Baby names on crack
NS February 22nd, 2009
I sat down last night to begin reading Elizabeth Pantley’s The No-Cry Discipline Solution for ideas on improving the state of my parent-toddler relationship with TNC. As I thumbed through the introduction and foreword, I saw an aknowledgement page that listed the names of all the children involved in Pantley’s research for the book. It was quite a list, covering two whole pages, and I thought to myself that if I was looking for a baby name it would be a good place to look since these are names from across the world (though concentrated mainly in the US and other English-speaking nations) in actual use. If you were looking for inspiration or just what to avoid, this would be a good little peek into current name trends. So I started reading the list.
Aaron, Abigail, Aidan…blah, blah, blah….Asphyxia… Wait, ASPHYXIA? Seriously? As in ‘death by suffocation or choking’ asphyxia?
Yep, it really did say that. The sound of marbles rolling around could be heard as my mind boggled. I think a little drool formed on my chin as I stared, open-mouthed, at the page. I blinked multiple times in dumbfoundedness but eventually forced myself to move on.
The next name that caught my eye was Kinder. I suppose my first thought for pronunciation should’ve been ‘to be more kind’ but in my head it sounded like the aforementioned and dreaded Kinder Eggs. 
Da-DUH-DUM!!! What were these parents thinking?
Next up…Maverick. I think we all know which two people this brings to mind.
Ain’t no way a kid with that name isn’t going to be associated with the failed Republican bid for the post-Bush presidency now. Poor tyke.
In the ‘P’ section I noticed the name Prophet. I would put a picture up for this one but the Dutch cartoon fiasco tells me that might not be such a good idea. Let’s just hope the child Prophet is wise beyond his or her years and isn’t dumb as a box of rocks with no sense of direction. How unfortunate that would be.
Next, a term usually associated with kidnapping and extortion but here applied as a lifelong identity for a human being — Ransom.
Aye yi yi, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Perhaps the parents traded Ransom for a suitcase full of non-marked, sequential one hundred dollar bills, a private plane out of the surrounded compound and the freedom of a wronged freedom fighter in a misunderstood country. The world shall never know…
And finally, my personal favourite, Yoni. I will refrain from posting an associated picture for this since it’s slang for vagina, derived from the Sanskrit word for ‘divine passage.’ New-Agey types and some of those uncomfortable with the proper terms for female genitalia use this word as a euphemism and it makes me gag every time I hear it. It’s just so syrupy-sickly and WEIRD. All I can think of when I hear it is some mountrain retreat with recently-divorced women trying to “find themselves” by squatting over hand mirrors and waving silk scarves around while burning clary sage.
So there we have it…baby names for people on crack. Please, people, be kind. Just not Kinder.
Photo credits:
jonlk
Calamity Meg
xadrian
redjar
