NS April 18th, 2007

Oh, this poor woman. To be featured on a well-known local website, with your picture and everything, only to discover that your gleaming smile and dedication to running are NOT the things getting you noticed.

I can only hope that she hadn’t told all of her friends and family about it. I bet her father is really hoping she doesn’t mention it either. Who wants to talk about nipples, especially public viewing of said nipples, with their dad? I had to laugh at two things in the interview though — one, that she claims to not have been drinking since January. Sweetie, start drinking again, pronto. Being sober obviously clouds your mind significantly, enough to make you send in THIS particular photo of yourself for a website to publish. And two, the irony in her answer to the question “Do you have a funny training story you’d like to share?” in which she answered that she didn’t, really. Stephanie, do you ever have a story now!

Okay, I feel kind of bad now. This woman has been embarrassed and I am laughing at that. So just to show that I am an Equal Opportunity Humiliater, I will tell you a few things about me that I’m not crazy about other people knowing.

• When I’m concentrating really hard on something, especially if it involves writing or drawing on paper, I tend to open my mouth and tilt my jaw to the side while I knot my brow. It looks strange as fuck, I’m sure. I used to do it all the time as a kid. I’ve mostly outgrown it now but every now and then I catch myself doing it and thank god that no one has (seemed to) notice, or at least had the decency not to mention it.

• My nickname all throughout high school was Tit, and several variations of that name, including Titty, Titty Monster, Titty Mama and Titster. Don’t ask how I got the name because I’m not going to tell you. But I can guarantee that whatever comes to your dirty little mind will be way more exciting than the real explanation.

• I had to dress up like a fox for a job a couple years ago. Just for a couple hours and only the one time, but working for an animal welfare charity requires some strange things and being the newbie sucks ass. The worst part of this? I had to get on public transportation wearing that hot-ass costume and one of my co-workers had to lead me around because I couldn’t see through the giant fox head. Then I had to pose for a picture with a smarmy, crusty old politician who kept making jokes about me being ‘foxy.’ Did you know that a giant fox head can double as a vomit receptacle?

So there you go. I’m not a mean old bitch who enjoys humiliating others, I’m just sharing and caring, as usual. It’s kind of cathartic, really. Once it’s out there for others to see it’s no longer embarrassing. I can say that though, my shirt isn’t as transparent as Anna Nicole’s motives when she married that billionaire geezer.

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