NS March 30th, 2006

So I know she means well and it really is a practical thing to suggest, but my mother in law rang me the other day to ask if I had thought about protecting my mattress in case my water breaks while I’m in bed. Well, no, I sputtered. Hadn’t really thought about how the mattress feels or who will clean it up if my water does break at night ’cause it sure as hell won’t be me! I sort of thought my job was to give birth to a giant human baby, not go around waterproofing things from what might potentially be a gush of bodily fluids. Besides, the stuff is clear and odorless, apparently, so who cares? It’ll dry. That’s my motto for spillages. I’m not a dabber, sponger or dryer. I use my shoe to rub it in and go about my merry way.

Lo and behold, mother in law shows up with a waterproof sheet to go on my bed. Again, very nice of her, but somewhat humiliating and strange. The fact that she has spent any time at all worrying about my icky fluids ruining her son’s haven of slumber somehow shames me. As we put the sheet on the bed that night, I feel like we might as well spread some towels and newspaper down on the floor in case I decide to be all primitive and just squat in the corner to give birth. Just me, the bitch, and her litter of pups.

Maybe I should put some tarps down over the carpets too…

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