NS April 26th, 2005

I have never known a thirstier people than the British. Most Brits I know have some kind of drinking vessel constantly attached to their dominant drinking hand and walk around with confused looks on their faces if that cup/glass/mug/bottle should be empty. I would not at all be surprised to see “Mugs on a Chain” worn around necks and tied to handbags, with no trace of irony. My friend *Susan* is a good example of this unquenchable desire for liquids — from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed, Susan has some kind of beverage on 24-hour standby. In the morning, before leaving the flat, it is juice, milk, water, coffee or all of the above. When she gets to work, she makes a coffee for herself (and probably 9 others, but we’ll come to that later) and fills up a large bottle of water. Her goal is to drink, refill, and drink again that large bottle of water, in addition to at least 3 more coffees and/or teas that she has during the course of the day. Then there’s all the Ribena and booze, the former of which is consumed in massive quantities on a daily basis and the latter of which is consumed also in massive quantities but on a thrice-weekly (average) basis. A pint of water is put on the bedside table every night, in case thirst should strike at an unseemly hour and induce a dry-mouthed panic.

When I go to Susan’s home the first thing I am offered is a drink. If I finish my drink, I am asked what I would like next. If I say that I am fine, I’m not thirsty and don’t really need another one, I get the ever-so-subtle raised eyebrow and a look that silently and subconsciously says “Hmmm, must be an American thing. Maybe they need internal dryness in order to efficiently operate the cruel and narcissistic world-power thing they’ve got going on.” Now, I know that Susan thinks no such thing and if she did would never admit it, but I know that I am considered an oddity when I don’t have a drink resting in front of me, in my hand, or at least in the vicinity of my lips. Maybe all of the rain Britain receives somehow sends bio-chemical messages to the thirst-inducing section of the human brain and makes them believe that a dry mouth, even if for a moment, would be tantamount to suicide by drought, one that makes the Sahara Desert look like a water park complete with wave pool and 90-foot slide. Hmmm, if only one could keep a Brit thirsty enough to find out…

Okay, another weird drinking habit of the British and my personal pet peeve — making tea and coffee for anyone within 50 yards of an electric kettle. When you work in a British office and decide to make yourself a cup of coffee, it never entails simply getting up, going to the kitchen, making a cup, and returning to your desk to carry on with your work. Oh no, that would be a huge mistake and cultural faux pas of the highest order, with a punishment that may include having your private parts suspended dangerously close to a pool of hungry piranhas who are renowned for their tenacity. At the very least, you’ll be whispered about in the pub, which you will not have been invited to.

No, the right and British thing to do is to ask anyone and everyone in your department/floor/building if they’d like a cuppa as well. Inevitably, at least 70% of those asked will say “That’d be lovely” and hold their cup/mug/vat out with a smile that gives no clue as to what they want and how they want it. When you ask if they’d like coffee or tea, a one word response is given. Then you must restrain yourself from saying “I’m not a freakin’ mind reader, do you want milk, sugar, sprinkles on top, OR WHAT??” You must smile politely and say “How do you take it” and try not to snigger as you imagine them in compromising positions with their partner (another word the British are fond of — it’d be too much to actually say girlfriend/boyfriend or, for Pete’s sake, lover). As you desperately try to balance everyone’s mugs and remember who wanted what and with how much sugar/milk/froth/foam/magic fairy dust, all you can think is “Wouldn’t this be a whole lot easier if everyone made their own freakin’ drink?” Perhaps a list of some kind posted in the kitchen? However, if there were such a list, I’m sure an entry would read as follows:

– Meg takes her coffee as such: 1 1/2 spoonfuls of Nescafe but not those big spoons that have stains on them, the small ones in the third drawer from the right, underneath the tea towels. Oh, and she would really prefer if you didn’t use any mugs with chips on them, they’re just so unsightly. But make sure it’s not Carol’s blue one, she loves that thing and hates if anyone else uses it, it was a gift from her Partner who went to Barbados last year (without her, I might add, the cheek). Pour gently boiling, not furiously boiling, water into the mug and allow to stand for 1.2 minutes before adding 7/10 of a teaspoon of brown sugar (use the stepladder to reach it, on top of refrigerator) and two semi-glugs, NOT glugs, of semi-semi-skimmed soya kosher milk with extra Vitamin D. Stir with a wooden stick and add the zest of one lemon to garnish. Knock three times on Meg’s desk if she is on the phone, so that she doesn’t spill the drink as she turns around. Place the beverage on the coaster by the PC and use the paper towel dispenser to clean up any spillage, including the bottom of the mug. We wouldn’t want stains now, would we? If Meg asks for tea, omit steps 1, 4 and 7 and replace with the following…

Honestly, if I would’ve known before moving here how important beverages and the complex rules regarding serving them are to the national psyche, I would’ve taken a course of some kind or at least read an etiquette book. In fact, there are so many other odd drinking habits, including Shandies (aka Ruining a Perfectly Good Beer), lemonade/lime tops (not quite as heinous but still a crime), vodka and Coke (bleh!), and concentrated fruit drinks called “squash,” that this will have to be taken up at a later date so as not to make this entry 9 pages long. Until then, bottoms up!

• Britishisms
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