Baby names on crack
NS February 22nd, 2009
I sat down last night to begin reading Elizabeth Pantley’s The No-Cry Discipline Solution for ideas on improving the state of my parent-toddler relationship with TNC. As I thumbed through the introduction and foreword, I saw an aknowledgement page that listed the names of all the children involved in Pantley’s research for the book. It was quite a list, covering two whole pages, and I thought to myself that if I was looking for a baby name it would be a good place to look since these are names from across the world (though concentrated mainly in the US and other English-speaking nations) in actual use. If you were looking for inspiration or just what to avoid, this would be a good little peek into current name trends. So I started reading the list.
Aaron, Abigail, Aidan…blah, blah, blah….Asphyxia… Wait, ASPHYXIA? Seriously? As in ‘death by suffocation or choking’ asphyxia?
Yep, it really did say that. The sound of marbles rolling around could be heard as my mind boggled. I think a little drool formed on my chin as I stared, open-mouthed, at the page. I blinked multiple times in dumbfoundedness but eventually forced myself to move on.
The next name that caught my eye was Kinder. I suppose my first thought for pronunciation should’ve been ‘to be more kind’ but in my head it sounded like the aforementioned and dreaded Kinder Eggs. 
Da-DUH-DUM!!! What were these parents thinking?
Next up…Maverick. I think we all know which two people this brings to mind.
Ain’t no way a kid with that name isn’t going to be associated with the failed Republican bid for the post-Bush presidency now. Poor tyke.
In the ‘P’ section I noticed the name Prophet. I would put a picture up for this one but the Dutch cartoon fiasco tells me that might not be such a good idea. Let’s just hope the child Prophet is wise beyond his or her years and isn’t dumb as a box of rocks with no sense of direction. How unfortunate that would be.
Next, a term usually associated with kidnapping and extortion but here applied as a lifelong identity for a human being — Ransom.
Aye yi yi, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Perhaps the parents traded Ransom for a suitcase full of non-marked, sequential one hundred dollar bills, a private plane out of the surrounded compound and the freedom of a wronged freedom fighter in a misunderstood country. The world shall never know…
And finally, my personal favourite, Yoni. I will refrain from posting an associated picture for this since it’s slang for vagina, derived from the Sanskrit word for ‘divine passage.’ New-Agey types and some of those uncomfortable with the proper terms for female genitalia use this word as a euphemism and it makes me gag every time I hear it. It’s just so syrupy-sickly and WEIRD. All I can think of when I hear it is some mountrain retreat with recently-divorced women trying to “find themselves” by squatting over hand mirrors and waving silk scarves around while burning clary sage.
So there we have it…baby names for people on crack. Please, people, be kind. Just not Kinder.
Photo credits:
jonlk
Calamity Meg
xadrian
redjar
- Banal Breakdown , Funny Ha-Ha
- Comments(14)
wow. just – wow.
i’m all for unique names, but these border on abuse.
That is just horrendous.
We used to run an annual Baby of the Year contest on the paper I worked on and the best entertainment was reading their names.
The year The Matrix came out there were countless Trinitys and a couple of Neos and even one Zion.
The local football team nickname is the Sky Blues and I lost count of the number of girls called Sky or Blue or just Sky Blue.
But my favourite was the poor little man who had been saddled with the name Pirate.
I don’t know what some parents are thinking when they name their kids. Clearly not about the kid. When we were picking names we went through all foreseeable teasing possibilities before settling on a name.
Yoni? Never heard that euphemism.
How bizarre … and they would definitely not be allowed in Germany where the naming officials forbid any name that could cause a child embarrassment later in life.
Please reveiw the book when you’ve finished with it. It sounds really interesting.
@Jen – Yes, particularly Asphyxia. That’s just MEAN.
@Tara – Pirate?! Poor little guy. He’ll hear “Arr, Matey” for the rest of his life.
@A Free Man – Yes, the teasing speculation is important. We did the whole “sounds like, initials spell and rhymes with” before deciding on names for our kids. That said, some people think that any name that isn’t in the top 20 most popular names is ‘weird’. I do like a little originality. Just not THIS original.
@Charlotte – I’d heard that about Germany. Not sure I like the idea of telling people what they can or can’t name their children though. A bit too stringent for my tastes. What do you think of it?
Will definitely review the book once I’ve finished it.
Working in the education sector, I ocassionally come across some ‘interesting’ names.Two recent ones that come to mind are:
T. Amato
and
Rhapsody Yells
one of my favorites from the days of working at a past job was a patient who had the unfortunate luck of being named Latrina, as in a feminized version of the term for toilet. poor girl.
Andrea’s experience is not singular. I went to high school with a girl called Latrina! There are quite a few of them out there. What were their parents thinking?!
I guess they never listened to Johnny Cash’s song “A boy named Sue”
I’ve never understood the name Candida…why name a child after something that can cause a particularly nasty yeast infection, intent on wreaking havoc in the life of a poor, innocent, hormonal wretch like me? Not that I’m bitter or anything…On the other hand this http://community.tes.co.uk/forums/t/363.aspx?PageIndex=1
posted on a respected teaching forum caused a minor controversy a few years ago; being a teacher and a parent sometimes poses a problem when it comes to naming children
What kind of guilt trip would you be on if your child named Asphyxia later died of asphyxiation? I mean, really. Really. Why would you set yourself (and your child) up for that?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Too funny. When I was in the NICU with my youngest there were twins there named Huston (boy) and Piper (girl). The nurses had no idea which was which.
@RobA – Rhapsody Yells has a certain ring to it…I think I actually like that one.
@andrea – What about French Baker? That was a good one.
@mothership – I suppose it’s better than Toilet. My husband has a friend with this nickname and EVERYONE calls him that.
@the bad aunt – No, apparently not.
@Katherine – NO!! Candida? That’s another cruel one.
@Strawberry – I see by the plethora of punctuation marks that you agree that Asphyxia is a strange name choice. It does seem to be tempting fate, doesn’t it?
@A Modern Mother – At least they weren’t named Houston and Dallas.
I laughed and laughed… if you ever read Freakanomics you’ll know that there was some poor child somewhere with a made up name which was pronounced Sha-taid. Only problem was it was spelt Shithead!
Guffaw!
Cheers
BC