Anger destroys her
NS October 16th, 2007
Hello. My name is Noble Savage and I have an anger problem.
On days like today, when indescribable rage rises in my chest like a fist, punching its way through my rational, sensitive and usually positive self, I feel like such a failure. On days like today I am a shitty mother, one who yells at her child for no reason other than just wanting to be left alone. On days like today, I hold my baby and rock her in my lap, tears streaming down both of our faces as I breathe her in, kiss her head and tell her “Mama’s sorry, she didn’t mean to yell and be horrible.” On days like today, I am scared of my anger and where it came from. I am even more scared of where it could lead.
I was not physically abused, nor did I ever witness it. But I did inherit my mother’s temper (maybe all stressed out mothers’ tempers?) and it’s scary how quickly I can go from Zen to Boiling in ten seconds flat. What do I have to be angry about? There are millions and millions of people way worse off than me, with far greater problems and stresses. I feel like such a pathetic loser when I whine about trying to juggle the cleaning with the painting and the kiddo with the husband and the errands with my writing. Maybe I should tape up a picture of a refugee in Darfur to my fridge so I can get some perspective.
I have become that which I despise — a young, white, middle-class housewife who is angry that all of her perfect little dreams haven’t worked out yet, or maybe never will. All I would need to complete the cliche is to start drinking gin (neat, with a twist) at noon while still in my slippers and have an affair with the plumber.
I know many people don’t like to talk about their anger, especially mothers, because we think it should be so easy to make it dissolve, like putting Alza Seltzer into a glass of water and hey presto! your anger hangover is gone, absolved as if by a priest. Perhaps though, for an atheist like me in the modern world, a blog post serves as a better confessional than any church could provide. This is my shelter, my touchstone. When I sit down to ‘confess’, I touch the keys in reverence and reflection, much like I imagine a devout old woman runs her hands over knots of wood in familiar pews, the skin on her palms as thin as paper, as she kneels in genuflection.
But do I write this for selfish reasons, to be told I’m ‘normal’ and that it’s okay to be angry? That everyone does it and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself? Because I don’t want that. I just want to know how to make it stop. I need it to be better for my daughter. It has to be better. I refuse to accept anything less.
This is the dark side of motherhood that nobody talks about. This is my dark side and I will talk about it because without that, I have no hope of overcoming it.
- Parenting 101 , Squish Squish
- Comments(16)
Don’t want to be told you are normal? Too bad, you are. But you are right about needing to know how to make it stop. But part of me wonders (since I am not there to see it with my own eyes) if you are being more harsh on yourself then necessary?
Ever think about seeing a therapist?
Can you arrange a night out for yourself to unwind?
When you feel the rage coming, do you feel like you are out of control?
If you have some control left, does walking in a circle, deep breathing, or chanting a mantra help? “This is a small matter…this is a small matter”
These things help me
Thanks Moxie Mom. Yeah, I probably am being a bit hard on myself. I tend to write at the height of my emotions and once I’ve calmed down a bit I can see that I was being a tad dramatic. But still, the issue remains. I have to learn better coping mechanisms.
I think a therapist would be beneficial, though I’d settle for a good book recommendation at the moment. With my busy schedule and dwindling bank account, I doubt a trip to the shrink will be happening anytime soon.
I do get the odd night out, I just had one last weekend with a good friend. I think it’s more about the long, monotonous days alone with my daughter. We’ve just recently moved to a new town so I can’t just pop down the road to see a friend or go for a coffee or the playgroups we used to go to. Even though I’m only a few miles from where we were before, without a car the distance seems a lot greater. I have started going to two playgroup type things at the library though, so maybe I’ll get a new friend or two out of that.
I do sometimes feel out of control but not massively so. Short bursts of irrational anger is more like it. I just need to learn some of the things you mentioned — breathing, walking, etc.. I’m really going to give that a go.
Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it.
One thing that helps me is to tell the anger to go away. As you feel it rising up, just take a deep breath and say, “I don’t need you right now. Go away.” Weird as it sounds, I find it often *does* go away. I think it helps that it doesn’t sound like I am banning it forever, just for now. Somehow, that makes my subconscious feel like it *will* be allowed to be angry later, so it is able to handle not being angry now.
As a cheap and easy method, have you ever tried meditating? If I can do this for even a few minutes in the morning, I feel much more “even” throughout the day. There are lots of podcasts related to meditation. Of course, the trick is being able to spend 5 quiet minutes…
Oh god, I need to pull up some of my archives for you. I actually do have some abuse in my history, but have a really nice life now and the anger bubbles out of nowhere. And I hate it b/c Declan and Bryan deserve so much better!
I am therapy, initially for uncontrollable night terrors, now just cause it keeps me sane and LITERALLY just today she and I were talking about anger coming out of nowhere.
I obviously have not solved my issues yet, but I do find even just talking about it helps. Recognizing that you do it, that you are human.
My therapist always tells me that every emotion is valid, real and OK – it’s what we do with it that matters.
you’re certainly are not abnormal. while i’m not a mother, i can understand where that kind of frustration and build up of anger can come from. i’ve sometimes experienced that same feeling, usually when thing after thing just doesn’t seem to be going right and the most minor of issues breaks the proverbial camel’s back. i have a tendencey to throw shoes or bury my head in my pillow and scream. granted, these fits very rarely happen, but when the occasional rage does set it, it’s an unsettling feeling, at best. i’ve found that putting on my ipod and tuning into something really good (for me just about any ryan adams will do the trick) and losing myself in the music helps everything subside and return my emotions to a normal state.
that said, never underestimate the power of venting. you know you can call me anytime, day or night, if you need to blow off some steam, even if the reason you felt angry seems like the most inconsequential thing after the dust settles. chin up, sis.
“I was not physically abused, nor did I ever witness it.”
No, but losing a sibling at such a young and emotionally fragile age could be a factor.
You’re brave to face your anger. It sounds to me as if you need a break, some time for yourself alone. Is that possible? Can you have a few days to yourself?
Having grown up in a family where I never saw anger (it was thoroughly repressed), my own scares the living daylights out of me. I feel most angry when I feel deserted, when I feel as if I am juggling everything and no-one is helping me. I have had to learn to ask for help and I’m still not great at that.
Nothing has forced me to confront my feelings more than having children. If I do succumb to a huge wave of anger – and I do – I do apologise to them. I believe that they need to know that in families we sometimes have bad feelings, but that we apologise to each other, kiss each other and then start again. I need my kids to know that anger isn’t the end of life as we know it, that it is an authentic emotion we all have and that we can pick ourselves up afterwards and carry on.
Strawberry, Jen and Aimee — yes, meditation and breathing exercises, I need to start doing these. I will do some research online or in the library today.
Tabitha — yes, possibly. Probably. Most likely.
Charlotte — A break. Hmm. Not really. I have to go hell for leather this weekend on our dining room to get it finished in time for our housewarming party the following week. Which I also have to organise, complete with costumes for myself, Noble Husband and Noble Child. After that, possibly. Maybe in November. My mother-in-law does usually have Amelia for a good few hours once a week but in the last few weeks I’ve been using that time to clean or paint or do other household things that need doing. After this dining room is finished, I am going to take a house hiatus though. More me time!
What I’m really looking forward to is my sister arriving in December. I miss her (sorry for the long phone rant yesterday, A!).
no worries, sis! sometimes the best way to get rid of anger is to vent about it. you know you can call me anytime, day or night, and yell, scream, cry or complain. we’ve all been there and it helps to just have someone to talk to.
I’ll email you about this this week, but basically, I think you and I have the same kind of angry-parent childhood background and the same kind of flashpoint/physical anger response. So I have some thoughts if that would be helpful.
Amity…
Anger is a real emotion and very valid, therefore, if you try to stifle it, it will come out anyway some other time. My nature is one that wants to make everything ok at ALL costs. Usually that cost is myself. Or it has been. Hence the reason I see a Buddhist Monk/therapist regularly to help me, ironically, GET angry.
Her advice and other therapists’ advice is to GET angry, but do no harm with it. Throw eggs in the bathtub, or write out a big nasty, curse-filled blog that you do or don’t post. 
. Just allow yourself to feel it, because otherwise it will lie dormant to come out either against yourself or someone else. I do checks of my emotion now days regularly. When I feel “keyed up” and “stressed out” I take note of myself and see what is really going on. Because it’s usually deeper than just a guy at work who’s written a crappy e-mail. And then I just…feel the anger. And if you allow yourself to feel it for a moment….it DOES dissipate. Instead of exploding because it’s being held in your chest so tightly for so long. It sounds like you’ve got a LOT going on right now…and a lot of it is good, yes, but it’s still a lot of change at once. So, do go easy on yourself, ok? 
You sound like a good person and a good mum.
Hey…
I can relate…..totally. I was never abused or witnessed it like you, but yeah, my mom and dad both had nasty tempers and I never learned how to deal with anger.
There is nothing wrong with anger in itself, it’s just what we do with it. Like someone else has said, anger is a valid natural human emotion.
One thing to keep in mind is that you’re in the middle of a move, one of the top 5 most stressfull things that people go through, and you’ve got a toddler on top of that!!
One question to ask yourself is, how do you wish you responded when you felt angry? Get a picture of how you want to be, write it down, and kind of make it your goal. Not a stepford wives sickly sweet unreality image of yourself, but a real, human but rational and controlled image. Then you can maybe unpack what is keeping you from the way you want to be. It could be learned patterns of behaviour deep set in you that you need to unlearn (VERY hard) or it could be rooted in fear of one thing or another (I’m just giving examples)
Anyway…sorry if it sounds like a load of rubbish….i just know i’ve experienced this thing with my husband, and i know it will inevitably come up with DD. One thing to note is if you ever said “I will never be like my mother” (I have) those “inner vows” can be powerful but often unrealistic and actually hinder the process of becoming who we want to be.
Bleh..ok i’ll stop now!
*hugs*
Stacey — yes, please. Emailed tips welcome!
Thank you, Amy and April for sharing your thoughts as well. It all helps me to get perspective and, most importantly, realise that I’m not alone in this.
I think, sometimes, with kids, even if you don’t consciously want to, you fight the change they bring about in your life… somewhere, deep down at some subliminal level, some animal part of you resents the loss of freedom. If you think about this, in relation to the origin of our species, it makes sense.
We’re a hunter gatherer species and when you’re one of those, you can’t afford to be tied down because while hubby hunts, you need to gather, if you are tied, you get stressed and doing so is probably hot wired into your dna. However, in most hunter gatherer communities, even with a child, you aren’t tied to your home in the same way you are here. Partly because you live with extended family, all of whom are happy to look after your child if you need to nip into the forest and pick some berries and partly because the structure of life and activity in a hunter gathering community takes the presence of children into account in a way that the modern world simply doesn’t… it’s not the same for the modern mum who suddenly realises she forgot to pick something up at Tescos.
I would guess it’s something that happens to many, many people as a natural part of motherhood – and I certainly expect it to happen to me. In my case because the idea of becoming the establishment of conforming of becoming a mum (if this one goes full term) frankly scares the living daylights out of me but also because my nature is such that I will always have doubts how well I’m doing as a Mum.
I don’t know how old your little one is but I’m not sure toddlers are the easiest people to reason with, many of my friends confess control is pure luck as much as judgement.
Life with a toddler is bound to be emotionally charged and with that will come explosions. As somebody who used to have quite a lot of tantrums I wish I could help with some useful advice, I can’t really, I got rid of mine by using humour by seeing the funny side, by realising how ridiculous I must look but then, people laugh at me whether I want them to or not so it was far more expedient that I did so.
Like my father before me, I have the temper of the devil, incarnate, but the laughing thing always works and I’ve only been angry, really properly, beyond my sense of humour angry, about four times since I finally got that down pat.
So my not very good advice would be, that yes, I am sure you are normal and I am sure you are not the only one. So ease up on yourself – there’s no point in adding to the pressure. Think about the reasons (as someone else suggested), explore them, see a therapist, seek help, go to anger management or find a counsellor if it will help you deal with the process. In the end, simply knowing you are doing something about it may be enough…
Take care and good luck.
Cheers
BC
Isn’t that what The Feminine Mystique was about, how women love their families deeply but also feel a confining despair and anger? I’m probably totally botching that, having never actually read it. (Obviously I should. Book club!) Anyway, mostly I’m just saying “I hear you sister” and patting your shoulder.