NS September 6th, 2008
I haven’t written in quite awhile. It’s unlike me to be quiet for so long but as you can imagine I’ve got a ton on my mind, what with my due date approaching like a freight train. T-minus two weeks and counting.
As the big event nears I find myself feeling an odd mixture of emotions: excitement (to experience birth again and meet my baby), trepidation (at becoming a mother of two and dealing with the newborn stage again), loss (of the one-on-one relationship with my daughter), joy (at falling in love with a new little person) and most of all — the intense desire to be alone. All I’ve wanted to do for the past week or two is read, take baths, sleep and get lost in my thoughts. When I get free time I don’t want to go shopping or meet up with friends or watch a movie with TNH, I want to be by myself. I enjoy my own company and like spending time alone. Don’t get me wrong, I love the people in my life and am not wanting to cut them off or anything, and I’m not depressed, but a knot of fear has been growing in my stomach like a vine, creeping up and up and up, and out and over me, its thorny leaves pricking me and taunting me, threatening me with the possibility of strangulation. Will ‘Motherhood: Round Two’ take away a piece of me, change me, suffocate me? Will the sleep deprivation and constantly being needed take their toll on my psyche, my personality, my soul? How will I cope with a strong-willed and stubborn toddler and a mewling, helpless infant?
These are questions I’m sure many, many mothers have asked themselves at this stage of pregnancy so I don’t pretend to be facing unforeseen obstacles. I knew it would be hard and I knew I would go through this stage. The funny thing is, I’m looking forward to it almost as much as I’m dreading it. I can’t wait to hold a tiny baby in my arms and look down at its cupid-bow lips, flailing arms and eyes as enchanting and placid as the deep blue sea, holding it close to my heart and feel it nuzzle into me, need me, be nourished by me. In a way, that vine of fear is needed and natural because without it I wouldn’t appreciate the beautiful blooms it produces once it reaches the surface.
Yeah, that makes zero sense, I know. Essentially, all I’m trying to say is that I’m using this time, this calm before the (lovely) storm, to shore up my mental energy, mourn the loss of a life being left behind and celebrate the one to come.
In addition to preparing for my new role and life, I’m also consumed with thoughts of the impending labour and birth. As you already know if you’re a regular reader, I am planning to have the baby at home, in the water, and am very excited about it. I’m actually looking forward to giving birth, not dreading it. I won’t relish the pain, certainly, and it will undoubtedly be a bit of a rollercoaster ride. But bringing this baby into the world with my own body, my own two hands, clear of mind and free from the anonymity and fear that birthing in a hospital, hooked up to machines and pumped full of drugs, can put upon a woman — it would be a healing, almost spiritual experience for me. That may sound strange coming from a hardcore atheist and probably one of the most non-spiritual people you could meet, but maybe I’m more spiritual than I thought. Maybe my attempt to connect with all of womankind in an act so primal, so timeless and infinite, is a journey I need to go on to find that piece of myself I’m searching for. I hope to find the kind of empowerment that would undoubtedly come from doing something so amazing on my own and to use that empowerment to better myself not only as a mother right now but as a person who goes out and gets what she wants and what she deserves, always.
I must do these things, all by myself. And so that is where my energies are focused right now, where they need to be. So don’t think that I’ve given up on writing and connecting, or that I’ve nothing to say. This is just the calm before the storm. Be assured, I’ll come out the other side of this tempest, hopefully stronger than ever.
