Baby in a…
NS December 5th, 2007
It has come to my attention today that at some hospitals in the US, all babies born in the labour wards in the month of December are weighed, measured, cleaned and rubbed, as per normal procedure, and then wrapped not in a blanket but a Christmas stocking. Can you imagine trying to stuff a squirming, wriggling, crying newborn baby into a large red sock and sticking a bow on its head?! And can you image anything more twee or nauseating? It’s like Precious Moments, Ann Geddes and a visit to the shopping mall Santa all rolled into one sickly sweet mess. Except for in a delivery room. Who the hell thinks this is “cute?” I’m certain that the mother who just pushed the darling little 8 lb. melon out doesn’t give a FUCK what the kid is handed to her in so long as she gets to rest for all of five minutes before she’s expected to become a functioning parent.
But why stop at babies in stockings? Why not have a theme for each month and every major holiday, so no one feels excluded? After all, babies are here merely for our amusement and are practically like living dolls that we get to dress up, order around and show off to all our friends, right? And don’t even bother to say “But what if you’re not Christian and/or don’t want your kid stuffed into a little red sack shaped like a foot and with scratchy, faux fur trim?” because the answer will be “Get over yourself, you PC-crazed liberal-lunatic Grinch! Guh-awd.”
So here we are, a complete listing of offensive ideas for each month’s Newborn Baby Pointless Humiliation Outfit:
January
- Dressed as an olive and plopped into giant martini glasses to celebrate the New Year
- Wrapped in ‘I Have A Dream’ blanket and riot gear to celebrate MLK Jr. Day
- Tied to a string with a big key and a kite attached to celebrate Ben Franklin’s birthday
February
- Wrapped in a loin cloth and given a bow and arrow for Valentine’s Day
- Wrapped in an eggroll and dipped in sweet and sour sauce for Chinese New Year
- Rolled in soot to celebrate Ash Wednesday
- Fake Abe Lincoln beard glued on for Presidents Day
March
- Cradled in a fake hand for Palm Sunday
- Resting on a four-leaf clover or in a trough of Guinness for St. Patrick’s Day
- Stuffed into a big egg painted in pastel colours for Easter
April
- With gold chains and a mohawk, a la Mr T, for April (I pity the) Fool’s Day
- Potted as a plant for Earth Day
- With an IRS tax return form stapled to its head for the income tax filing deadline
May
- Rolled up as a burrito and with a mustache for Cinco de Mayo
- At the helm of a mini tank for Armed Forces Day
June
- Wrapped in the Confederate flag for Flag Day
- Dressed as Babe the Blue Ox for Paul Bunyan Day
July
- Strapped to a self-propelled rocket for Independence Day
- Dunked in a jar of maple syrup and with a hockey puck between its lips for Canada Day
- Dressed as a french fry for Bastille Day
August
- Perched atop a burning bra for Women’s Equality Day
- Robed as the Virgin Mary for Assumption Day
September
- Fitted with a turban for Ramadan
- Dressed in an Abu Ghraib prison guard uniform for Patriot Day
- Placed in a migrant fruit picker’s basket for Labor Day
- Placed in front of a slot machine and with a tomahawk for Native American Day
- Shipped in from the nursery on a model Santa Maria for Columbus Day
- Rolled in on piles of money with a tiara on for Yom Kippur
- Stuffed into a pumpkin or strapped to a broomstick for Halloween
November
- Rolled in gunpowder for Guy Fawkes Day
- Taken to the PTSD ward for Veterans/Remembrance/Armistice Day
- Placed into the body cavity of a raw 12 lb. turkey for Thanksgiving
December
- Speared onto a menorah for Hanukkah
- And, of course, the Christmas stocking
Doesn’t it make you want to get pregnant?
