One: the loneliest or loveliest number?
NS October 3rd, 2007
When I think about trying to work from home full or even part time while looking after The Noble Child, I sometimes break out into hives. She’s no longer a baby, she’s a proper toddler (18 months old yesterday) and it’s only in the last few months that I’ve started to feel totally myself again. The first six months of her life were a blur of sleepless nights, tears, frustration, endless breastfeeding, worry and angst. That’s not to say it wasn’t oddly wonderful at the same time or that I hated it, but it was hard. Really hard.
The next six months saw big changes as she learned to sit, crawl, talk and walk and I learned to relax more. I started really enjoying her instead of just trying to get through each day in one piece and with my sanity intact. By the time she reached her first birthday I felt like I was out of the woods and properly initiated into motherhood. The hazing was cruel but I had made it. I could go out with friends in the evenings again, get a full night’s sleep, drink however much I wanted and rely on regular naps in which to get things done during the day. Of course, toddlerdom has its own unique and sometimes equally as frustrating challenges as babyhood, but the feeling that I was doing a whole lot of work for virtually no reward gradually slackened off as my daughter learned to communicate her needs more. She can tell me when she’s thirsty, hungry, cold, sleepy or needing a nappy change now. To know her basic needs are being met leaves me free to concentrate more on her emotional and mental development. And mine as well.
So, because things are going well and I’m enjoying this stage so much, I sometimes think that I’d be happy with just one child. I think of the benefits (more time, energy and resources focused on her and her alone; no more stopping and starting to my career; no sibling rivalry to worry about; not having to be pregnant, give birth and go through the baby stage again, and so on) and dismiss the stereotype of the spoiled, bratty, lonely only child with no social skills and a superiority complex. But then a part of me knows that I will have another child, that I want to experience all of those things one more time, even being pregnant (which was very hard physically for me), giving birth (homebirth next time, please!) and the baby stage (as I’ll appreciate it more not being a total newbie at it the second time around). I also want my daughter to have a shot at knowing the closeness that I share with my sister and what an enrichment siblings can be in our lives. That said, I also know that having a sibling does not automatically mean one will get along with them, or even like them, but I think I’m willing to take that chance on behalf of my child.
Even so, all things considered, I still have doubts. It’s difficult (not to mention terrifying) to make huge decisions like whether to have a child or not and I have admiration for people who make these decisions and then follow them through with their whole hearts. Since TNC wasn’t planned, I’ve never had that light bulb moment of “Oh! I think I’d like a baby now, please. Let’s get it on.” How do people do that? Even something as lovely as deciding to try to create another life is monumentally scary and the questions come zooming into my head. How will I cope with a baby and a toddler? How will I deal with sleep deprivation again? What will I do differently? Will my marriage suffer? Can it cope with that suffering? Can I love another being as much as I love TNC? Will my body change even more? Am I okay with that? What about my career — am I willing to sacrifice that in order to be a good mother to two (or more) children, raising them to my standards?
You can see why my husband wears earplugs to bed.
