NS October 5th, 2005

Thou hast not seen the fury of a woman denied an overdraft, instant cash, or a correct balance.

The UK banking system leaves a lot to be desired — hell, it leaves everything to be desired. I’d probably be better off keeping my money in pound coins under my mattress. Sure, it would be lumpy and cumbersome, but so are most of the bank tellers who work in this dark and diseased industry.

Grievance #1: Opening an account when you’re not a citizen is about as easy as milking a snake. First, you are told that you must have an apartment, a job, and/or have lived here for a year before you will be granted the holiest-of-holies “The Current Account” (as opposed to a Past or Future account?) Once you finally meet one of these criteria, you are told to bring in your passport, two bills with your current address, the completed forms, a letter from your employer, a pay stub, your tenancy agreement, a character reference, your photo albums, a generous dowry, a monkey, a midget and the blood of a wise man. After they take all of said items from you they disappear into the back room for 3 hours, only to reappear with grim faces and a rejection letter. The monkey is returned but has a pronounced limp. They tell you to try again in 14.5 weeks. And so the process continues.

Grievance #2: The astounding Stone Age-reminescent process of clearing funds. You take a cheque into a bank and deposit it — it takes 4-5 days to clear. You take cash in and it still takes at least one full business day to appear in your account. Someone transfers money to your account through online banking and you both use the same bank — expect a 3 day wait before you see that money.

Why is this? Well, simply put, GREED. The banks make their money off of the interest accumulated on these funds in limbo and no one has ever demanded that they change this practice, so they keep getting away with it. It’s utterly ridiculous, antiquated and unethical and I can’t believe the British public haven’t already protested against this. They’re usually so good at complaining.

Grievance #3: Internet banking is useless. You withdraw cash and buy things on your debit card. You expect them to come out of your account nearly immediately, that being the whole point. You check your balance online and see that your balance is £200. You rejoice. Then, two days later, you check again and your balance is £-50. You have only spent £100 so you wonder how this could be. You print off a statement and realize that a purchase you made on your debit card TWO WEEKS AGO has just now come out of your account, leaving you without a pot to piss in, and three days before payday as well.

What, pray tell, is the point of online banking if it is still as outdated, slow and stupid as the people who work in the banks themselves? I thought the whole point of it was to avoid actually entering a banking establishment. Instead, I have found myself having to go into them more often than before I ever checked anything online because it is constantly wrong.

This makes me yearn for the days when you just handed over 80% of your earnings to the town bully and occassionally they threw you a loaf of bread when you were limping along the feces-filled gutter on your way back from your 32 hour shift at the chicken-plucking factory/brothel.

If I start hoarding money in my bedroom, leaving it to animals in my will, and muttering about the Damn Bank while my eye twitches, don’t be surprised.

• Britishisms , I Bitch Therefore I Am
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