NS February 24th, 2009

7am – Children awake; feed baby

7.15 – Toilet, dress and change both children’s nappies

7.30 – Head downstairs. Let cat out. Pour cereal and make coffee. Get TNB settled on blanket with a toy

7.45 – Eat cereal and drink coffee. Supervise TNC while she eats breakfast and flits between playing and watching CBeebies. Flip through paper. Get on computer to check email/Facebook/blog/Twitter/forums. Bounce baby on knee while finishing coffee

8.45 – Clear breakfast dishes. Take rubbish and recycling out. Let cat back in. Put load of laundry in (all while holding TNB)

9.00 – Herd children upstairs. Put TNB in bouncy seat and TNC in front of the computer. Make beds and tidy up. Take TNB into bathroom with me while I give it a quick clean. Shower and get ready, checking on TNC every five minutes

9.30 – Change both children’s nappies and get them dressed. Run blowdryer over wet hair. Make to-do list for the week. Send a couple texts. Fold and put away clean clothes

10.15 – Sit TNC down with a stack of books and toys in her room. Feed the baby on my bed while reading a parenting book with my free hand

10.30 – Take TNC downstairs for a snack and some one-on-one time. Eat peanut butter toast and have another cup of coffee. Read two books in extraordinarily silly voices. Play grocery store, ‘guess what animal I am’ and ballerinas.

11.30 – Baby wakes up from his nap. Put him in sling and get TNC’s jacket and shoes on. Go kick ball in garden. Hang a bird feeder. Grab the gardening shears and do a bit of pruning and weeding (of what little I can get to with TNB attached to me)

12.15 – Inside to make lunch. Eat while holding TNB

1.00 – Get TNC down for her nap. Clear lunch dishes and then spend some time playing with the babe

1.30 – Feed TNB and get computer set up for work

1.45 – Start work. TNB decides he doesn’t want to play alone, sleep or be fed so spend time jiggling, cooing and singing to him while working with one hand. After a half hour of fruitless attempts to settle him, plop him in front of Baby Einstein dvd. Crack on with work

3.00 – Finish work; browse internet

3.15 – TNC awake. Remember that we’re supposed to be at a playdate at 4pm so race around to get ready. Decide to walk instead of drive for a bit of fresh air and exercise. Get TNB in sling and TNC in pushchair

3.45 – Leave house and ring to say we’ll be a bit late. Stop to withdraw cash and buy flowers and walk rest of the way, which was much further than previously thought

4.15 – Arrive for visit/playdate. Chat with lovely new friend and kids play together beautifully. Lovely new friend serves homemade, authentic Indian chappati and dosa — yum!

6.15 – Head home, stopping at grocery store on the way back

7.00 – Arrive home absolutely exhausted from pushing 35lb toddler and 14lb baby plus pushchair and groceries uphill. Put food away, feed cat and hang up wet washing

7.30 – Sit down on sofa, still exhausted. Manage to Tweet about said exhaustion

7.40 – The Noble Husband home from work; kiss hello. Take baby upstairs to change and put to bed

8.15 – Sneak away from bedroom after getting him to sleep (and almost falling asleep myself!). Chat to TNH about our respective days. Tidy living room. Grab a beer from the fridge. Check email

9.00 – Dinner put in front of me. TNC carried to bed after falling asleep on sofa

9.45 – Attempt to finish attaching new buggy board to pram and realise a piece of the connector has fallen off somewhere when I was out and about. Buggershitdamn!

10.00 – Do the washing up. Make a cup of tea

10.30 – Drink tea, finish this post, kiss my husband goodnight and then go to bed soon after

Tomorrow – Get up and do it all over again

• Banal Breakdown , Home and Hearth
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NS February 22nd, 2009

I sat down last night to begin reading Elizabeth Pantley’s The No-Cry Discipline Solution for ideas on improving the state of my parent-toddler relationship with TNC. As I thumbed through the introduction and foreword, I saw an aknowledgement page that listed the names of all the children involved in Pantley’s research for the book. It was quite a list, covering two whole pages, and I thought to myself that if I was looking for a baby name it would be a good place to look since these are names from across the world (though concentrated mainly in the US and other English-speaking nations) in actual use. If you were looking for inspiration or just what to avoid, this would be a good little peek into current name trends. So I started reading the list.

Aaron, Abigail, Aidan…blah, blah, blah….Asphyxia… Wait, ASPHYXIA? Seriously? As in ‘death by suffocation or choking’ asphyxia?

Yep, it really did say that. The sound of marbles rolling around could be heard as my mind boggled. I think a little drool formed on my chin as I stared, open-mouthed, at the page. I blinked multiple times in dumbfoundedness but eventually forced myself to move on.

The next name that caught my eye was Kinder. I suppose my first thought for pronunciation should’ve been ‘to be more kind’ but in my head it sounded like the aforementioned and dreaded Kinder Eggs.

Da-DUH-DUM!!! What were these parents thinking?

Next up…Maverick. I think we all know which two people this brings to mind.

Ain’t no way a kid with that name isn’t going to be associated with the failed Republican bid for the post-Bush presidency now. Poor tyke.

In the ‘P’ section I noticed the name Prophet. I would put a picture up for this one but the Dutch cartoon fiasco tells me that might not be such a good idea. Let’s just hope the child Prophet is wise beyond his or her years and isn’t dumb as a box of rocks with no sense of direction. How unfortunate that would be.

Next, a term usually associated with kidnapping and extortion but here applied as a lifelong identity for a human being — Ransom.

Aye yi yi, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Perhaps the parents traded Ransom for a suitcase full of non-marked, sequential one hundred dollar bills, a private plane out of the surrounded compound and the freedom of a wronged freedom fighter in a misunderstood country. The world shall never know…

And finally, my personal favourite, Yoni. I will refrain from posting an associated picture for this since it’s slang for vagina, derived from the Sanskrit word for ‘divine passage.’ New-Agey types and some of those uncomfortable with the proper terms for female genitalia use this word as a euphemism and it makes me gag every time I hear it. It’s just so syrupy-sickly and WEIRD. All I can think of when I hear it is some mountrain retreat with recently-divorced women trying to “find themselves” by squatting over hand mirrors and waving silk scarves around while burning clary sage.

So there we have it…baby names for people on crack. Please, people, be kind. Just not Kinder.

Photo credits:
jonlk
Calamity Meg
xadrian
redjar

• Banal Breakdown , Funny Ha-Ha
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NS February 21st, 2009

When my toddler is being particularly moody and doesn’t want me anywhere near her, I love nothing more than turning on some music and dancing around wildly, doing turns and shaking my groove thang while singing into a microphone fashioned out of a maraca or hairbrush. It makes her so unbelievably angry and she glares at me through her platinum blonde mop of hair with arms crossed in a dramatic harrumph of epic proportions. Ocassionally she shouts “Mummy, stop dancing! Stop singing! Be quiet!” and I just dance harder, sing louder and try to entice her to join me. Eventually her arms come uncrossed, her brow comes uncreased and the corners of her lips lift ever-so-slightly. We collapse into the sofa or floor in each other’s arms, a tangle of limbs and kisses and laughter. Soon she forgets why she was grumpy or cross in the first place and as we sit catching our breath, she looks at me and smiles her big toothy grin. It’s not much longer that this tactic will work, I fear, and I’ll have to think of something else to diffuse the tension that mounts between us.

It sure will be a good trick for embarrassing her at sleepovers when she’s a teenager though.

• Antics of The Noble Child , Parenting 101
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NS February 19th, 2009

I saw this meme about marriage on Dooce and thought I’d reproduce it here to give you a peek at how I live life with my other half, The Noble Husband.

What are your middle names?
Mine is Lyn; he doesn’t have one. I thought that was so strange and, frankly, disconcerting, for the first few years we were together. I had never heard of someone just not having a middle name. Not at all, not even an initial. Nada.

The funny thing is, he really wants a middle name and we’re always trying to think of a suitable one for him. I think the one being favoured at the moment is Jasper. I have no idea why. Personally, I think Thaddeus suits him better but he gives me a dirty look every time I mention it.

How long have you been together?
We’ve beeen together for 10 and a half years and married for nine. Our anniversary was just a couple weeks ago. We got married in 2000, which is really very convenient for remembering this.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Umm…a week? Maybe two.

Who asked whom out?
It’s hard to say. Techinically he asked me out first but he also asked my flatmates along so I’m not sure if it counts. But I say it does and this is my meme so that’s that.

How old are each of you?
I’m 29 and he will be 35 in a few short days. Once he hit 30, he enjoyed telling me regularly that the silver lining in that depressing cloud was that he still had a wife in her 20s, which made him feel younger. Now that I’m approaching the big 3-0, I think he’s liable to have a mid-life crisis.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Strangely enough, mine, even though my sister lives in Chicago (an eight hour flight away) and his brother lives in Brussels (a two hour train ride away).

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
The dynamics of our relationship changed drastically when I quit my job and became a stay-at-home parent. We no longer feel equal financially, socially or professionally, which sometimes bleeds over into not feeling equal in our partnership at home. He feels overworked and unappreciated and I feel the same. It’s an issue we struggle with constantly but we’re keeping our heads above water for the most part.

Did you go to the same school?
No.

Are you from the same home town?
That’s a negative, Ghostrider. He’s a la-di-da city boy, born in Paris and raised in London; I was born in Podunk, USA and raised in Podunker.

Who is smarter?
That’s really hard to say because we’re both pretty smart and well-rounded. He’s considerably better at math, science and spatial-awareness stuff but I’m more well-read with superior written and verbal communication skills. Hey, we’re like a walking, talking, educational gender stereotype! But yeah, I think we both took an IQ test one time and he was a couple points ahead of me so I’d have to say him.

Who is the most sensitive?
That would be me.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Probably Giraffe, or at various independently-owned Thai and Indian restaurants in the area. It’s not often we go out to eat as a couple so we like to switch it up when we do.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Depends on what point of reference you use. If you mean farthest from the UK it would have to be Mexico, but we were living in the US at the time so it wasn’t that far. From the UK while living here it would have to be Bosnia, I think.

Who has the craziest exes?
Neither of us have truly ‘crazy’ exes but my ex-boyfriend became a little unbalanced after we broke up. I started dating TNH very shortly afterwards and didn’t want to hurt my ex by telling him I was dating someone new so soon. TNH and I had both just dropped some acid and were on our way out the door when my in-the-Navy-and-loves-a-good-fight ex showed up on my doorstep, demanding an explanation for why I dumped him. I made TNH hide inside while I tried desperately to get rid of him before I started laughing uncontrollably or tracing rainbows on his face. He left in the nick of time.

Who has the worst temper?
I have destroyed a computer monitor, a filing cabinet, a toiletries tower and a metal bin while in a rage. I think it’s safe to say I do.

Who does the cooking?
90% him. He even makes my sandwiches for me on the weekends.

Who is the neat-freak?
I actually get turned on when I see TNH cleaning without being asked.

Who is more stubborn?
Me. By a long shot.

Who hogs the bed?
Him. All 6′4″ with super-long legs of him. I, on the other hand, can sleep on a strip of bed the size of Nicole Richie’s thigh.

Who wakes up earlier?
It was me for a loooong time but for a few months now he’s been getting up early with The Noble Child and letting me sleep a bit later since I’m up with the baby in the middle of the night a couple times.

Where was your first date?
Our first date alone (not in a group at the pub) was at a Mexican restaurant in Germany for my birthday, followed by shots of tequila and whiskey at a rowdy Irish bar. He had to come find me passed out in the toilets a little while later. Romantic, eh?

Who is more jealous?
I was quite jealous when we were in our long-distance relationship but I was only 19 at the time so it’s not surprising, really. Now neither of us are. Not a jot.

How long did it take to get serious?
As long as it took for the third ecstasy tablet to kick in. Ba-dum-dum! Just a little joke, people. I’d say about a month.

Who eats more?
He can eat more at one sitting but I’m a snacker. I eat all day long.

Who does the laundry?
Me. He tries to help sometimes but it usually just creates more work for me because everything gets all wrinkly and then I have to iron, which I avoid at all costs. Besides, laundry is something I don’t actually mind doing. There’s something cathartic about folding clothes.

Who’s better with the computer?
He’s the IT professional. I am merely a ‘user’.

Who drives when you are together?
He doesn’t have a driver’s license in the UK so right now it’s always me. Though when we lived in the US and both drove, we would get into some godawful fights when he was behind the wheel so I tried to drive whenever possible.

I tag A Free Man, Charlotte, More Than Just a Mother, Strawberry, and Courtney.

• Memes , Til Death Do Us Part
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NS February 18th, 2009

Trying to put together one of those crappy Kinder Egg toys while your 2-year-old stands over you shouting, “Come on, Mummy! Do it! Come ON!”

How can a toy that is worth approximately .02 pence and undoubtedly made by other 2-year-olds in Taiwanese and Bangladeshi sweat shops be so complicated? Must start steering TNC away from confectionary section at the shop and towards the much safer biscuit aisle. At least I can open a packet of chocolate chip cookies without feeling like a failure.

• Antics of The Noble Child , Funny Ha-Ha
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