Regrets, I’ve had a few
NS September 24th, 2009
I’m not one for dwelling on what might have been, but I do have a few regrets. They’re mostly small things that probably don’t matter too much in the grand scheme of things but I still wonder sometimes. What if…?
- Not doing better in high school – I was certainly intelligent and capable enough to have been in the top 10% of my class so why did I end up only in the top 25% and miss all of the scholarships, grants, etc..? Because I couldn’t be bothered to do the homework and ass-kissing that is required. I’ve always done splendidly at the big tests but couldn’t face the daily grind of homework sheets, quizzes and so on, dragging my overall grade down in the process. My teachers often wrote in my report cards: “Not living up to her full potential.” They knew what I was too arrogant and young to realize
- Never living on my own before getting married – I know that some people hate living on their own and I don’t know for certain how I would like it since I’ve never done it but I’d like to have done it before I settled down with one man to have children. I never experienced that ‘single career gal in the city’ lifestyle, not even for a little while, and I wish I had
- Spending so much money on our wedding — It wasn’t a ridiculous sum of money, just about at the national average at the time, but it was still more than we should’ve spent. I admit, I got a bit carried away with the idea of having a big party. The ‘girly/romantic’ bits didn’t interest me that much, but the band, and the food and the swanky venue? I had so much fun planning that! A little too much, I guess. I wish now that we’d have scaled things way back and used some of the money my parents gave us to pay off debts and student loans, or put towards a down payment for a house. I don’t regret the actual wedding (not at all, it was a blast!) but if I could go back in time I’d cut my budget in half and slap myself silly for spending so much money on silly things like centerpieces and flowers
- Changing my name — I actually didn’t take The Noble Husband’s name upon marrying him and was perfectly happy with that decision. However, six years later, when I found myself heavily pregnant with our first child and fretting about how complicated it would be to have a different name to my husband and child, I went ahead and did it. Besides the social and bureaucratic reasons, it also just felt a little unfair, emotionally, to do all the hard work of carrying and bearing a child and then feel detached from it on every little piece of paper I fill out and in every social situation for the rest of our lives. TNH had no problem with me not changing my name but he didn’t want to combine his name with mine or create a new one. Growing up, he had a double-barreled name, which he hated, and had changed his name to only one of them. So going back to two wasn’t an option for him. Instead of coming up with another solution or standing my ground, I just changed my name. I really like my husband’s surname and I don’t feel like I became his property or lost my old identity somehow but I do think it’s unfair that I won’t share my original surname with my children simply because I am their mother and my name is not deemed as important
- Not establishing healthier eating and exercise habits — I had the opportunity to decide how I was going to manage my diet and physical activity upon leaving home and went the lazy route. Now I find it a real struggle to get out of a lifetime of bad habits. I’m slowly trying to rebuild them but it feels like a constant battle. And it’s not about appearance or thinness or anything like that. It’s just about giving my body what it needs to feel good and knowing that I’m letting it (and ultimately, my health) down
- Not learning a second language — It gets harder as you get older and I just don’t have that natural knack for languages, like some do. I get embarrassed too easily when I get things wrong, especially things that I think will make me look ‘uncultured’ or ‘unworldly’ and so I’m afraid to open my mouth around native speakers or those who are fluent. I took three years of Spanish in college, I should be fairly decent at speaking and understanding it but I’m pretty crap, really. I can read it fairly well and write it okay but my person-to-person comprehension and conversational skills are poor. I keep vowing to dive back into it but I know that, realistically, it won’t happen until both kids are at school. It requires dedication and time that I just don’t have right now. Hopefully someday…
Geez, reading back over those you’d think I was regretting getting married! I assure you (and you, TNH!) that that’s not the case. The fact is, though, that I got married very young (20) and so there are certain aspects of life that I simply didn’t experience. On the other hand, I don’t feel that I “missed out” because TNH and I were married for several years before we began having children and we had a rollicking good time during those years. That’s one thing I’ve had zero regrets about — my relationship with him. I know I can’t see into the future but I’m fairly certain he and I are going to last.
What about you, what are your biggest regrets?
- Banal Breakdown , That's Life , Til Death Do Us Part
- Comments(19)
I’ve lived alone and in shared houses and loved it. I dont blame you for regretting that. We’ve made sure we’re not going OTT for our wedding next year for the exact reasons you have stated. Only 50 guests for the whole day and night which helps….
My regret is probably not going straight to Uni after college. I think I would ahve enjoyed that lifestyle. But then I think, I have a degree now, and as my old employers paid for it have no student debt. So silver linings I guess…
I also regret staying with someone for ten years, then leaving, when really and honestly we both knew it was game over after about seven years. I dont regret the relationship, just that we let ourselves bdcome like brother and sister.
I often regret hyphenating my name. Husband and I both did it, so we both have each other’s last names, and our kids have both last names as well. Problem with this is that NOBODY gets it. Our hyphenated name is soooooooo long that it NEVER fits in forms, it’s a total PITA to spell to people, and people just end up dropping one or the other anyway.
There was no easy solution. I wanted to keep my name, but I wanted us all to have the same name, so this was the only option. But dammit if I don’t wish my stupid feminist ideals were absent on that day. There’s no changing it back now either. In the states you only get two chances to change your name – marriage, or divorce. That’s it (outside a lengthy and expensive legal process.)
That’s my big one.
I also wish the husband and I had more time together before we had our first son, but I do NOT regret keeping him, so that one’s kind of a wash.
See, I regret that Mr Cartside and I had only little time as a couple without children. We met “late” in life and at a time when we were both in part-time employment/unemployed/students so we couldn’t afford a lot of travel (though we did what we could). Still, wouldn’t do a thing differently!
I changed my name for the same reasons (and I also really like Mr Cartside’s name) and was furious that there are so many charges for getting all the new documents. Grrr.
I regret not travelling more when I was young, free and single, and had spare cash.
Wow. When I think about it I don’t have many. I regret not going to university I guess. And pursuing my drama/acting interests a little more seriously. I regret not learning to play an instrument, because I have always fancied being able to whip out a guitar on a beach at sunset around a camp fire and strum a few tunes. Agree with you on the languages front too – should have stuck with French and German, which I was quite good at. Now I can’t remember anything more than the absolute basics on a good day (and my pronunciation of any foreign language is enough to make a native weep it’s so dire).
I did well at school. I did live on my own a few times before getting married – and cohabited a couple of times too. I had the most fantastic original wedding on a shoestring. I kept my own name, even when the debate was raised by all and sundry AGAIN when we had kids and I am glad that I stuck to my guns because it really isn’t such an issue as we thought it would be (well…particularly now we are separated! But even before that too).
Great post. Really got me thinking. And realising that there isn’t much that I would do that differently a second time round is quite a reassuring thought about where I am today.
More than anything, I regret not buckling down at university and 1) not choosing a better (better-fit) major, 2) not working harder, and 3) bottling it when it came to the majors that scared me but that I really wanted to do.
And yet, the rub is that I know I’d still do it exactly the same way if I had it to do over now, even as I didn’t want to. Leopards… spots…
I regret not completing university when I was younger, right out of high school. I was in college for a few semesters and then dropped out. These days, I’m a “mature student” (God I hate that label!) and doing better academically now that it’s my own money and I have more motivation. But it certainly sucks big time.
At my age, I should be working towards my PhD, not my BA!!
I am a strong believer that the path you take in life goes towards making you the person that you are today.
If your life had taken a different path you might not be the person you are now.
My one regret is that I didn’t have my children sooner so my grandmother could have met them. I adored my grandmother and it would have illuminated her life had she known her grandchildren.
But I wasn’t ready and so if I had started a family earlier I might not be as comfortable in the skin I’m in now.
I also regret eating so much food when I was pregnant the second time around but you live and learn hey!
Interesting question and one I’ve often asked myself. I’m largely with Tara on this one – I don’t want to be other than the person I am now (though I do want to deal with that person a bit more productively) so most of my regrets are relatively trivial, immature ones.
There are a few major ones, though – I wish I’d been able to really talk to my father before his death. At the same time, he’d have had to have been a different person. That’s the problem with regrets – too many “if only’s” depend on changing so many things besides your own actions. There was a quote from Marx in today’s Times Higher Ed which seems gloomily relevant:
“Men make their own history, but they do not make it as they please; they do not make it under self-selected circumstances, but under circumstances existing already, given and transmitted from the past. The tradition of all dead generations weighs like a nightmare on the brains of the living.”
(On the other hand, I really wish I’d let myself get pulled by that girl in a bar in a north German city twenty years ago after the last grim gig by my dreadful band. What was i thinking?)
@Claire – See, you’re being very sensible with the small wedding. Ours wasn’t huge by any means, I think there were about 80-90 people there but it was still too much. That said, it really was a fantastic party and we enjoyed every minute of it. So the regret is really that throwing fab parties is so pricey!
@TFB – That’s interesting about the names and how you find it to be a pain. That’s exactly what my husband said about growing up with two names and why he didn’t want to do it again, or saddle our kids with two names. My thinking is that if more people did it it wouldn’t be so unusual and ppl would stop thinking it was so unusual. But it’s hard to be the pioneers, I know.
@cartside – It is a pain in the behind. One of my bank accounts’ online user names is STILL in my maiden name, even though the name on my debit card is my married name. I can’t be bothered to go through the red tape to change it. If they dont’ care, I sure as hell don’t!
@Iota – Yep, that’s a common one. I know my parents feel the same. However, because they had children at a relatively young age, they are still young enough to travel and enjoy themselves (and have more money with which to do it!). But it’s different to travel when you’re young, I’m sure.
@nicola – I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who harbours a secret desire to be able to whip out a guitar and entertain the masses on a whim. At the moment my guitar is harbouring nothing but dust and delusions of grandeur in my loft…
@Strawberry – That’s the really annoying bit, isn’t it? I probably wouldn’t be bothered to study for every little quiz in HS even if I were to go back now and knew that perfect scores meant a scholarship to my dream university. Laziness and apathy are hard to cure!
@Tabitha – I hear ya, sort of. I did 3 semesters and then took a couple years off before returning to finish my degree so I was considered a ‘mature student’ too, though I was only a few years older than even the youngest students. It still felt like a big difference though, between 18-year-olds fresh out of high school, and me at 22, having already lived abroad and worked in an office for two years, etc.. Good luck with your degree!
@Tara – I believe in that too. I just like to wonder what life might’ve been like if I’d done a few things differently, or better. As for eating in pregnancy…well, it’s got to be done, really.
@Dad Who Writes – Ooh, playing in a dreadful band in a German bar. Do tell more, that sounds intriguing!
i think everyone has regrets or things they would have done differently. my biggest, hugest regret was dating the guy i did through college. what a waste of my most eligible dating years! after college it just gets more difficult to meet people and i really wish i wouldn’t have wasted all of that time on him and our really awful relationship.
i also regret never studying abroad while in college. looking back, i wish i would have taken advantage of that opportunity but i was too wrapped up in my little life on campus to go far away.
i will be living on my own after this lease is up, enjoying the “single career gal in the city” life, going back to school for my masters and taking advantage of having few responsibilities (i.e. no hubby, pets, or kids) by spending time traveling and doing new things (well, as much as free time and money allow!).
i agree with you also on the language thing. i am determined to learn spanish on my own and am using a great site to do so! you should check it out: http://www.livemocha.com/
It’s fun thinking about this stuff. I’m with you on the money spent on my wedding, learning a second language and the better lifestyle habits, and that’s really about it. And I’m not even really sure that I regret those things, per se, as much as I think I could have made better decisions (is there a difference?? I kinda think so).
The good thing, though, is that all three can be paid forward in a way. I can tell everyone I know to keep it low-key for their wedding and I can also steer my children in that direction. The second language is always a possibility as is the lifestyle change; I’m not dead, yet, so they’re still on the table.
The only other regret I have I wrote about a while back. But I’ve since worked that out of my system.
I would have to say that my biggest, most painful regret is how I was so obsessed with giving the most meticulous attention and care to your little sister when she was sick that it came close to driving a permanent wedge between me and your father. Thankfully, he is an ever-patient, caring man and knew me better than I knew myself at that time. And our marriage is stronger than ever as a result of everything we have been through together. But it still makes me sad to think of how I treated him with disregard when he was as vulnerable and heartbroken as I was as we struggled to keep her comfortable.
On a lighter note, I am trying to address some of my regrets by working on my “bucket list” of sorts. And never again will I devote so much time to a job as I did during much of your school years. Otherwise, it serves no purpose to look back with regret if nothing is to come of it. I say, let it be and move forward. Enjoy each moment for what it is.
I regret not going to college, but it really wasn’t an option for me in the day. But on the other hand, I wonder how my life would be if I had. Would R an I be together (we have been married 30 years now), would I have moved away from my home town for good, would I have missed out on being with family through good times and bad. These are a few things that one ponders.
I regret not saving more money over all these years. Yeah we have had some great times, but should have tucked even a little away each year, because it does add up.
I regret that I still smoke-what a terrible habit and a waste of money, not to mention the health risks.
But I guess overall, to only have 2-3 regrets so far in my lifetime is not bad. I keep myself aware of how time flies and try to make sure I don’t have any more of them.
I want to visit Wyoming though, I think that would be my one big regret someday if I didn’t get there.
Food for thought:
Maybe a husband and wife should just pick a brand new last name for themselves as they start their new life together.
Maybe you and A should start writing short emails to each other in a different language as you start to learn it, might be fun figuring out what each other is saying and figuring out the foreign words to express your message.
Wow, you married at 20!. You must have had great confidence and force of mind to know that you had found the right guy, admirable. I have a good friend who did the same, and I confess we though she was insane at the time (she is still happily married with three kids now, I must add).
I don’t have many regrets. I have said some hurtful things I wish I could take back, and I treated some good men very badly, but everyone survived and lived to tell the tale. I hope that things stay that way. I will probably regret not spending more time with my parents back in the UK, but will never regret choosing to live here in San Francisco.
Our wedding was pricey, but fabulous. I should regret the spendiness, but don’t. I think maybe I have just blocked the money part out and kept the memories, a strategy I would recommend!
I still have my own last name (Marrying at 34 I was kind of used to it!), and it isn’t a problem at all so far, but I can see the reasons why it is a good idea. It is a tricky one for the dedicated feminist, but the choice is yours. If you like you husbands last name better, then that is plenty good reason to take it.
This isn’t meant to be smug or glib, but I don’t really do regret. Everything I’ve done – good and bad – has served to make me who I am today and I’m pretty fond of where I am today.
came here just to say exactly what A Free Man did. not a thing – b/c i wouldn’t be who i am otherwise.
if there’s one niggle? that i haven’t got to grad school yet. but given the choice between travelling and grad school, i’d pick travelling every time.
@andrea – I regret you dating that guy, too.
@Jessica – That’s a positive way to frame it, thanks!
@Lyn – Most couples who lose a child don’t end up staying together so the fact that you guys did says something about how strong your marriage is. I’m certainly glad you were able to find a way to be there for each other instead of grieving separately.
@the bad aunt – Both of those are great ideas!
@Geekymummy – I like the attitude to the wedding: block out the spending and remember the fun! I will employ that strategy from now on.
@A Free Man – I don’t think I would actually change anything either, for the reasons you mentioned, but these are the things that I wonder about most often when trying to imagine how different choices could’ve affected my life.
@jen – Travel over grad school is a good choice, I think. I’d like to do both some day!