NS March 19th, 2009

I wrote a post last month detailing a day in my life and got quite a few comments about how together and well organised I seemed. Well, let me tell you a little secret: that was a particularly good day in the Noble household. In fact, it was better than good, it was very good. Lots of outings, very little friction and enough activities to keep us all happy. Those days are fantastic but they’re more rare than I’d like. Most days are a mix of the bad and the good and some days are just plain ugly. In the interest of keeping things honest and so that no one gets any illusions about my keeping-it-together skills, I present a (bad) day in the life.

6.12 – Awoken by children; , get dressed, help TNC use the toilet, change the baby’s nappy and head downstairs still feeling bleary-eyed and yawning.

6.30 – Put cereal in front of TNC as she watches CBeebies (that most blessed of early-morning babysitters); she shoves it back at me and I only just catch it before it falls off the table onto the carpet. This does not help my morning grump.

6.35 – Settle down with my own cereal and coffee and check email while flipping through paper; stop TNC from kicking her brother

7.00 – Toddler terror starts demading a sandwich and I dig my heels in and refuse, telling her sandwiches are for lunch. I offer her toast or porridge. This is met with foot stomping and shouting. It’s too early for this.

7.15 – Sit down on the floor to play with TNC; am told I’m not ‘doing it right’ and she keeps getting cross for reasons known only to tiny people with terrible tempers and absolutely no grasp of reason. I start getting fed up and look at my coffee longingly as it goes cold.

7.40 – TNB starts fussing and I realise he’s done a gigantic poo which has gone all up his back. Go upstairs to get him cleaned up and wake TNH. Feel resentful that he got to sleep until nearly 8am while I’ve been up no later than 6.15 the past three days. Feel guilty for thinking this because he’s been working late a lot and has to work all weekend too.

8.00 – Finish getting TNC cleaned and dressed; try to corral TNC while I get ready as she continues to act up.

8.45 – I’m ready. The baby’s ready. When I attempt to get TNC ready, she loses the plot and starts kicking me and screaming, which sets her brother off. TNC goes into a timeout while I attempt to calm myself (and TNB) down

8.55 - Attemt number two at getting dressed begins; More fits ensue and both children begin screaming bloody murder. I barely, barely contain myself from exploding in rage and instead use a very tight, low voice and clench my jaw while combing her hair and getting her socks on. Feel a tension headache invading my brain.

9.30 – Downstairs to get bag packed and shoes and jackets on. More demands for sandwiches and more crying. I slam a book down on the counter and both children wail again.

9.40 - Remember I have washing that needs to be hung up before we leave so leave TNB crying in his carseat while I lug the basket outside and quickly hang the clothes up. By the time I get back five minutes later he is hysterical.

9.45 - Get TNB calmed down and everyone into car. Turn radio up and roll window down to let sunshine work its magic.

10.00 – Almost there and feeling much better. TNB asleep and Toddler Terror has perked up.

10.15 – Arrive at mother-in-laws to drop TNC off but end up going in for a coffee and beg her to watch both children while I sit in peace for a few minutes.

11.30 – TNC asks me to cut her fingernails so I get the clippers and start to do them when she starts screaming so I let her go. She comes immediately back asking me to cut them. I prepare to get them out again. She runs away screaming. I put them away. Repeat. She slams a door very hard. I put her in a timeout and she wails. The headache returns.

12.00 – Feed TNB and then head back home, leaving TNC with Grandma.

12.30 – Back home for lunch

1.00 - Start work but TNB is incredibly fussy. Try to feed him, change him, rock him and play with him, to no avail. Finally put him in front of television and give him a piece of paper to chew on. Silence. Crack on with work.

2.00 - Finish work and decide to go get car washed then grab a frappuccino from Starbucks and take TNC for a walk in the park since it’s such a gorgeous day.

2.20 – In carwash queue, waiting my turn. Taking forever.

2.40 – Finally my turn. I pull in just as TNB starts screaming. I accidentally run over one of the sensors/rail thingies and the cow behind me won’t back up so I can reverse and start again. I try to get it maneuvered correctly but the screaming baby and honking car send my stress levels soaring. I can’t take anymore and just leave the carwash without having washed the car. What a waste of £4.50 and a half hour of my time. I hope the bitch behind me accidentally left her sunroof open and got toxic soap in her eyes.

3.00 – Sit crying in carpark of grocery store while TNB cries too.

3.10 - Get him out and go inside to change his nappy and get emergency cheesecake for medicinal purposes. Set him down to change him and he screams like I’ve dipped him in boiling oil. An employee knocks on the door to ask if we’re okay. I try to pull myself together so she doesn’t hear my strangled, garbled voice.

3.30 – Back home; TNB crying even harder now and not even holding him is doing much. Set him in his carseat, turn the radio up really loudly and get on IM to vent to The Noble Husband. Think about what a terrible parent I must seem to the neighbours, letting my baby cry while I listen to the radio but feel it is better for both of us if I am not near him for a few minutes.

3.35 – Pick him up and take him upstairs for a feed and a nap; lay in bed nursing him, trying not to shake him too much with my hiccuping sobs. Wipe nose on pillowcase because tissues are across room and I am stuck on bed with him.

4.00 – He’s asleep! Hallelujah. Head downstairs for cheesecake and tea. Start feeling a lot better.

5.10 – He’s awake but in a much better mood; play for a little bit and mess around on computer.

5.45 – Tesco delivery arrives; put food away.

6.00 – Put dinner in oven.

7.00 – Mother-in-law brings TNC back, fast asleep in the car. Scoop her up and take her directly to bed, changing her into pajamas and tucking her up.

7.10 – Get laundry off the line outside and say goodbye to MIL.

7.30 – Take TNB upstairs for nappy change and into pajamas. Nurse to sleep.

8.00 – Finish making dinner and eat.

8.30 until 10.30 – Watch tv, read a magazine and blog. Ignore pile of dishes that need doing and list of things that are meant to be done. Add ‘Look for full-time job and a nanny’ to list.

10.35 - Still no sign of TNH from work so going to bed alone soon.

• Antics of The Noble Child , Banal Breakdown , Home and Hearth , Parenting 101 , The Noble Baby
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