Chopping down trees in the dark
NS July 3rd, 2008
(aka ‘A Guide To Trimming Your Pubic Hair While Pregnant)
Step 1: Give husband/partner/rude stranger at swimming pool a slap when they mention the forest down below
Step 2: After indignation wears off, grab a hand mirror and have a look for yourself
Step 3: Pick self up off floor and splash cold water onto face
Step 4: Gather necessary tools for weeding/pruning/edging and lock bathroom door
Step 5: Put ‘Welcome To The Jungle’ on the stereo
Step 6: With a grimace and a prayer and the aid of a hand mirror, attempt to weed-whack your way through to a recognisable surface
Step 7: Realise the hand mirror is bloody useless and glare at the protruding belly blocking your view
Step 8: Blindly grasp little tufts of hair between two fingers and try to cut by ‘feel’
Step 9: Come perilously close to nicking most delicate parts with sharp little scissors and decide that’s enough
Step 10: Lather up bikini line and grip lady razor in dominant hand; use other hand in a futile attempt to push belly aside for better view
Step 11: Using edges of bath and all available grips, contort self into strange positions for the shaving portion of the event
Step 12: Swear, mutter and think murderous thoughts of everyone who is non-pregnant
Step 13: Nearly slip and envision the headlines after your death: “Hairy, knocked-up idiot falls to death in shower”
Step 14: Wash the shaving cream away, put the razor away and dry off
Step 15: Inform husband/partner/stranger at pool that natural is in now and that if they mention it again you will serve them placenta stew without their knowledge
Step 16: Go eat chocolate cake
- Funny Ha-Ha , Public Service Announcements , The Noble Fetus
- Comments(10)
this sounds almost the same as my routine… except i don’t even have a pregnant belly to contend with!
oh, this is too good. every guy should have to read this in order to try to understand what we women go through in the name of hair removal, especially those who have to battle a pregnant belly to do so!
LMAO!! I quite stupidly did this before heading to the hospital to give birth! I didn’t want anyone having a peek to freak out at my murderous, out-of-control bush. LOL Not an easy feat at 40 weeks. I still vividly remember balancing a mirror on the tub edge and trying to steady myself to get a better look. Gah!! There’s no dignity when pregnant. haha
Eric Clapton was right… let it grow.
I have a friend who has a fantastic ‘Helpful Husband with Nair, pre-birth’ story …..
This is too funny and actually something I’ve been wondering about when the time comes…I’ll appreciate the ease with which I can groom for the forseeable future…
Lisa, your friend’s story sounds dangerous! I would never let my husband anywhere near me with Nair. I’m even wary of letting him help with a basic tidy-up. There’s just something terrifying about a man with a sharp instrument near your most delicate parts. Gah!
Dear Lord! Tell him he’s lucky to see it at all. If my husband dared to comment on mine I’d put it away for a loooong time.
I so hear you. When I had the C they shaved me a bit – they’re kind like that, they make it so the scar’s in your hair rather than on your tummy… like you’ll ever wear a bikini again but hey… The only joke I managed before I went into shock was to suggest they trimmed the sides while they were down there. Nobody noticed it though.
Cheers
BC
LOL! I had a similar experience only I let it go way too long (in both senses of the word!) and I ended up having to ask my husband to help because I simply couldn’t manage. Nor I could I face going into labor looking like a wile woman. I was about 34 weeks and it was a mortifying experience — so much so that I didn’t even worry that he was wielding scissors in such a sensitive area.