Not fade away
NS May 24th, 2009
I usually get The Noble Baby to sleep by nursing him in my arms and then laying him down in the cot once he’s asleep, or nearly asleep. Usually just a little gentle back-rubbing and the whirring sound of a nearby fan are enough to send him into a peaceful slumber. But this evening he didn’t fall asleep at my breast and when I tried to put him on his side and give him a pat, he just rolled onto his back and stared at me in quiet contemplation. I smiled and reached down to stroke his smooth-as-silk cheeks and rub my palm over the fuzzy blond down sprouting all over his perfectly-shaped head. Those blue eyes (more like mine than my daughter’s are) looking back at me, into me, like love’s arrow to my heart. The tiny pink lips, Cupid’s envy.
I began to softly sing a lullaby, one that I made up when TNC was a baby and that I sing to her still.
Let’s lie down and rest our heads
Let’s lie down, it’s time for bed
Let’s lie down and count some sheep
It’s off to dreamland, off to sleep
He was asleep after about four renditions.
Still, I couldn’t make myself straighten up and creep away. I remained, crouched over the railing, my hand on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of a sleep unencumbered by worries or fears or uncertainties. Despite the dull ache in my lower back, I remained, allowing myself to indulge in a silent reverie with him.
My son. My beautiful, wonderful son. Do you know how fiercely, deeply and completely I adore you? Will you ever?
I am regularly awoken before the promise of dawn has edged out nightfall’s sojourn and still, I manage to smile. I push myself up on one elbow to look at you, cooing and babbling in bed next to me, your feet pushing against the soft and yielding flesh of my abdomen, your former home. I trace the deep reddish stretchmarks that spread across me like a roadmap of creation, the topography of love. You and your sister made this map — made me — by giving me direction and making life’s path clear. I snuggle closer and create another memory, filing it away for a day when you’re older, more independent, further away.
Like the stretchmarks, I hope they never fade.
- Squish Squish , The Noble Baby
- Comments(11)
I’ve never understood why people are so squeamish about stretchmarks. When I was a child, I used to LOVE my mother’s saggy tummy (she’d had 4 kids). It was all soft and squishy, and I loved the feel of it and the look of it. Can’t say I quite feel the same about my own, but I hope my kids do.
I love that line in “Shirley Valentine” though. Where the Greek guy has waxed lyrical for minutes on end about her stretchmarks being “the marks of love”, and then there’s a perfect pause before Pauline Collins looks at the camera and says “aren’t men full of sh**?” Love it.
Lovely post. Nothing in the world like a sleeping baby.
Lovely!
The eternal question – will they ever have any idea as to how deeply and completely they are loved? Beautiful post. Love is love, is love. But in my experience there is no love like the love you feel for your children.
Beautiful post for a beautiful baby. He will treasure it when he is older.
Beautiful post Noble.
Very nice.
I tend to believe that they sense our love, but only truly understand it when they are parents themselves. It’s just so damn unique and powerful.
I echo those comments above – a lovely post. My favourite kind. I still cannot comprehend that my mum feels about me, the way I feel about my baby. That powerful, protective and endlessly fascinating love.
Beautiful, and so true!! I could have written the exact same thing. But you did it much better
I found the last part of your post so moving. I have lost my mum recentley and times have been hard but my 3 children and hubbie are the world to me and you summed it up so beautifully – even managing to put a nice spin on stretch marks! That takes some work!
Your words are lilting. It’s precious and ethereal, this mothering thing we get to do. I sometimes don’t want to admit that my mother might have felt this way about me, our relationship is so complex as adults, but I have to. And it softens me to her. I only hope my kids get to experience this some day, too.
Beautiful and makes me want a baby now now now.