Walking in a useless crap wonderland
NS November 1st, 2007
The Noble Husband and I were laughing the other night while watching Dragon’s Den (a UK tv show where contestants are entrepreneurs pitching their ideas to a group of wealthy investors in the hopes that they will see the genius of their products and give them truckloads of cash to pursue its production and sale) because one of the products being pitched was this thing called a SHUC, the ‘shower head holder upper’. Seriously, that’s what it’s called. It’s essentially a piece of plastic with suction cups on the back so you can place the shower head on it when you’re washing your hair over the side of the tub or find yourself otherwise stranded holding a shower head but with no shower head holder-upper (I love that this appears to be its technical term). As if this is a regular occurrence, even. What kind of idiot can’t just turn the water off or lay it down at the bottom of the tub or, better yet, just stand in the bleedin’ shower and use the holder already there?
Thankfully, the dragons (investors) decided not to give any cash to this insane woman and told her to get the hell outta there. Finally, someone was talking sense! I mean, there is a LOT of useless crap out there but sometimes these ‘inventors’ need to be smacked down and told ‘No, your stupid product will NOT invade our shelves and tv screens.’ I can almost hear the strains of “We’re Not Gonna Take It, Anymore” playing in the background.
Take, for example, this lovely little gem of a product: the cordless OneTouch Can Opener. Place it on the can, press a button and POOF! the can opens all by itself with no wrist turning, twisting, or any kind of movement on your part. Hell, you could even stop breathing and pass out if you want, that’s how little you have to do.
Amused by these funny products because they’re not nearly as prominently or persistently marketed here as in the US where ads for this kind of stuff are on every minute of every day (and therefore not so funny), I did a Google search for ‘useless crap products’. One of the first hits was on Amazon.co.uk so I clicked with interest, thinking there was perhaps a book with that title, all about reducing consumer waste and ridding ourselves of these gadgets. But this is what came up instead.
No books on consumerism, just an actual listing of products sold on their website that, somehow, have been tagged as ‘useless crap’ by what I can only assume are the user reviews and not staff at Amazon itself. I really love that on the first item, the cordless phone, it lists the associated tags as ‘useless crap’ (3), ‘motorola’ (1), ‘cordless phone’ (2) and ‘phone’ (1). So more people will find that phone by searching for ‘useless crap’ than they will if they search for ‘phone’. That’s priceless. I wonder how Motorola feels about this?
My real favorite from this page though is the sex book for men entitled “Scientifically Guaranteed Male Multiple Orgasms and Ultimate Sex: Restart natural penis enlargement, Eliminate forever premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, impotence and Enjoy daily orgasms.” Um, first of all, since when did male multiple orgasms become an issue that needs addressing? Shouldn’t we be helping the ladies to get their rocks off even once before we start cranking up the spank-o-meter for the fellas?
And secondly, it’s spam, but in a book! Wow, I didn’t know these sex companies had gone all old school and reverted back to the ancient ‘paper’ method for unleashing their remedies and helpful hints on everyone. What next, a book on Amazon entitled “Lonely? Want talk? You call Sveta for hot good times, no? I make your dreams cum true”? Or perhaps “Do you want to help a Nigerian businessman fulfill his American dream and be a good Christian at the same time? Got $50k laying around? Are you elderly, computer illiterate and unsupervised in your care home? Dr Shalalalala has just the solution!”
Ah, useless crap. What would we laugh at if we didn’t have you?
