Mother-to-mother (in-law)
NS October 1st, 2009
I am a lucky woman in that I get along fabulously with my mother-in-law. Our relationship wasn’t always so effortless or, dare I say, close as it is now (we had a few minor snits in the beginning of mine and TNH’s marriage) but 98% of the time we get on really well. The other two percent of the time just means that I really do consider her family. After all, everyone gets slightly annoyed with people they love occasionally!
Every Thursday I bring The Noble Child here to her house (from where I’m writing this) so they can spend the day together and so I only have one child to look after. Sometimes I leave and go do other things, sometimes I stick around for coffee and a chat and end up staying here all day, happy to just have some company and a hand in looking after both the kids. We talk about them as only a parent or grandparent could (“He did the cutest thing the other day. Watch!” *cue endless attempts to get a repeat performance*; “I got her to eat broccoli the other day, it was amazing!”) and ask for each other’s opinions on the day’s news as I flick through the papers. She’ll ask me a question about my childhood and I hers. We find out things about one another that you only find out by just hanging out in a low-key, informal setting. It’s lovely, definitely, but it makes me incredibly sad sometimes as well.
I want to do this with MY mother. Sometimes I want her to be the one to come rescue us when we’re all sick and can’t get out of bed, or have us over for Sunday lunch. I would give anything to be able to just pop in for a coffee and look on admiringly and contentedly as the children play, chatting and sharing and scheduling family events. Every Christmas, birthday, summer party or milestone achievement finds me taking pictures frantically, trying to capture for my parents what TNH’s have just seen with their own eyes.
The guilt and the sadness can be overwhelming sometimes.
And even though I comfort myself by thinking about a possible future move to be closer to my family, I’m then reminded that my inlaws will be put in my parents’ position and how difficult it would be for all of us to leave them behind. They’re our family, too.
I will always be pulled in two different directions by the two nationalities in my family, my two homes. I knew that upon becoming an expat. But I didn’t realise how much harder it would get after having children.
I can’t dwell on these thoughts though, I just can’t. My heart won’t allow it.
So I pour another coffee and smile at my mother-in-law’s comment on how tall TNC is getting and remind myself to count the blessings in my life, not the hardships.
- Expat Life , Family
- Comments(11)
Oh gosh, oh gosh, you put this so well, and now I’m sad too.
I love sharing my kids with their grandparents. They haven’t seen either set for over a year now. We phone, and we skype, but I miss terribly the kind of days you describe. We never lived near enough for those days to be all that frequent, but we visited or they came to stay for a week-end every few weeks. It is so enriching in a child’s life, to have that kind of close relationship with an adult other than a parent.
Counting blessings is a good approach. It makes me sad when I hear of people living near their relatives, but not getting on with them. What a waste, I think.
I was in the same position as you as a mother and now find myself in that position as a grandmother. The distance is difficult and you really do miss out on a lot of things, but somehow you make it work. You try not to have pity on yourself and rejoice instead in all the good news. Every picture and every sign of life is more than welcome. That’s how you get to be part of it. The main things you want to know as a mother and a grandmother are, are they happy and well, and as long as they are, all is well with the world.
Way to go, I have a fabulous MIL, love her to bits, and it makes the distance to my own family so much easier to bear. It’s so hard sometimes, and your post really touched a nerve with me too, as my mum never had the chance to see her amazing granddaughter.
As much as I wish that we could see each other in person regularly, it is what it is. It is so comforting to me to know your in-laws are so gracious and would do anything to help out. Not everyone has that kind of relationship with their in-laws. So yes, do keep counting your blessings as you were taught to do all your life by your own grandfather. And we will have our coffee together over the web this weekend. Love to all of you.
God, I know. I could have written this post. Word for word. The guilt and the sadness. I know how much my parents would like to have the time with my two that my MIL does. And it hurts. But that’s part of the package and someone is always going to be left out in the cold.
Damn. This makes me sad.
At least my parents are coming over this year. For three weeks. Got to make the best of it.
i’ll be the selfish one to say it – move back!!! we can have coffee all the time!!
i am glad that your in-laws are really wonderful people. i know it really helps for you to be near them when you can be near all of us here in the states.
I get on with my in laws but we’re nowhere near as close to them as we are to my parents and family. Probably because they live down the road but also because I’m very close with my family. If you have someone to help you with the kids and have a coffee and chat then hold onto that. Just having a bit of support from anyone is a godsend as a mother. x
I’ve always got on very well with my now ex-MIL, and even 6 years after I divorced her son we still get on very well. She’s a fabulous grandma to my two daughters and is a life-saver for me when it comes to last minute childcare and looking after them when they’re sick so I can still go to work.
It has become a more poignant relationship too, since the death of my own wonderful Mum two and a half years ago.
My MIL lives around the corner and since I started my maternity leave we have been developing a proper relationship. Having a child makes me miss my family so much more, although I never thought that would be possible. They only live 300 miles away, but we have not yet been down to see them (although we have a trip planned). Sometimes though I wish my MIL would think about it a bit though – when my Dad came to meet his grandson for the first time he remarked to her that it must be so nice having us just around the corner, to which she replied that she didn’t see Piran that often. Which, when she sees him at least twice every week and is watching him grow and change and my parents have only met him once so far was bloody tactless to say the least and upset me for days. I wouldn’t say anything to her though, she is a bit scary at times!
I think you’re so lucky! We basically have no access to grandparents through a variety of circumstances and we know it’s a void in dudelet’s life. Treasure the fact that you not only get on with them but that they actually want to be involved…
It’s sad for me to hear that it gets worse. I somehow think having kids will make me feel better away sometimes. I know that’s wrong. I know I’ll struggle with these same things when we have kids. And there’s just no way around it.