An apology to my present self from the former
NS July 31st, 2009
In reading this post at J. Lucy Muses about how she reacted when her toddler son ran away from her in the public library, I saw myself. Been there, done that, I thought. Hell, still doing it, on a regular basis. I’ve been that irate and embarrassed mother who couldn’t “control” her child, getting sneers of disapproval from onlookers.
I’ve also been that shithead onlooker, though. There was a period of a few years, before I had kids (obviously), where I was one of those people who thought “Ugh, how rude! I cannot BELIEVE that this person is letting their filthy brat run around screaming. What a monster! Kids should not be allowed in here, they should be at a playground or at home or in school and that’s it. Good day and good riddance!”
When I waited tables I dreaded getting families with small children because I knew that they’d make a huge mess, the parents would expect me to fawn over their offspring, they wouldn’t drink (racking up a big bar bill is important for good tips) and would probably leave me a bunch of coins and some french fries as a tip. I wasn’t rude to them or anything, I always provided service with a smile (Jesus, I hated that job) but if one of them stepped one toe out of line…that was it, I was finished. I had no patience for kids, especially ones I thought were being “bad.”
If I could go back in a time machine and kick the everliving shit out of myself for being such an ignorant, insensitive, uncaring, arrogant JERK, I would use the brass knuckles on myself until I looked like Shane MacGowan after a night on the tiles. I would apologise to all the mothers whom I shot dirty looks at, all the fathers I rolled my eyes at when they beamed with pride at some inane thing their brat-beast had just said or done, all of the under-the-breath muttered comments when a child so much as talked in a coffee shop. I would take a good, hard look at myself and realise that the reason I was so het up about kids is because I felt conflicted about them. I rejected the idea of modern, stifling, hovering, advertised, groomed and perfected parenting with every fibre of my being. I knew that if I became like THEM, those pod parents, I would shrivel up and die and be a mere shell of my former self.
Yet, I knew I wanted them. This made my angry. I didn’t want to become a pod person, with a pod beast!
I had no idea there was any other way to parent. I didn’t know I could still go out and have a good time, that I could still drink some wine while pregnant and breastfeeding, that I wouldn’t lose the ability to speak in sentences without using baby talk, that I didn’t have to start calling my partner ‘Daddy’ even when the kids weren’t around.
I didn’t know that I didn’t have to be a complete douchebag to be a parent. I also didn’t realise just how hard it is. “Controlling” a child is a completely laughable and utterly stupid expression. I should no more assume I can control my child than I can control my husband, or him me. Children are people, fully fledged human beings with feelings, thoughts and impulses and they are LEARNING. They are learning and exploring and testing and growing and we should be there just to make sure they don’t kill themselves or someone else in the process. When’s the last time mass chaos, murder and mayhem erupted from an incidence of running in a library for three minutes? Where is the erosion of society’s moral fabric in something so demonic as singing loudly in a grocery store? Isn’t it silly, all these expecations and pressure we place not only on parents to control but on children, to be controllable?
So, Former Self, get off your high-horse, you impetuous, stupid, arrogant girl. And next time you see a kid running in public, his mother charging around behind trying to “control” the situation while you stare and tut, give yourself a punch in the face and then get up off your imperious ass and go give her a hand. At the very least, stick a leg out so the kid trips and she can catch him.
Hey, it takes a village, right?
- Funny Ha-Ha , I Bitch Therefore I Am , Miscellaneous Missives , Parenting 101
- Comments(14)
Well said! You have written those feelings that are so hard to express very well. I think we have probably all done that at one time or another in our lives pre-children.
I often think of the way that I used to behave and feel more than a little bit silly. It’s sort of ridiculous the way that we view children as Colossal Inconveniences who should be kept out of society, but we put up with rather badly behaved adults and don’t blink. At least, not in the same way.
I really wish that we lived in a more child-friendly society. In the meantime, when a sweet young thing rolls her eyes or huffs at my kids I just know her day will come. Just as mine did, her day will come.
Yes, the judging we did and the judgment we receive now. All I know is that smugness comes before a fall – just last night, I was at an event with all three kids and was taking credit and being smug for my four-year-old’s wonderful behaviour. Then he fell and cut open his hand on glass and later got lost during hide-and-seek, prompting a giant child-hunt. Being smug doesn’t pay.
“Controlling” a child is a completely laughable and utterly stupid expression. I should no more assume I can control my child than I can control my husband, or him me. Children are people, fully fledged human beings with feelings, thoughts and impulses and they are LEARNING. They are learning and exploring and testing and growing and we should be there just to make sure they don’t kill themselves or someone else in the process. When’s the last time mass chaos, murder and mayhem erupted from an incidence of running in a library for three minutes? Where is the erosion of society’s moral fabric in something so demonic as singing loudly in a grocery store? Isn’t it silly, all these expecations and pressure we place not only on parents to control but on children, to be controllable?
Yes! Yes yes yes! I was fairly young when I fell pregnant with Orion (just before my 19th birthday) so thankfully my ‘younger adult self’ was a mother, but I’m sure I was guilty of this sort of crap before that. You’ve reminded me of Ruth’s posts about children’s rights and alloparenting.
I worry about this a lot when I think of having kids, mostly because here in Spain I find the parents to be
much more controlling than in the U.S. Oh, those kinds of looks still happen, but here I´m just amazed. We
went to visit my niece (from my husband´s side) when she turned one and my brother in law and her wife don´t seem to ever let the baby crawl because they think the floor is too dirty (which looks like it´s about ten times cleaner than mine when
mine are freshly mopped), or she might get in to things. When we took the girl to see her grandparents they wouldn´t let her nobody let her touch ANYTHING, whenever she did anything – touch the curtains, want to touch the plants, whatever,
they said, “No, that´s caca. Touching that is caca.” It seemed that touching anything at all in the house
was caca, and of course there was no crawling going on there either, my mother in law said “the baby can´t
crawl here because we have a dog” WTF??? Then, when everyone came over for the birthday party (25
people), not a single person besides me brought her a toy, so, you know, she could learn and develop. They all brought her Tommy Hilfiger clothes and Baby Pradaand they ooohed and aaaahed and actually SHOWED HER THE GIFTS, and I was just totally puzzled. I´m almost positive this would be different if it were a boy child.
I guess my comment has gotten a little off topic, but I don´t want to control my children so much when
I have them, nor do I want to dress them up and put them on display so the world sees how classy we are
and how under control my kids are. I know I´m going to be met with cultural resistance and it worries me a little.
I don´t know what the hell happened to my comment, sorry.
Another spot on post NS. I was also one of those peple guilty of judging/sighing/tuting at other people’s children. Now mine is 15 months and just starting with the public tantrums I am getting a taste of the other side. I think I realised how much things had changed when a few weeks ago a couple was seated next to us in a (family and in the day time) pub and after about five minutes of monkey fussing they moved. I felt partly embarassed and partly indignant. I suspect there’s a lot more of that to come…
I think you’re so so right. Why on earth do we expect children to behave like adults? How can a child learn to behave appropriately without behaving inappropriately and learning that it is inappropriate? How can they learn that having a tantrum doesn’t get you what you want, until they have tried it and found out?
The most helpful thought that I’ve been given re bringing up kids (I came across it a couple of years ago, my oldest is 12, could have done with it earlier on…) is the idea that a child is a package to unwrap and discover, not a lump of playdough to mold and shape. I found that very liberating. I find it easier to be a nurturer, providing the seed with the best soil, light, water, and the odd bit of pruning, than a frustrated sculptor, hacking off bits, kneading and squishing hard clay into lumpy shapes.
But don’t be too hard on your young self. The young waitress sees an hour or two of a process that goes on for many years. How can she understand until she is involved in that process herself?
Thanks for the link, NS!
Oh, I was that arrogant person too. Thought I knew soooo much about parenting and thinking I would NEVER do this or that. Now I put all that pressure on myself because I know that “they” are thinking the same things I used to. But why should I care? I don’t know, I just do…
I LOVE the taking the village comment – tripping him up would have been exactly the help I needed right at that moment.
hahaha SO TRUE. My sister, God love her clueless ass, gives me shit whenever I get weepy about being separated from my son. The childless just have NO IDEA what it is to be a parent. And I get that they can live in their head and think out every single rabbit trail of what it might mean to have a child vs. what it’s like to be childless, but it’s just guesswork and criticism.
I think we were all assholes when we were our Former Selves. I think it gives us the wisdom to know the difference now and be kinder to other parents and trip their escaping children… you know cuz it DOES take a village.
Two things:
1. Like you, I spent so much time in the ‘customer service industry’ that I’m incredibly conscious – probably too much so – when we’re out eating with the sprog. I clean the table better than the busser would. It’s a pet peeve of mine still when parents leave toddler decimated food alll over the place. I mean, you’ve got baby wipes.
2. The calling your partner ‘Mama’ or ‘Papa’ just doesn’t work for me. So we don’t do it. The problem, Zach often goes around the house yelling ‘CHRIS!!!!!!!’
But, I agree with you that with hindsight, I would have been a hell of a lot more patient.
Ooh I think you may have just described me!!
Very well said. Actually, I can relate to your post.
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