Stick to the mall, sweetheart
NS July 27th, 2009
[Warning: This is a vent about some crap said about certain happenings and goings-on at BlogHer, and I wasn't even there. If that pisses you off, or if you're totally uninterested, look away. I'm just a rantin']
Unless you’ve been under a rock (i.e. aren’t on Twitter), you’ll know that this past weekend was the BlogHer conference in Chicago, an annual event where female bloggers (and a few dudes!) from across the globe come together to explore issues relating to that funny little thing we call the blogosphere. People agonised over what to wear, who to room with and which parties to go to. To be honest, I was sick of hearing about BlogHer from the excited participants before it began and I wasn’t even attending! That’s more to do with my curmudgeonliness than anything else, and perhaps a pinch of jealousy, but when one’s Twitter stream is filled up with news of it for days, it can get a bit old.
Anyway, from what I gathered through reading others’ accounts, it’s kind of like a combination sorority function/business luncheon, with everyone broken into “tribes” to network and party with like-minded folks. There are tears, laughs, arguments, drunken escapades, inspiring speeches…and an endless array of free crap from the companies sponsoring it. These freebies are called ‘swag’ and apparently many of those at BlogHer were acting like flesh-eating zombies who don’t mind throwing an elbow or baring teeth to get to their prey…the free shit.
Particularly greedy in their swag-lust were the mommy bloggers, according to attendee Motherhood Uncensored in her post entitled “Not all bloggers are like that.” Many of the commenters agreed with her: mommy blogging has become very ugly indeed, and those who aren’t money-hungry soul-suckers would be best to avoid that label until Respect and Decency are brought back to the mommy blogosphere. They all applauded the introduction of a concept called “Blogging with Integrity” that was heralded at the conference and encouraged one another to embrace it to counteract the crazy swag-snatching whores.
Now, I realise that it must’ve been annoying, even infuriating, to be run over by these bloggers’ lust for more stuff, and that it is frustrating to see blogging turned into one big circle jerk of self-promotion (because I hate it too, I really do), but I get annoyed when I read stuff like this because guess what? Just because we’re all bloggers and mothers doesn’t mean we all operate under the same “rules of engagement” as one commenter suggested, nor do we have the same desires and goals. It certainly doesn’t mean we have to tow the line in deference to some kind of pack mentality that says what each of us does, we all do; what each of us says, we all say. Bullshit! It’s thinking like that that strips away womens’ individuality and makes us all part of some pseudo “team” that we’re each supposed to morally conform to and represent. Just like ‘sluts’ in the 50s and 60s who gave all women everywhere a bad name with their loose ways (ahem) and the feminist career women of the 70s and 80s who were an affront to “regular women” (ha!), bundling us all together and taking individual actions as indicative of an entire gender’s motives is not really progressive, or inclusive of differences among us. We are already constantly pressured to be bastions of morality, warned that if we fall outside of what makes us look good as a whole, our integrity, reputations and self-respect as individuals are at stake; not least of all with other women. It’s very similar to arguments for “female purity” by virginity-preserving crusaders, funnily enough.
One commenter on this post emphasized this by saying: “Your actions reflect on all of us,” in reference to not only the consumer-crazed women but a blogger named Esther who tried to bring her nursing baby into an evening cocktail party thrown by Nikon and then, when she was turned away, vented her frustration on Twitter with a tongue-in-cheek #nikonhatesbabies tag. This was viewed nearly as contemptuously as the gift-grabbers. The entitlement! The gall! The humanity!
Considering the fact that the baby was nursing and Esther was presumably not a Chicagoan with childcare right around the corner, what choice did she have except to go with her baby or miss out? She was remiss in not checking beforehand and says so herself in the comments section, but she figured a babe-in-arms dependent on her for nutrition and unable to run around or destroy anything AT A WOMEN’S EVENT would be okay — it may be poor social etiquette, given our disdain for children in adult spaces (and I do think there are some lines to be drawn, though not nearly as many as currently exist) but is it really so horrifying? And if so, what does that say about how we segregate adults from chlidren and, subsequently, mothers from the general public, particularly those who are breastfeeding? They are particularly affected by these lines in the sand about where is and is not an acceptable place to bring a baby because for them it is not as simple as “Get a babysitter,” the expression always thrown around in these types of conversation.
Class privilege in assuming one can afford and locate an out-of-town babysitter aside, Esther’s only ‘crime’ was thinking she could mix parenting with having fun and networking. From what I’ve read, she was initially (and understandably) disappointed that she didn’t get to go but she wasn’t asking for special treatment, she just made an honest mistake in thinking that her baby would be welcome there. But even though Esther had already expressed misgivings for her mistake and said that she had talked to Nikon and all had been smoothed over, the disparaging comments still came rolling in.
“Some mommy bloggers are so self righteous.”
“[I] cringed every time I read a blog post this weekend where bloggers said about taking children seemingly with no sitter of some sort in tow. It’s a blogger convention, not Sesame Street.”
“It’s pretty shocking that anyone thinks that it is okay to take a baby to a cocktail party.”
“Why would you bring a baby to a loud party, anyway? With alcohol, and candles, and so many people, and loud music and voices, and people smoking? [What sordid things could a baby do with alcohol and candles, pray tell? Unless you're saying mothers can't be trusted to drink responsibily around their children? And it's illegal to smoke indoors in Chicago, so that wouldn't have been an issue at all]Give me a break.”
“A private party is not the mall.”
So breastfeeding women (and anyone who can’t afford or find a babysitter) should just stick to Sesame Street and the mall while the more glamorous ladies with nannies get drunk on daiquiris and congratulate themselves on “thinking ahead” (i.e. being middle class and not being restricted by a nursing infant’s needs or their incomes)? Okay, got it.
And if THAT is what constitutes good “mommy blogging” these days, I want no part of it either.
- Feminist Fury , Human Oddities , I Bitch Therefore I Am , In The News , Lactivism , Miscellaneous Missives , Parenting 101
- Comments(20)
Well said. Honestly, my head is spinning. I plan on attending BlogHer next year, but my agenda is to learn more about this new trade of mine- not party hop or collect swag or exclude women based on arbitrary room occupancy limits or breastfeeding. It’s messy. And a little sad.
Thanks for such a thoughtful post.
I disagree with the comments that are responding negatively to Esther. I personally feel as though the issue is the swaghagging and the folks that jumped all over the Nikon incident calling it an “EPIC FAIL.” THAT behavior is something I don’t want a part of (and was clear about it in my post).
I brought my baby to BlogHer and have done so in the past. And for the most part, all the moms that were there with their babies were completely respectful of others.
@Jessica – I planned on going next year too but now I’m not so sure. I have zero tolerance for petty infighting and rampant materialism when little regard seems to be given for the actual writing involved in blogging. Were there even any segments addressed to becoming better writers, I wonder, rather than how to make more money and attract more visitors?
@Motherhood Uncensored – Thanks for commenting. I 100% agree with you about the swaghagging and those who jumped all over Nikon on Twitter without even knowing all the facts. Both are a result of that pack mentality I was talking about. People often fear thinking for themselves and instead get swept up in whatever everyone else is doing. It’s how riots and dictatorships manage to happen.
You’re also right that most women with babies are respectful of others. I just question some people’s standards of “respectful.”
I just love the attitude that a nursing mother is a social faux pas rather than a woman doing the best job in the world – providing proper nutrition and care for her child. Remember this is the US where babies have recently been poisoned by defective formula – you’d think they’d embrace this woman for her efforts not castigate her
And how much trouble is a small baby, answer not a great deal – surely not something you’d usually check with the organisers about
Perhaps the organisers and the attendees should remove their heads from their rears and remember what ‘Mummy blogging’ was originally about – sharing experiences and helping each other through a difficult journey, not freebies and jaunts and deriding others
Sounds gruesome. I would have hated it. Why do women have to be so bitchy towards other women (but not nearly so much towards men)?
Aah. I wondered what all the fuss was about. As a LobbyCon attendee, I wasn’t allowed in anything during the day so when I walked back into the hotel at 4pm on the 2nd day there was definitely an “atmosphere”.
I was very surprised at the heavy emphasis from some on making your blog make money for you. Made me feel like a complete amateur.
And the thing I never knew until I had babies, is this. It’s not that easy to leave a baby with a complete stranger, no matter how brilliantly qualified that sitter is, no matter how good she is with kids. Babies have clingy phases, toddlers have clingy phases. Some children yell and yell and are inconsolable in a strange place with a strange person.
So don’t just say “get a sitter”, because (a) as you point out, not everyone can afford one, and (b) not all babies are sitter-friendly and that’s not because their parents are bad parents or possessive parents, it’s just because that’s the way it is.
I think it is a bit sad for blogging, that the commercialism has overtaken. But I suppose it was inevitable.
Hey, NS, I’m wanting to email you something. Can’t find an email address for you. Could you email me: IotaManhattan@gmail.com Thanks.
You have seriously got me thinking about writing a post about blogher in general (not the meeting) – I stray far, far away from any “group” blogging (not that blogher would have me anyway!) but it does seem in some ways that blogging has become really ugly, and the whole commercial side of it completely astonishes me. Great post – and I am glad I only use twitter for work purposes!
Great post. I find the whole rules of engagement thing goes alot further than just bitching about BlogHer too. It’s one of my real bugbears the way commenters who disagree respectfully with a blog post can sometimes (often) get attacked just for expressing a different point of view. I’ve seen this happen alot and often the attackers refuse to acknowledge any kind of responsibility for what goes on. It all goes to deter those with a different voice commenting at all because the tribe will be on to them. Personally I don’t want to hear one point of view – that’s why I read blogs. And I think if you put it out there then you should accept the differing points of view as long as they are expressed respectfully. We don’t all speak with one voice and that’s a really important part of blogging so thanks for reminding us. Although I do obviously draw the line at elbowing babies in the head. (See http://www.amalah.com).
I’m not on twitter (no time to get sucked in!), but am aware of the blogHer phenomenom.
I have taken a nursing baby to many swanky bars here in SF and no one has batted an eyelid, I’m rather surprised anyone cared.
I’m reminded of a time I was not allowed to take my babe in sling into the exhibts section of the American Diabetes Association meeting, seeing as it was strictly for over 18′s (since drug companies are there marketing things). I could understand not wanting toddlers or older kids running around stealing the free Viagra pens, but failed to see how my baby could be negatively impacted. And breast feeding prevents diabetes too! (they were at least cool with my nursing her in the hallways of the convention center!)
I find the whole BlogHer thing a bit strange. The idea sounds great, but trying to put all bloggers on one path? To me the whole beauty of blogging was that I can do whatever the hell I want because, well, it’s my blog.
I like the idea of a group all getting together to support one another but from what you describe it sounds like the last place on earth I’d want to be.
All sounds a bit too ‘corporate’ and I escaped that path once . . .
I had BlogHer envy. Having read this, it’s gone. Thanks for helping me get over it, Ms NS.
Would it have hurt to leave the kid home with the father?
@Muddling Along Mummy – I don’t think (for me anyway) it was so much about the fact that she was breastfeeding, but the general disdain for babies and children in public places that aren’t specifically “family friendly” which is pretty much defined as playgrounds, the mall and chain restaurants before 7pm. It also completely disregards that a woman is usually fully capable of parenting and networking/having fun at the same time, especially when it’s a tiny baby who will pretty much just sleep and eat. And yes, a woman who is breastfeeding can’t just leave the baby with someone else so it is about that too.
@Cave Mother – I think women aren’t necessarily ‘bitchy’ but since we’re all subject to judgment and influence by societal expectations, it’s easy to criticise another mother when she does something you wouldn’t do or if you haven’t been in that situation before.
@Expat Mum – I’m sorry the LobbyCon thing ended up being so unsatisfactory for you. And I would’ve been bored by the whole ‘making money’ angle too…I thought it was supposed to be about honing your writing, forming friendships and contacts and a sense of community, not a sales pitch. :-/
@Iota – Well said, and spot on. Not all children can just be “left with sitters.”
@Courtney – I was surprised that BlogHer so strongly promotes advertising and money-making ideas. I am very, very disappointed and won’t be joining it now as a result.
@BoozleBox – Good insights, thank you.
@geekymummy – I think that the people in charge of these kinds of events won’t make exceptions for babies because they’re afraid that if someone who was turned away because they had an older child or multiple children with them (including a baby) saw someone inside with a baby they’d complain. I think for them it’s easier to just put a blanket ban on ALL children rather than leave it to subjective judgment calls on which babies are okay and which are “too old.” It’s just shame though, because there are so many places and events that kids (and their parents) miss out on due to un-family-friendly practices.
@Tara – When I found out that everyone was swapping business cards and asking for each other’s traffic stats, I knew I would never be attending. Blech!
@Charlotte – You’re welcome, dear. I just saved you $200, not including travel costs.
@anon – Did you not see the part saying the baby is breastfed, and only 11 weeks old? So no, that wouldn’t have been an option. And why should women always have to leave their children with others? Why can’t we just be more inclusive of children (and, by association, parents) and recognise that they are part of most people’s lives?
My head’s been in a fog for days, but I wanted to see what others had to say to your post. What forgot to mention is that I want to go to BlogHer 10 to hone my skills as a writer and broaden my comfort baseline, NOT to learn how to cash in. Do I want more traffic? Yeah, because I want to interact and grow as a writer. And I would love some tips on how to do that without sacrificing my integrity and whoring out my blogroll.
You should still consider attending. Otherwise it will be taken over by those seeking things and not knowledge, right? I think it’s got the right idea… Maybe it just needs to get recallibrated.
I have mixed feelings about BlogHer. Well, let me back up. I have mixed feelings about gender-specific organizing in general. I don’t understand why there needs to be a Blogher. Why not just a BlogUs? I think at times creating these types of “support” organizations to “support women” actually darkens the line between us and them, implying there is some kind of war going on and being female requires “help”. Yeah, yeah, there are men’s hunting organizations and fraternities and stuff too, but why is the principle blogging organization gender-specific? It just sits strangely with me.
You bring up some really valid points about mixing children and adults and what it ultimately implies for women. I love that nearly every time I come over here you draw my attention to something that I had never even thought about before.
NS – will you email me your email address? waxwingblues@gmail.com
Speaking of blues’ comment about your ability to draw attention to things never thought about – I’ve just had my attention drawn to something I didn’t even know existed.
BlogHer? What? Conventions? Swag? Money-making? Tribes? Net-working? I’ve been blogging for 15 months and never have heard of BlogHer. Apparently my rock is very, very large.
This has been entertaining, informative and horrifying, all at once. The last time I had feelings like this was the day I learned about NaNoWriMo, and read the earnest declarations that it’s all about quantity – crank out your 50,000 words and call it a novel, quality be damned.
I’d twitter everyone I know about this strange phenomenon, if I twittered. Which I don’t. I like my rock.
I just got back from vaca, and I came back with a very large disinterest in the internets in general, so this is the first I’m hearing of all this. I have to say though, it sounds to me like BlogHer has jumped the shark. Seriously, I thought we were all blogging for OURSELVES? I guess I’m wrong… ‘s okay though, I’m still blogging for the same reason.
I started a reviews site because I thought it would be fun to write about products I love and see if I could get advertisers to give those products out to readers, and so far, it has done just that. I’ve made nothing off it (never intended to), have no paid ads on the site, and usually only write about products I’ve paid for out of pocket (because my approval cannot be purchased.) I’m just not interested in this whole “blogging for money” business. I wanted to go to BlogHer so I could meet some of these moms in person and see who I was cyber-talking to, but I also realized that would mean I’d run into some people I wasn’t all that interested in, so I was ultimately happy that I wasn’t there.
Sounds like I didn’t miss much.