler
NS October 3rd, 2009
I’ve written before about how difficult I’ve found The Noble Child at times: her tantrums, our bad days, my exasperation. I’ve also written about the good times: her sweetness, our funny moments and the goofy ways we diffuse the tension.
I love her unreservedly and unconditionally. She makes me laugh ’til my sides hurt sometimes and there is never a dull moment around her.
But if I’m honest, I’ve found the toddler stage, overall, very difficult. From 18 months onwards, TNC has been a full-steam-ahead, non-stop whirling dirvish of mishievous, independence-asserting, strong-willed spiritedness (or other nice ways of saying, “She’s a real handful”) that at times has brought me to the lowest lows I’ve ever known. In the last two years I have found myself slumped on the floor in total defeat, tears streaming down my face and my body wracked with great, gulping big sobs, sure that I couldn’t ever get up again, sure that I was not cut out for motherhood and that she’d be better off without me.
I’ve seethed with a rage that made my entire body shake, my teeth grind uncontrollably and my fist or foot lash out at or thrown some inanimate object that bore the brunt of my outburst, and then beat myself up with guilt.
I’ve sat in my GP’s office telling him of my problems with anger, feeling like I should be whispering in the confessional booth at church, shrouded in secrecy and fingering a rosary that I hope will grant me forgiveness.
Hail Mary, full of grace…
I’ve not felt full of grace in quite awhile, frankly. Some days, I’m happy with having simply survived.
But now, she is three-and-a-half. She is going to pre-school four mornings a week; the other day she spends with her grandmother. She can grasp the concept of having to wait for something, and of sharing. I can have very lengthy conversations with her now, about all sorts of things. She can dress herself, pour herself a drink of juice, pick her brother up to move him out of harm’s way, open her own snacks and recite books completely from memory. She is making friends everywhere she goes and just today while out shopping on the high street, she ran into three of them — one from pre-school and two from ballet and tap class. She, very endearingly, insists on doing things “By on my own” or “All on myself” and does just that.
She is no longer a toddler but a pre-schooler. She is shrugging off her baby days once and for all and entering the next stage of childhood, in all its wonder-filled, song-and-dance glory.
For her, a bright light is shining down and illuminating all of the things she yearns to touch, smell, see, taste and explore. The world is her oyster and she’s got her clam-diggin’ boots on, determined to find and polish every pearl she can get her increasingly dexterous fingers on.
For me, there is light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve found myself in for the past couple years. I am so close to the edge I can almost see the ground beneath the drop-off point. The funny thing is, I’ve been looking forward to this — no, begging for this — for so long that I couldn’t actually fathom the time actually coming. And now that it’s fast approaching and I am clambering out of the end, all I want to do is crawl back inside to that tiny tot back at the beginning and hold her close to me; smell her baby smell and hear her baby words and see her baby steps.
My whirling dirvish, I never meant to wish the wind out of your sails. I know your fiercely independent, fighting spirit will serve you well in life, as it has mine. You have a fantastic personality and are a character of fascinating, epic proportions.
But if you ever find yourself in a tunnel of darkness from which you can’t seem to find your way out, remember that I’m there behind you (fumbling, perhaps, but there) every step of the way… and I won’t stop nudging you forward until you’ve seen the light at the end, just as you did for me.
- Antics of The Noble Child , Parenting 101 , Squish Squish
- Comments(20)
Beautiful beautiful beautiful.
I love this, and it resonates with me more than you can know.
I’m in the tunnel. Deep and dark and I’m a long way off the glimmer of light at the end. I’ve found motherhood intensely hard, challenging, uncompromising. Many, many times have I been that crumpled heap upon the floor. And it’s getting harder. For all the reason’s you describe. My own little whirling dirvish is testing me in ways I never knew I could be tested, pushing buttons and hitting nerves I never knew I had. And we are only just taking our first steps into toddlerhood – quite literally with literal first steps just yesterday! I have a very long way to go…
Thank you for reminding me to stop. To savour. And reminding me that these precious times curled up in the darkness holding on to dear life to the boy I so desperately wish I knew how to mother, are one day going to be some of the most precious of my life.
Thank you.
I understand completely and know it is not easy to hear someone tell you that time will help. But it does and you are about to enter a wonderfully different stage in your beautiful child’s life. There will still be some moments that make you want to scream but they will be far fewer. She is so much like you were. The structure and social aspect of preschool and classes is exactly what she needs. And with TNB coming into his own busy stage getting into things you will find it a little bit easier with an older sibling to help entertain him, though I expect he will be a little easier because of his laid back personality and your experience with that stage of a child’s development. Your kids are wonderful and they both adore you.
Oh, man! Can I just say… LOOK at your daughter!!! How did that happen?!? In my mind, she still looks like the last photo I’ve seen of her, which is much much younger and — obviously — she is doing the same thing my kids keep doing and growing up! Ha!
But… now… I have to tell you… and I am so so sorry to tell you this, but… I thought 2-and-newborn was tough (anything is tough with a newborn, eh?), and then I thought 3-and-1 was tough, but nothing is like 4-and-2. Nothing. They are now both fully mobile, fully destructive, they run in different directions, and they egg each other on. It’s exhausting. Prepare yourself.
Sorry! *cringes and bites lip*
She is so precious, thanks for sharing the picture!
I read the posts you linked to, and I have to say I think your sunglasses strategy was fearless, and I’m sure it made a great impression. And yes, the anger. It is scary how angry we can become around our kids. I sink into parenting books and wine. Usually together.
I miss my own tiny girl too, though I love so dearly my contrary preschooler. Her face in sleep still looks just like it did in the dyas after she was born. I can see the tiny baby in there. I wonder how long that will last. I hope forever.
Strawberry, I’ll have 4 and 2 come february. Thanks for the warning! Guess I’ll have some good blog material!
That’s a lovely picture and a beautiful, honest, heartfelt post that resonates with me on many levels. The anger especially struck home – I’m wrestling with that with our 5yo boy who’s also a real handful. But I can see the same in our nearly two year old girl. Anyway – I hope you store that up. One day she’ll read and that understand a little. And another day, she might even find it useful in her own right!
A beautiful daughter and a beautiful, heartfelt post. I admire your honesty, and yes, I’ve been there too. My girls are older now (they turn 10 and 13 next month) and *whispers* things are slightly easier to deal with. Touch wood. Although I think the light at the end of our tunnel might be a train coming: The Teenage Years. Pray for me.
Oh brother, I know exactly where you’re coming from.
We’re at exactly the same end of the tunnel with my 4 year old daughter.
I’ve done the crying, the blaming myself, the tearing my hair out, the having to leave the room to go take my anger out on a pillow.
But do you know what? The thing that got me through it all was knowing that this spirited, feisty, independent little miss is most likely going to grow up into a spirited, feisty, independent young woman and that fills me with joy.
It’s nice to come out at the other end and find out that you’re a normal human being after all, but that you survived under not so normal circumstances. It really does get better as they become older and more reasonable and you do get your sanity back. The fun is about to begin now. Enjoy yourself.
(I started writing a long comment and it morphed into a blog post of my own… )
Our kids are 9 and nearly 12, and are by far the oldest children in our circle of friends and in my family; everyone else I know has toddlers and babies or a couple of 6 year olds. My husband and I keep pinching ourselves about how fortunate we feel to be past some of those more difficult years. What we are enjoying most about our ‘big kids’ is their independence. They can do so much for themselves! I would never want to wish their childhood away but it is so lovely to go away for a weekend with your kids and know that they can pack their own bags, bring along some books or games to amuse themselves with, get their own breakfast from the buffet, go to sleep and not get up again until the morning, brush their own teeth, tie their own shoes, wipe their own bottoms… Yes, there are some bigger things to worry about now (small children, small worries, big children, bigger worries…) but the day to day adventure of parenting gets much easier, in a practical sense, as they get older.
@Josie – You have my empathy and support, my dear. You’ve obviously got a similarly-spirited little boy and I know how emotionally draining and tiresome it can be. Do try to savour the good times if you can, the times he makes you smile or laugh or cry tears of joy. It will help you through the times when all yo want to do is chuck him through a window.
@Lyn – I know you’re right. Thanks, Mom.
@Strawberry – Yes, funny that, the growing up thing. It really sneaks up on you! As for 4 and 2 being harder, well, I’m sure you’re right. I’m just going to savour this moment, this short period of time, though, before I fret about the next difficult bit.
@geekymummy – Parenting books and wine *and* bath for me. Somehow the combination of the three makes me feel like I can cope again the next day. Sometimes I don’t even bother with the parenting book and just concentrate on getting my head back to a non-spinning state becuse that’s all I have the energy for.
@Dad Who Writes – Thank you.
@notSupermum – Oh dear, The Teenage Years. I think we all fear that just as much as The Toddler Years. They are both equally terrifying. Good luck! Perhaps you should buy some stock in your favourite alcoholic beverage?
@Tara – What a beautiful way to put it, I totally agree. That’s what gets me through too. Also, knowing I was just the same as a child and my mother didn’t end up in a mental health facility (though it was close, I think). It gives me hope.
@Irene – Thank you, that’s comforting. I just have to hope that my son is a bit easier when he becomes a toddler!
What a beautiful post, it’s such a mix of emotions when you realise they’re growing up. You’re proud of the personality they’ve become but you do miss those cuddly, baby days too. I’m still in the tunnel with my 3 year old (4 next month). Although he’s very grown up in many ways, he still has dreadful tantrums which I’m sure he should be growing out of by now and it worries me (thanks for your kind comment on my meltdown day last week btw!). In some ways it’s nice with your second child because you know what it’s like as they grow up and you learn to savour each moment more (even the bad ones!), knowing it’s all temporary. Lovely photo!
What a beautifully written interesting post. I cannot imagine what looking after a toddler is like, although I will know soon enough. It was interesting to follow the links and read the other posts as well. She sounds like a wonderful child.
I hear you- oh, I hear you! I am finding the toddler stage incredibly difficult as well. My girl is almost three so we’re smack dab in the middle of it. I feel that same mix of emotions as she grows up- on the one hand I will miss my cuddly baby but on the other hand I see that light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes I just want to steam full speed ahead and taste that freedom.
I think having her in daycare three days a week helps a ton, yet a lot of the time I can’t even handle her four days of the week!
What a beautifully written interesting post. I cannot imagine what looking after a toddler is like, although I will know soon enough. It was interesting to follow the links and read the other posts as well. She sounds like a wonderful child.
I’m right in the middle of the terrible toddling years. And what I find most distressing is that as the older boy moves into the preschool years the younger will be coming into the toddler years. I’m having a hard time coping with that right now. And like you, I find some of it just incredible and joyful and fantastic. And I find some of it just sucks. And lately the suck has seemed to predominate.
@Whistlejacket – Yes, I can already sense that I will be more patient with my son’s toddler years and maybe not find them so fraught. The second time around is just so much easier in almost every way!
@Kelly – Thank you, she is pretty wonderful.
@Chloe – Oh my goodness, I can’t believe your little ‘un is almost three! For some reason I was thinking she was barely two. Time flies…
@A Free Man – There are definitely big moments of ‘suck’, you’re right. I’m sorry you’re in the middle of it right now, I hope the good outweights the suckiness soon. And don’t you dare think about the toddler years with your second yet, it’s much too soon for those worries!
A frightening post to read when you are staring at toddlerhood from the other end, but I appreciate your honesty. My 13 month old is already challenging me with her little tantrums – who knows what the next couple of years hold for us.
Well done you for getting through it – I have two girls – the first was a breeze the 2nd more ‘challenging’ nearly there now, but I also know I don’t want to miss a moment how ever much it kills me at the time.
Love their spirit, it’s hard now, but boy these will be the women that change the world. Love the light.
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Lovely read, NS.