The greed that stole Christmas
NS December 18th, 2007
One week until Christmas and I am broke. Brokeity broke broke. Yesterday I was forced to dig into the money I was saving for a long weekend in Germany this summer, where TNH and I met. The flight and hotel package was supposed to be our gift to each other. Now it looks like it won’t happen because we’ve had to spend it on Christmas for everyone else and all of the food, drink, going out and gifts that encompass the season. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved seeing friends and family and have had a lovely time catching up with everyone. My sister is visiting for two weeks and I am absolutely thrilled to have her here. I love meeting up with friends and going for meals or drinks. But the fact is, I shouldn’t be doing it. I can’t afford it.
I know that no one forced us to spend this money and that we should have budgeted better so that we didn’t have to dip into our vacation fund, but Christmas spirals out of control every year and leaves us screwed for at least two months while we try to recover. We simply don’t have the extra money to spend. We live on one salary and are barely making it as it is. But to stay at home and not participate in the holiday just like everyone else is too depressing to bear, at least for TNH. The thought of not going out to the pub with friends or for the big Christmas restaurant meal our group does every year, of not exchanging gifts with anyone — it would be the lowest depths of despair for him. I’m not as bothered but it would drive him mad and therefore me as well. I’d never hear the end of the moaning about how our lives suck and we’re poor and woe is us. I’d almost rather be in financial ruin than listen to the complaints every day for two months.
It makes me question why we even perform these pointless rituals and leaves me saddened at how materialistic it has all gotten. I would love to give people used or handmade gifts but feel like a cheapskate when I hand over a used book and a handmade card and get handed a brand new shiny thing in return. Next year, I’d like to declare a moratorium on gift-giving or demand that everyone either make the gifts or find them secondhand. But I know I can’t do that because it’s rude and makes a big deal about money and sets parameters about gift-giving which is tacky in many people’s minds. Etiquette dictates that we don’t mention money or how much things cost. But that silence may be the very reason why Christmas has turned into Consumerism Day — everyone thinks that everyone else can afford it and are doing just fine when, in fact, nearly everyone is just as screwed as each other.
After I withdrew my vacation funds and said goodbye to the long weekend in Germany that was meant to commemorate a decade of happiness and love with my husband, I trawled the charity shops for scarves, hats and gloves. I managed to get three of each item, all in excellent condition, for under £10. Ten bloody quid on nine items. Today, I will go to the 99p store (same concept as a dollar store) and buy the same amount of toiletries and then go to the store and buy a big handful or chocolate bars at 50p each. All together, I will spend about £25 on ten gifts for people I’ve never even met. The sad part is that there is no doubt in my mind that the homeless men and women who receive these gifts will appreciate it and won’t be looking at the tags wondering if it’s used and be appalled and judgmental when they see that it is. That’s because we expect people with nothing to be happy with anything they receive. And so I suppose the opposite applies as well — those with everything are never happy with nothing. Is that what Christmas is really supposed to be about?
When I mentioned to TNH that I might want to forgo gift-giving next year and severely curtail the social engagements, he reminded me that our families love giving us gifts and that especially with The Noble Child around, there is no way we can tell people not to give us, or at least her, anything at all. Even when people are understanding about adults not wanting to exchange gifts, they always say “It’s just about the kids, really. The kids will still have gifts, of course.” But I still don’t see the logic. Why should children grow up learning to be spoiled and to expect a ton of gifts on certain calendar days? I understand that adults like to show their affection for children in their lives by getting them things that bring them joy, but why for only one day of the year? Personally, I think it would be a better lesson and a much nicer sentiment if there were little things over the course of the year instead of a cascade at the end.
I know I can’t change centuries of tradition and order and I don’t want to alter the holiday to where it’s no longer recognizable –I’m not a total Scrooge; there are things I love about the season — but something has to change. Christmas is spinning out of control and until it gets back on its axis, I want to get off.
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I second everything you say here. Christmas is over-emphasized. The only adult I regularly give a gift to is my husband, otherwise we buy a few presents for our children and that’s it. This year, because we’ve all been sick, I’ve had to do all our shopping online and that has really helped with impulse buys (to which I am susceptible). Funny also, that this year is the first year I don’t feel we have over-extended ourselves financially.
I hope that the money turns up from somewhere so that you and TNH get to have your romantic holiday away!
I hear you, man. Every year I hand-make gifts (homemade liqueurs this year, a DVD copy of the hard-to-find and hilarious “A Star Wars Christmas Special” another year), and every year I know that there are people who get my lovingly crafted gift and think “Nice, cheapo.”
Thank you. I’ve curtailed gift-giving — I don’t mind the giving as much as receiving a bunch of stuff I’ll never use. But I do buy for the kids as I feel like a right grinch if I don’t–yet I agree that I hate the ‘gimme’ attitude it seems to breed. Right now we have three gifts under the tree from my MIL. Three gifts look lovely under a tree. 50 gifts, spilling out and piling on top of each other don’t.
we’ve managed to get off the gift-giving merry-go-round for almost everybody, and i’m soo sooo glad. instead, we’re having quiet meals with our friends *in place* of gifts, rather than on top of gifts. memories are priceless anyway.
i totally won’t think you’re a cheapskate if you don’t want to do presents next year! in fact, i hereby decree it!
I hear you.
I did mostly handmade this year, besides DP, FIL and Stepdad’s gifts because I know that if I did get them something handmade it would just go to waste. But somehow I’m still frustrated… despite going handmade, I still spent far too much money. If I hadn’t spread the gift buying out over the course of four months, I wouldn’t have money for food this month. And because my dad helps me out financially, I feel like I really have to impress him. I was thinking about what I would do next year and even if I budgeted $20 on each person I “have” to get gifts for, I’d be spending a ton of money between my mom’s family and stepdads three kids, my dads family, siblings, my in-laws and all the other aunts and uncles and random people who pop up and all give me wonderful gifts. I feel like I have to reciprocate.
I feel the same way about telling people not to get us gifts… that is just so taboo to most people. It goes against the “spirit of giving”. One thing I thought of doing is donating a couple hundred dollars to a charity, and getting everyone a nice card that says “instead of spending tons of money on gifts, I’ve put that money toward a good cause”. But I feel as though people will despise that. How crazy is that? Nonetheless, I may do it anyway.
I have adopted a tradition of giving gifts of time, even though they often involve money somewhere downt the line that is not the purpose. For example last year for my grandfathers birthday I went to a museum with him and my grandmother and we took pictures and had just enjoyed spending time together and this year (as with last) for christmas I am going to give my grandma a card that says I will take her to tea sometime in January. I enjoy this much more then buying her a scarf she will most likely only wear when I am around!!
Charlotte, that’s what I hope to do next year — only exchange gifts with my husband and daughter. How do you handle other family members and friends who insist on giving a gift and how do you even broach the subject with them?
Kelly — homemade liqueurs? That is a fantastic gift! Yum.
Sarah — We can’t put any gifts under the tree this year due to a toddler and a kitten being in the house. It seems kind of weird without anything there but it’s kind of nice too. We just look at and enjoy the pretty tree without always being reminded of the gifts.
Jen — yeah, but I still won’t forget your birthday.
Chloe — I know exactly what you mean. And there are always more people to buy for than you think at the beginning of the season. I like the idea of giving some money to charity in the giftee’s name. If this Gift The Homeless project goes well, I will probably ask for donations to do it again next year instead of gifts from others and also put up some of the money I would’ve spent on gifts into it. But I’m sure it will be uncomfortable and awkward telling family members and friends.
Coastalfriend — What a fantastic idea! I love it. That’s exactly the kind of thing I’d like to do instead of gifting everyone all at once.
Amen!!
I hear you. This year I don’t feel so much extended financially – I tried to curtail that this year – but I feel overextended in terms of travel. Every year we end up on the road visiting people for well over a week, taking up vacation time and spending money, and no matter how many times I tell myself this year I will relax, enjoy, go with the flow, it never really works out that well and I end up tense, tired and feeling ill for the new year…
I hear you on the presents, it’s interesting how many people it is stressing, or at least, how many people are beginning to admit to being stressed now! If it’s any consolation, like TNH, Mr BC has his own ideas which can sometimes vary with mine.
I think it’s just one of those things where as a kid you get what you wish for and as an adult you spend your time delivering other people’s wishes at the expense of your own…
We always end up doing the road trip thing, like Courtney. We tried Christmas in our own home twice, once for each set of parents. It was like a bad farce!
I sympathise with the cash thing, too, I was perennially skint when I lived in London and I remember how it felt to end up watching all my carefully saved holiday/car (whatever) money disappearing every Christmas because I felt obliged…
I hope, in the end, it’s a good one.
Cheers
BC
Your father and I were just discussing how we could try to make a change with the whole family at Christmas. We would like to propose that in lieu of gifts exchanged between his siblings and mine that we should have a charity exchange. We could all write down the charity of our choice, mix them up, and draw. We could then have a “Secret Charity” to donate to or volunteer for throughout the year. Then at our Christmas gathering we could reveal who’s charity we drew and what we did to help out. It could be as simple as a couple of donations during the year or participating in a fund-raising walk or volunteering to work in the charity office as often as one’s time allows. This would allow us to honor the person whose charity we drew, to do something good for those in need, and to keep the spirit of Christmas. The bonus would be that there would be no rush at the end of the year to buy all those gifts that most people really can’t afford.
Another idea I would like to propose is a letter exchange between our family members and our closest friends. The written word is so much more powerful than any store-bought gift. Letters have been treasured and saved and passed down for generations. What a gift it would be to have each of our children write to us and for us to write to our children about what we each mean in each other’s lives. The same holds true for our dearest friends. We often go through our lives without really ever telling the people we love the most just how much they mean to us. I can’t think of a better gift.
So here’s to a wonderful new year and the taking back of Christmas!
i LOVE the ‘secret charity’ idea, lyn! that’s a great idea! perhaps i’ll have to get something like that started with my family, or even close friends! and how great when some people like to “out-do” the others – it will reap even more benefit for charities!! great idea!
Adam – keep in mind that it shouldn’t be a contest or it may cause even more stress than buying gifts. When revealing what you did for the charity I would recommend that it remain a simple “I donated some money” or “I volunteered at …. event” so you are not upstaging someone else who may not have as much to give. But, yes, some people may naturally give it all they can and that is good for the charities. And everyone involved may learn more about those organizations and what services they provide. Maybe this idea will catch on so a lot of families/friends will do the same and pass it on to someone else who starts their own exchange, etc. Who knows how we can change Christmas!