No one tells you
NS March 12th, 2009
I found this post at It’s My Life yesterday, via Alpha Mummy, and it made me start thinking of all the things no one ever told me about birth and motherhood; some of them good, some of them bad. I decided to do my own version and post it here.
No one tells you that your health care providers sometimes make decisions based on their own backgrounds, morals, schedules and beliefs instead of evidence-based, patient-centric models of care.
No one tells you that you don’t have to have the baby in a hospital.
No one tells you that you’ll be ‘on the clock’ once you go into hospital and that if you don’t follow their time table you will be subject to interventions.
No one tells you that continuous fetal monitoring isn’t usually necessary in low-risk labours and limits your range of movement severely. Consequently, no one tells you that a limited range of motion often translates into greater pain.
No one tells you how much of a failure you will feel if you set out to have a drug-free birth and end up begging for pain relief. Conversely, no one tells you how many strange looks, doubtful glares and exclamations of “You’re insane!” you wil get if you do manage to give birth without drugs.
No one tells you what contractions actually feel like, though that’s because they’re impossible to explain properly. The best I can do is that they feel like a belt being tightened around your middle while simultaneously experiencing worsening and debilitating menstrual cramps. That doesn’t even come CLOSE to explaining it but I told you this was hard…
No one tells you that you probably won’t give a shit if anyone hears you scream or sees you naked.
No one tells you that you won’t remember listening to any of the dozen music compliations you made for your birth and that no one will remember to note what song was playing when the baby emerges.
No one tells you how much like being on drugs labour is, especially towards the end. They don’t call it Labour La-La Land for nothing.
No one tells you that you will make noises you didn’t know human beings could make.
No one tells you that giving birth makes you intensely aware that we really are animals with primal, innate instincts.
No one tells you how much awe and beauty you will find in everything else for the rest of your life because of this one experience.
No one tells you that you don’t have to throw your placenta away.
No one tells you that recovery from stitches and hemmorhoids is often worse than the labour and birth itself.
No one tells you that you may feel like a superhuman for awhile after the birth, or that you may feel lower than you’ve ever felt before. Baby blues does not even begin to scratch the surface for some.
No one tells you that the after-contractions and bleeding are worse with second and subsequent babies.
No one tells you that leaning forward while peeing, with your hands flat on the floor, helps with the stinging.
No one tells you that the expression “He/she’s using you as a pacifier (dummy)” is inaccurate: a baby uses a pacifier or dummy as an absent breast.
No one tells you that breastfeeding is usually worth all the pain, effort and emotion you put into it.
No one tells you that it’s okay to tell people to piss off if they say you should give up nursing when things get rough. If mama wants to keep trying, she shouldn’t be stopped or discouraged.
No one tells you that the La Leche League are, in fact, NOT a bunch of “boob nazis” but normal, everyday mothers who really want to help you succeed. As with any group there are a few bad apples but they’re not the majority.
No one tells you that formula is so damn expensive, or why.
No one tells you how much of a pain in the ass sterilizing bottles is.
No one tells you that you may feel completely weird for awhile about your breasts being touched, looked at or even thought of in a sexual way and that this is normal and perfectly okay.
No one tells you that stretchmarks and flabby tummies don’t horrify every man. Some love their partners just the way they are.
No one tells you that you may feel you have to hide your rapid weight loss after the birth so as not to make others for whom it has been a struggle feel bad.
No one tells you about the Breastfeeding Hunger and how it will make the Pregnancy Hunger look meek and mild in comparison.
No one tells you that if you carry your baby in a sling all the time you will get comments on it all the time; you will be asked a few times a week if your back hurts and where your stroller is, but you will also have women (usually elderly and upper-middle-aged) tell you that they did the same with theirs and that it’s wonderful.
No one tells you that nursing in public is an acquired skill and that once you get the hang of it you’ll wonder why you were ever nervous about it in the first place.
No one tells you that you’ll have lots of witty comebacks prepared in case someone kicks up a fuss about you nursing your baby but that you’ll likely never have to use them.
No one tells you how many people will smile at you when you’re feeding your baby. Again, the old ladies are particularly good at this.
No one tells you that breastfed babies’ poo doesn’t smell that bad. It’s when they start eating solids that it reeks!
No one tells you that it’s okay to share your bed with your baby if you know how to do it safely.
No one tells you that babies prefer wooden spoons and silly songs to flashing, beeping toys.
No one tells you that you won’t need half the crap you bought.
No one tells you that you’re not abnormal if you’re not worried about every little thing; it seems more commonplace to be a worrywart than laid-back.
No one tells you that ‘alone time’ will mean listening to music while doing the dishes or reading a magazine while you nurse the baby.
No one tells you how many times you will be made to feel like a leper for bringing your children out in public.
No one tells you that if you were a feminist before you became a mother, its importance will quadruple afterwards.
No one tells you that you will be called a breeder, a baby machine, a milk cow, a planet destroyer and “just” a mother.
No one tells you that your friendships with your childless friends don’t have to end or change; they only have to evolve.
No one tells you that the ‘Mommy Wars’ were invented by the patriarchy and are perpetuated by the media to keep us fighting each other and not addressing the real problems.
No one tells you that being a mother is simultaneously the most rewarding, demanding, mundane, exciting, joyful, sorrowful, pleasurable and painful thing you will likely ever do but that it shouldn’t define you.
No one tells you that it doesn’t matter what no one tells you because the beauty of the journey is discovering it for yourself.
- Activism , Parenting 101
- Comments(10)
Great post. I’d do it, but you’ve said everything I’d want to say. Except maybe that giving birth gives me an empowerment rush that lasts for decades, which is quite a fab thing, really.
“No one tells you that the expression “He/she’s using you as a pacifier (dummy)” is inaccurate: a baby uses a pacifier or dummy as an absent breast.”
I love that!!
Very good. A lot of this rings bells with me, in particular the contractions, and the breast-feeding ones.
No-one managed to describe what contractions felt like to me, either. All they managed was ‘You’ll know when you’re having them,’ and when I was asked a year later, that’s the best I could do, as well.
And the last sentence, as well. Definitely. However much advice we got from people (whether it was actually really good advice, or interfering busy-body annoying advice), we still had to find our own way.
No one tells all because humans might be on the endangered species list if we did!
Wow, what a list. How did you remember all that? Have you been keeping a running list?!
BTW– do you want to put any posts on Expat Mums Blog?
So very true. What a great post.
What a great post! There are so many things that would be on my own list. I have thought so much about all those things that no one ever told me. Some stuff can’t be explained, yes, but some stuff should be told. When my best friend was pregnant I went to visit her towards the end of her pregnancy and I told her a lot of these things. I think *hope* it helped her.
Love this, it’s so true, all of it. It makes me sad and comforted at the same time. I am glad I found your blog.
@Charlotte – I sure hope it lasts decades, that would be fantastic!
@Jessica – Yeah, it’s a good one. I heard some version of this awhile back and it struck me how true it is. I hadn’t looked at it that way before but once I did, comfort nursing didn’t seem like such a chore.
@Coding Mama (Tasha) – Yep. Even the good advice has to be tried and tested before you know it’s sound.
@Lyn – For some things, certainly. For others, I think we’d be better prepared for the realities. But like I said, we all have to discover these things for ourselves.
@A Modern Mother – Nope, just came out in one big swoop! I’m a fast typer.
And yes, will get something up on Expat Mums soon, promise.
@LindsayM – Thanks, doll.
@Zoesmom – I agree. Some things are definitely worth sharing and you should share whatever you think is appropriate for your friends. I pick and choose what I share with pregnant friends though as some of it, I believe, is best discovered alone or may not suit their viewpoint or personality at the time. But others…bring on that info! Like the peeing tip, for instance. Once I read that I was so grateful!
@kyndale – Thanks! Glad to have you.
I think these are wonderful and agree with all, except…
“No one tells you how many people will smile at you when you’re feeding your baby. Again, the old ladies are particularly good at this.”
In Mississippi I was glared at all the time, especially by the older women. One woman left church because I was bfing while sitting next to her, completely hidden under a sling, mind you. I later learned that bfing in public had only been legalized in MS the year before! *jaw drop*
Speaking of the sling, I don’t know how many women stared at me when I carried him around. One asked me if I was suffocating him. Again, *jaw drop*. So, I’ll add one more:
No one tells you that having a baby seems to give complete strangers the right to say utterly stupid things to you.