The Axis of Evil: Brown Sauces

NS February 23rd, 2005

Though there are many tasty dishes that I have come to know and love in England, there are three sauces that I revile and renounce with such a passion that they induce gagging and a wrinkling of the nose at the mere mention of their names and uses. These evil sauces masquerade as normal spreads and condiments but behind that facade lurks a brown-coloured concoction of no known use other than making Americans vomit and ask “Why? Why would you do that to your food??”

The offenders, listed in no particular order as I hate them all equally, are:

Marmite is dark brown-colored savory spread made from the yeast that is a by-product of the brewing industry. It has a very strong, slightly salty flavor. Enough said — yuck!! The Brits spread this stuff on toast and enjoy breathing on those who hate it with a triumphant look. Hey, way to go for knowing that your food stinks!
To learn more about this horrible alleged “food product,” visit Amazingly, there were 404,000 entries found for Marmite on Google. There are even FAN CLUBS and HATE CLUBS for this wicked substance. Marmite’s advertising slogan is “You love it or you hate it.” Even they know that it is repulsive to at least some of the population.

HP Sauce
This sauce is used mostly on breakfast foods and is pretty much poured over the entire meal (eggs, bacon, sausages, toast, tomatoes, mushrooms, baked beans, et al). From what I have gathered, it is meant to enhance the flavor of the bland food and has a tangy taste. Have the British ever heard of herbs and spices?? Or perhaps grilling or baking as opposed to pan-frying? Perhaps that would give their breakfast a bit more flavor….I guess we’ll never know (unless a mysterious explosion at the HP factory should render production impossible — something to think about).

Branston’s Pickle
A savory brown chutney most commonly spread on ham and cheese sandwiches. Absolutely disgusting sauce with big chunks of god-knows-what in it. Rank smell and even worse taste. I would rather eat fungus-ridden toenails dipped in sour milk chunks than have this anywhere near my sandwich. There actually was a fire at the Branston factory not long ago, causing panic and mayhem across the UK as the tastebud-impaired masses stormed the shops to stock up before supplies dwindled. If anyone asks, I was with a large group of people who can account for my whereabouts….mmmmwaahahahahaha!!

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