NS April 26th, 2005

I promised myself that for every two Rants about Britain I would post something positive. So after thinking about it for awhile, I decided that one of my favorite things is the slang. Not only modern slang or insults, but old-fashioned slang, terms of endearment, and nicknames for everyday objects.

After complaining about the weather, nicknaming things seems to be the nation’s most popular hobby. People with names consisting of more than one syllable will undoubtedly be re-christened with a shorter, “easier” name. Just pick up any tabloid newspaper and see for yourself. Marianna becomes Maz, Kerry becomes Kez, Jessica is Jez, Toby is Tobes, Kevin is Kev, and Madonna, someone who has already built an identity on having only one name, is called Madge. Even royalty cannot escape — Prince William is Wills, Princess Diana was Di, Sarah Ferguson reduced to Fergie, and so on. As I thought about it more, I started to reel off names of friends in my head, searching for one whose name is more than one syllable and who does not also have a nickname. Out of 26 friends I listed, only one had a name or nickname with more than one syllable, and even then I had heard him referred to by just his first initial when people couldn’t be bothered to utter another sound. It took some getting used to, but now I find myself adopting this practice more and more often. I now have friends whom I call Al, Tan, Iv, Isi, Emms, Fi, Caz, Sa, Hevs, Jo, Ro, Abs and Kez. My own three-syllable name raised some eybrows in immigration when I landed on these shores and I was given an official list of possible nicknames to choose from. Now the only time I hear my full name is when a hapless two-syllable-named relative from the States phones. Even then, for just a moment, I think “Who?”

I also derive great pleasure from the Cockney rhyming slang that finds its way into nearly every conversation I have with a Londoner. Some of my favorites are ‘Hank Marvin’ (starvin’), ‘Chicken Oriental’ (mental), ‘Ruby Murray’ (curry), ‘Trouble and Strife’ (wife), ‘Dog and Bone’ (phone), and ‘Battle Cruiser’ (boozer). After a night in the pub, a man who was meant to be home 2 hours ago might say “Cor, I’m Hank Marvin. Do you think me ol’ Trouble would go Chicken Oriental if I rang her on the Dog to say I’m sat in the Cruiser and now going for a Ruby?” Love it. Nothing like a good code to confuse the foreigners and keep them guessing!

Britons are excellent with their insults and name-calling as well. A prat, mug, twat, arse, wanker, pillock, slag, slapper, geezer, git, plonker, ponce, poofter, sod, tosser, tart, yob, chav, or (my personal fav) minger, are all insults in some form or another and not names that you intentionally aim to be called, but at least there’s some variety and you never know what to expect. In the US we have about 5 names that we call people and after that it is all playground banter. “You big butthead” or “Loser” just don’t sound very exciting in comparison.

Bless your cottons, Britain!

• Britishisms
• Comments(0)