A Letter To Lisa

NS April 14th, 2007

Dear Lisa,

You are due with your first baby in just over three weeks. The dutiful act of bearing that physical burden is almost over.

Consider pregnancy as a marathon: you start out with all the confidence in the world, running steadily and freely while the finish line is just a speck in the distance. You gain speed and began showing outward signs of your effort. You slow a bit. Fatigue hits and at the halfway mark, the newness erodes and you feel that mid-run slump. You soldier on, your legs carrying you even when your body is crumbling and your mind screaming “what the hell are you doing?!” You mourn a strange sense of loss — of yourself. You are no longer Lisa, running a marathon. You are the marathon and somewhere in there is Lisa. Spectators watch from the sidelines, remarking freely on your physique and ability, how you hold yourself. They speculate and ruminate and don’t bother to whisper, even when their remarks are hurtful and asinine. You keep running.

Only a few miles to go and you think you cannot go on. You down water like a madwoman, trying to squelch a thirst that cannot be quenched. You go into a zone, totally focused on nothing but yourself and your body and your raging heart’s desire to carry on. It has no choice. There is no stopping now. Your breathing, once errant and raspy, becomes steady now. As you crest the hill, you can see the sun just peeking out over the horizon and the ribbon at the finish line fluttering in the breeze. Your body tenses and contracts, ready for the final sprint. Your mind at once embraces and repels the idea of pushing forward in what is the hardest part of the race. It spins and questions and fears. But soon it is quieted by the body, for the body is finishing the race, at the behest of the mind. There is no going back.

A fear may overcome you as things spiral out of your control. Do not be afraid. For the moment your foot falls upon the dirt just beyond the white-chalked line and a jubilant cry of “You’ve done it! You’ve won!”, the joyousness, the triumphant glow of your achievement, will be looking you in the eye. And it will be hungry!

Even though you run alone, I am here every step of the way. I won’t see you cross that finish line but know I will be there in spirit, cheering you on and passing on the eternal love and encouragement of a million years of a million mothers who have run the same race. Each journey is individual and every one is special. Make it yours. Run the race you’ve envisioned in your innermost heart, but also learn to let go if you inadvertently stumble. Be kind to yourself. Stay strong. A journey like no other is upon you, one that encompasses all the realms of ourselves — physical, spiritual, emotional, mental. It’s a hell of a ride, so hang on.

Welcome to motherhood.

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