NS July 3rd, 2008

(aka ‘A Guide To Trimming Your Pubic Hair While Pregnant)

Step 1: Give husband/partner/rude stranger at swimming pool a slap when they mention the forest down below

Step 2: After indignation wears off, grab a hand mirror and have a look for yourself

Step 3: Pick self up off floor and splash cold water onto face

Step 4: Gather necessary tools for weeding/pruning/edging and lock bathroom door

Step 5: Put ‘Welcome To The Jungle’ on the stereo

Step 6: With a grimace and a prayer and the aid of a hand mirror, attempt to weed-whack your way through to a recognisable surface

Step 7: Realise the hand mirror is bloody useless and glare at the protruding belly blocking your view

Step 8: Blindly grasp little tufts of hair between two fingers and try to cut by ‘feel’

Step 9: Come perilously close to nicking most delicate parts with sharp little scissors and decide that’s enough

Step 10: Lather up bikini line and grip lady razor in dominant hand; use other hand in a futile attempt to push belly aside for better view

Step 11: Using edges of bath and all available grips, contort self into strange positions for the shaving portion of the event

Step 12: Swear, mutter and think murderous thoughts of everyone who is non-pregnant

Step 13: Nearly slip and envision the headlines after your death: “Hairy, knocked-up idiot falls to death in shower”

Step 14: Wash the shaving cream away, put the razor away and dry off

Step 15: Inform husband/partner/stranger at pool that natural is in now and that if they mention it again you will serve them placenta stew without their knowledge

Step 16: Go eat chocolate cake

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NS July 3rd, 2008

Okay, not really, but I’ve run out of clever titles for these things so you’re getting a random number this time. I was tagged by Andrea to do this one.

what was i doing 10 years ago?

I was in Germany on my first trip abroad and had just recently met TNH. I went to Amsterdam for the first time on this weekend 10 years ago. One word to sum up the trip: crazy. Oh, and disorganized. Our group got split up before we’d even left the station, some of us bought the wrong tickets, I forgot my passport at home, we had no hotel booked and discovered there weren’t any available due to it being the World Cup and the height of tourist season, I got mugged twice on the same day, we got too stoned to walk or form a sentence and then slept in various train stations/parks/hostel floors until it was time to leave.

5 things on my to-do list today

1. Make a dentist appointment
2. Get an interview for my story
3. Dust and clean windows
4. Try not to think uncharitable thoughts about my trashy neighbour
5. Avoid sugar-laden treats

Snacks I enjoy

Unhealthy variety:
Snyder’s honey mustard and onion pretzel pieces (damn you, Jen, for turning me onto these!)
Sour cream and chive pretzels
Cheesecake

Healthier options:
Greek yoghurt with fresh raspberries
Dried fruit
Olives

Places I have lived, in order

Charlestown, Indiana
Bloomington, Indiana
Wiesbaden, Germany (though only for a few months)
Indianapolis, Indiana
London, England

5 things I would do today if I were a billionaire

1. Help out my friends and family who need it
2. Donate a boatload to charity
3. Put a savings account and investment fund into place for ourselves and our children’s futures
4. Buy a slightly bigger house or add onto and redecorate our existing one
5. Go traveling and visit family overseas whenever I like
6. (the silly, frivolous one) — Buy a lifetime supply of Claussen baby dill pickles

I’ve stopped tagging people on memes for the most part as whoever wants to do it can.

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